The Heirs of Delaware meet the Marauders
by ShackRobin
Summary: Adventures of the Marauders at Hogwarts...or in California, as the case may be. Features a Muggle Television Show, crazed fans, A Trial, and a Costume Party gone awry. SBOC,JPLE,RLOC
1. Kindergarten

**Chapter 1: Kindergarten**

Pearly Puff and her sister Luhrmalleen had been orphans since they were five years old. Well, actually, from when Pearly Puff was five and Luhrmalleen was four, but such things were mere technicalities. However, no one had done anything about their living situation because they were considered to be very capable toddlers, and they were allowed to continue residing in their mansion and attending preschool in a small town in Delaware. Since their parents' death, a year had passed, which was an excessively long time for a toddler. Pearly Puff was supposed to have attended kindergarten, but refused to go to school and leave her younger sister at home, so this would be the first day of school for both of them.

Pearly Puff Delaware walked into her first grade class with all the confidence of a first grade girl who had lived on her own for the past year. She seated herself next to a boy with untidy black hair and a rather serious grin on his face. Pearly Puff was rather incensed by the oddity of a serious grin, and was compelled to pinch the offending boy. The boy grimaced for a second, but quickly looked toward the teacher when she began to take role.

"Afbetoqui, Gerald."

The boy next to Pearly Puff raised his hand, and stated, "Present." The first grade teacher looked at him sharply, and asked him if he was any relation of the famous ventriloquist, Richard Afbetoqui. The boy with the untidy hair gave a flush of pride, and answered,

"He's my father."

Now it was Pearly Puff's turn to grimace – how could she have offended the ventriloquist's son? And what on earth _was_ a ventriloquist? She sighed audibly, but waited patiently for her name. The quick first grade teacher had gotten up to "Chang, Connor" and soon continued,

"Delaware …" and paused for a second. The teacher paused and continued,

"What name would _you_ like to go by, Miss Delaware?"

Pearly Puff opened her mouth to answer, but before she could reply, she heard a high pitched voice speaking for her, "Harold." The first grade teacher raised her eyebrows until they could reach no higher, and prompted once more,

"Now, what name would _you_ like to go by, Miss Delaware?"

Pearly Puff was faster this time, she started,

"I would like to go by my given name…" but was once again interrupted by a high pitched voice coming from her right side – "Harold", it repeated once again. Pearly Puff was shocked – who would be so unkind as to change her name? She gave a glance to her right side and knew – _Gerald Afbetoqui, the ventriloquist's son_.

Eleven years had passed since her first day of school – or perhaps to be more precise, eleven years and three months. It was nearly the winter holidays, and Pearly Puff – or Harold, as she had been known for the past eleven years, was worried about how much money they had left. True, they _were_ the so called "Heir of Delaware", but what were they heirs to? Luhrmalleen had just come up the stairs, or Lummy, as she had been known since _her_ first grade teacher had mispronounced her name five hundred times ten years ago.

"What's eating you, Harold?" she asked nonchalantly.

"We haven't got much money left, and I don't know what being an heir of Delaware means."

"Well, let's go open that trunk in the basement, with all the stuff in it."

Lummy didn't bother to wait for her sister, and pelted down the stairs on her own. She arrived at the trunk and threw it open. Inside, were two buttons, one of which said the following:

Identification Button: Luhrmalleen, Heir of Delaware.

Harold arrived, panting,

"It doesn't say much, does it?"

"We've got to find our fortune; we must be heirs to _something_."

Lummy absentmindedly turned her button over, and read the note on the back:

"To find out more about _your_ fortune, call our toll free number: 1-800-MY-4-TUNE"

Harold decided that this was as good an idea as any, and dialed the number on the button. Minutes later, an annoyed voice queried,

"Hullo?"

Harold cleared her throat, and asked,

"I'd like to know more about being an Heir of Delaware."

"Wrong number, ma'am."

"No it can't be – it was on the button."

"Sorry, just kidding, it's only that no one ever calls-"

"Well, I'd like to know more about being an Heir of Delaware."

"Delaware, eh? Lemme check the file."

Harold waits impatiently by the phone while gesturing excitedly to Lummy. The lady on the other end, finally returned,

"Well, it says here that you need to drill a hole in your basement – and that'll bring you here, and …the rest of the instructions are for me. G'day."

The woman had hung up.

Harold was incensed by her lack of information, and grumbled incoherently for a moment. Lummy looked at her expectantly.

"I'm going to call Gerald."

Gerald Afbetoqui arrived at the Delaware mansion, as untidy haired as the day that he had met Harold. He smirked at the thought of her real name. Gerald glanced at his watch and nodded – it was just the right day. Harold opened the door and engulfed Gerald in a bear hug –

"…and the lady was no real help at all, but I thought you would be good at drilling holes in our basement."

Harold was waiting expectantly for Gerald. Gerald Afbetoqui, the ventriloquist's son, did a little tap dance over the floor of the basement and heard a hollow sound in one corner. He nodded, and took the drill from a very confused Lummy, and drilled a very precise six inched into the floor. This enabled him to find the end of a very thin string from the floor, and took a strange boot from the floor. Harold looked at him, clearly surprised.

"Where did that come from?"

"This, my dear Harold, is a Portkey that will enable you to travel to Hogsmeade."

Harold was very excited, considering that she did not understand head or tail of Gerald's previous statement. Instead, both she and Lummy stared at him blankly. Gerald looked at both of them, exasperated.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

On the count of three, the three of them touched the old boot – Lummy gave a little shriek as she felt a pull around her navel – and then the three of them fell in a strange location. Only one of them recognized their new locale for what it was – the inside of the Shrieking Shack at Hogsmeade.

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	2. The Shrieking Shack

**Chapter Two: Inside the Shrieking Shack**

Inside, they were greeted by three people who waved at Gerald eagerly, one of whom gave some sort of recognition to Luhrmalleen and Pearly Puff. All of the three were attired in what could only be described as black robes, and the eldest one (Pearly Puff expected her to be called a witch) was wearing a rather shabby pointed hat. She spoke first, looking mostly at Gerald.

"I expect that you are wondering why you are here…" she started, but was interrupted shortly afterward by Pearly Puff –

"I am actually wondering what being the Heir of Delaware…_entails_." The elderly witch looked mildly interested for a moment, then continued in her same tone –

"My name is Professor Sprout, and I shall explain what it means to be the Heir of Delaware. But first, I must explain the situation at hand. There are dark forces at work in our magical world – and we, as the forces of good, do not have many weapons on our side…" and was once again interrupted, this time by Luhrmalleen –

"What on earth _are you_? I mean, we were just uprooted from our home – we're inside a tattered up building – and I don't understand what's going on!"

Sirius and Remus looked at one another as if they had no reason to be there either. Once again, Professor Sprout continued nonchalantly –

"There has always been a struggle between good and evil – but useful creatures are few. The reason is why Delaware is important, is because, the last known quarry of ancient Pegasus eggs are held there."

She paused here, perhaps for emphasis, but received none as everyone just stared at her blankly. Lummy spoke up once more –

"There's no such thing as Pegasus-es. I think the lot of you are completely daft."

Gerald spoke for the first time during the meeting,

"What does this have to with Harold and Lummy?"

Professor Sprout looked somewhat disenchanted for a moment upon hearing their nicknames, and repeated, soundlessly "_Harold and Lummy?_" before continuing –

"Pearly Puff and Luhrmalleen Delaware are the last in a long line of powerful witches and wizards who have been stewards of the Delaware quarry. It is required that they be informed of their duties when the time arises."

Gerald Afbetoqui, the ventriloquist's son, asked again –

"And then, why are _you_ here?" the light voice of the boy emphasizing the word "you" in reference to Professor Sprout. Astonishingly enough, the elderly witch smiled, replying,

"Because I am their aunt."

It was Pearly Puff's turn to speak, and she turned to Professor Sprout –

"Why then, have we been forced to live as orphans for thirteen years? Why did our beloved aunt never contact us? Are we witches then?" She waited impatiently, expecting a reply from Professor Sprout. Instead, it was Gerald who answered. He smirked for a moment before he began – clearly thinking of Pearly Puff's dismay –

"The stewards, or _heirs_, as they have been titled, of Delaware, have been the target of a great many evildoers. That was how your father died. After his demise, it was decided that it was too unsafe for you to function as full-time stewards. Nor was it safe for you to attend an ordinary wizard school in America, for then spies could figure out who you were. Furthermore, you were assigned a bodyguard – "

"Who?" asked Luhrmalleen, interrupting the story.

"Me."

Harold widened her eyes in disbelief – how could it be Gerald? But she remembered certain incidents, that just didn't make sense otherwise –

"_Harold, you can't stay here right now," whispered Gerald, his hazel eyes shining with worry. Seconds later, a crack of lightening hit the spot where she was standing._

"_I would like to go by my given name…Harold_." _She turned to her right and saw him smirking – _Gerald Afbetoqui, the ventriloquist's son.

_And then, when she was almost fourteen, Gerald had run into the house when Luhrmalleen was apparently making pancakes, and had dragged her younger sister out – second before the kitchen had gone up in flames_.

Harold sighed, that was where most of the money they had been left in the trust had gone – to pay for all these surprise damages that kept happening. She stopped looking dazed, and whispered –

"You changed our names to protect us!" Gerald gave a half smirk at this and explained,

"Well, everyone who knew _anything_ about the heirs of Delaware knew that they were two sisters. But if one of you was called _Harold_ – well, then they assumed that you were a sister and brother. It was much safer."

Lummy looked at him shrewdly, and added,

"You aren't really a ventriloquist's son, are you?"

"Of course not."

"What's your real name?"

"Gerald Potter – like the Harry Potter books." Both Luhrmalleen and Pearly Puff looked at him, utterly confused, as did Sirius, Remus, and Professor Sprout. Gerald hit his head and cursed,

"Damn! They haven't been written yet. It's 1977." Lummy and Harold continued to look oddly at him, and he added,

"Well, I'm a seer. I'm James Potter's cousin, Half Potter and Half Trelawny. Not that the seer bit does much."

Sirius finally looked interested in what was going on, and asked inquisitively,

"How come James never said anything about you?" Gerald gave another half-smirk, and answered –

"Well, I'm not supposed to do what I'm doing, am I? Pretending to be a Muggle for twelve years? The only magic I know is from when I was _five _years old."

Professor Sprout decided that this tangent had continued long enough, and picked up again,

"But the last, and most important order of business is that Harold and Lummy will be joining Hogwarts this year."

For a moment, it seemed that all the air had left the room. Sirius was a the first to recover –

"As first years? Imagine two seventeen year olds along with forty pre-teens! That's pretty funny Prof, the most interesting thing you've said during this long, incredibly boring meeting, which I don't even know why we're here for."

It was Professor Sprout to give a fake smile, replying sharply to Sirius' comments,

"No, not as first years, as NEWT level seventh years."

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	3. Hogwarts

**Chapter Three: Hogwarts**

Both Sirius and Remus left the inside of the Shrieking Shack first. Professor Sprout led them kindly through the exit…but Gerald, just disappeared. Harold supposed that it was just her eyes, for how could he just disappear? Lummy was chatting amicably with Professor Sprout as if nothing had happened, but soon they were all in the middle of the largest hall Harold had ever seen. The ceiling was enchanted to look like the sky, and there were four long tables along the edges. Kind-faced Professor Sprout handed over to a witch with a hat that pointed straight up at that enchanted ceiling, and a very stern face. Lummy gripped Harold's hand for support, for even silly, pranking Lummy was afraid for a moment.

The stern witch spoke abruptly,

"You will be sorted now. Which of you wishes to go first?" Harold raised her hand, and went to go sit on a tiny, wobbly stool. The stern witch placed a ragged hat on her head.

"_You don't know anything do you? Well, there are four houses, and they claim to represent different things. You are hungry? That's not particularly important during sorting, you know? You hate clams? Once again, this is irrelevant. Perhaps Ravenclaw – you were quite brilliant – but in such a very odd way. Not Hufflepuff – I think you would frighten everyone there. Never Slytherin, the taint of muggles is too strong. Gryffindor I think…I hope Godric hated Clams…_GRYFFINDOR!"

There was some scattered applause for this, but no one had been expecting sorting to take place in December. Lummy went up to the stool, somewhat heartened after her sister had come out alive. She sat confidently on the tiny stool, and threw the ugly hat on her head.

"_Crazier than your sister, I think. Oh – and a mind like…the Marauders. But you have no idea what they are. You like bean casserole? Is all you girls think about food? Oh ANYTHING BUT THAT…BE IN _GRYFFINDOR _with your sister, LET ME GO…_" and the Sorting hat flew off Lummy's head. Instead of applause at this announcement, there was confusion and gasps from the audience. Lummy and Harold went to go sit next to the only two people they had met at Hogwarts, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Sirius Black, Mischief Maker extraordinaire, was thoroughly confused. The two fake Muggle girls were Gryffindors now, and they looked like they were walking towards him. They both had shoulder length blonde hair, pretty noses…and one had a particularly striking set of green eyes. Like Lily, thought Sirius, knowing James would kill him for even thinking about his girlfriend. He kicked Remus under the table, who swore loudly, allowing him to shout,

"Prefect Moony's got a problem!" This wasn't particularly mature, but Sirius needed _something_ to do. Remus had thought of a particularly brilliant prank, but apparently Snivellus was in the hospital wing, so there wasn't really anyone who it could be tested on, perhaps…

"Hi, I'm Pearly Puff Delaware, but most folks call me Harold, I don't b'lieve we've properly met yet," spoke the one with hazel eyes, looking at Remus and interrupting Sirius' thoughts. Remus seemed just as lost a Sirius, but recovered quickly, and replied,

"Well, I'm Remus Lupin, and this is Sirius Black, and we are pleased to welcome you to Hogwarts."

"Why the hell is your name Pearly Puff? Is that even a name?" asked Sirius, rather rudely. The girl stared at him for a moment, and then answered (with a smile, which frightened Sirius a bit)

"I think my mother was a bit mad when I was born, that's all." Sirius looked over at her sister, who was eating peacefully next to him. Perhaps peacefully was not the word, since she appeared to be dissolving food in her mouth, much in the way he enjoyed. Disapparating was more likely the more apt terminology, Sirius thought. Just then, the object of his musings looked up at him and winked strangely.

But breakfast was over, so there was really nothing to muse on about. Lummy glanced at her schedule, she had Transfiguration next. What _was_ Transfiguration? And didn't she require some sort of wand to do it? She looked at her sister worriedly, but Harold was asking Remus for directions. In the end, both she and Harold decided to follow the Marauders (as Lummy found they were called), to their next class.

The stern witch was there, and seemed slightly surprised by the presence of Harold and Lummy. They were astonishingly unprepared, considering that neither of them had a wand. The stern witch introduced herself as Professor McGonagall, a little unnecessarily for everyone except for Harold and Lummy. She looked oddly at them for a moment, then turned to the entire class in her strict voice,

"Today we shall be doing partial human transfiguration. I expect that most of you will be able to do this by now without _too_ much difficulty. Partners please."

The class quickly collected themselves into random groups, Lummy found herself opposite a pleasant faced, redheaded witch with lovely green eyes. She looked around for her sister, and found that Harold was standing with a wizard who resembled Gerald Afbetoqui, but much less serious. Speaking of Sirius, Lummy (hating the pun in her head), the dark haired boy was partnered with Remus, neither of them caring that Peter had not been bright enough to be in Newt level Transfiguration.

Remus twirled his wand haughtily. It was something he had picked up from seven years of association with one Sirius Black. The werewolf glanced up at the Professor…it was Transfiguration. Every Seventh year knew exactly what that meant – another mock competition between Head Boy James Potter and his best friend Sirius Black, vying for the title of "Best in Transfiguration". Every student in the school knew that Sirius Black could easily have been Head Boy if it weren't for the other title he held – _Most Detentions Ever Received by a Hogwarts Student. _

"Begin your transfigurations! Remember, arms and legs first!" There was a scrambling of arms and wands as the students hurried to follow McGonagall's instructions. James picked up his wand with a flourish. He would outdo Sirius today. His partner was one of the new girls, and wouldn't put up any struggle. _Flash_! Her arms had been altered into octopus legs. There was another _flash_, and her legs collapsed underneath her as they became the claws of a crab.

"Very good Potter! Five points to Gryffindor!" said McGonagall, approvingly. James flushed, and searched for his girlfriend, Lily Evans. Lily was partnered with the girl who looked like the twin of his own partner…well, without the octopus legs and crab claws. Lily gave a little demure flick of _her_ wand, and Lummy's hands became fish fins. A second _flash_ marked the transformation of Lummy's long legs into those of a tiger, with brilliant black and orange stripes. Lummy looked at them, and decided, that perhaps it was an improvement.

Sirius knew James would lose. He glanced at James' handiwork – it was just too simple. He glared at Remus with a stare that signified "_I'm going to own James_". He gave a complicated little twist of his wand, and Remus' arms became two shimmering white wings. A second twirl, and Remus' legs were those of a dark black bison. James looked on angrily, and glared at a bewildered Harold, and gave his wand another flick, and Harold's nose elongated to an elephant's trunk.

"Come now, I can't breathe properly!"

"Well, at least you can talk."

"What is your name, anyway? You look like a friend of mi …"

"James Potter, if you please."

"_I'm _Harold."

"But you're a girl."

"You're a boy, you don't see me complaining."

"But – I've got a boy's name."

"I met a girl named James once."

"Really?"

"No, but if I did, she wouldn't be as dashed dumb as you."

"That's it, I'm going to transfigure your…"

Professor McGonagall decided to interject here –

"Her _what_, Mr. Potter?"

"Oh, hello Professor."

"Well, I am glad that you did not finish that sentence Mr. Potter, because you will be receiving five additional points for your superb transfiguration."

James gave a little smirk in Sirius' direction. Ten points, and Sirius hadn't received one. However, it seemed as though Professor McGonagall had just noticed Remus' fluttering state, because she remarked –

"Wings, Mr. Black?"

"Er – yes, Professor"

"_Very_ impressive, Sirius."

Sirius nearly blushed – Professor McGonagall had actually used his first name –

"Thanks, Professor. I'll do it again if you go on a da…"

"That'll be…_eleven_ points to Gryffindor for your handiwork."

Sirius was deprived of his opportunity to gloat at James, because just then, the bell rang. McGonagall gave an all-encompassing wand wave, and the transfigured members of the class returned to their ordinary states.

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	4. Food Coloring

**Chapter Four: Food Coloring**

Lummy panted – she had just caught up with Harold, who had been following very closely behind the Marauders since they had left Transfiguration. She frowned; they were in some very dark part of the castle. _Potions_, her schedule said.

A fat man toddled into the dungeon. He introduced himself as Professor Slughorn for Harold and Lummy's benefit.

"Today, we shall be making a potion both difficult and dangerous. A simple calming draught it is named. However – if a particular ingredient is added incorrectly, it could yield the _Draught of the Living Death_. And a second incorrect ingredient yields…well, Death itself. At the end of today's lesson, you shall drink your partner's potions – so beware!"

Potions, as every Seventh year knew, was the opportunity for Severus Snape to vie with Lily Evans. Severus was partnered with Sirius Black's insufferable cousin Narcissa, but he didn't seem to care who his partner was. Today, Severus Snape would outdo that Mudblood Evans. His rival was partners with her boyfriend, James Potter. Lily, however, was just as unconcerned with James as Snape was with Narcissa.

"Come on, one kiss before the cauldron…"

"Don't be a dolt, James."

And as good as James and Sirius were at Transfiguration, they were spectacularly faulty at Potions. Sirius was partnered with Remus, who was looking a bit green already: Sirius and James were transfiguring each other's cauldrons instead of mixing their potions. James was a bit miffed by Sirius' lead in McGonagall's class, and made Sirius' cauldron into a miniature lion – and it stood up and gave a roar, startling the class.

"Lost your touch, Prongs?"

Sirius flicked his own wand nonchalantly, and James' half-made calming draught climbed out of the cauldron and became a pack of hyenas that chased the lion.

But it was Harold and Lummy who were most worried. Both of them had only empty cauldrons in front of them, and knew neither head nor tail of the ingredients written on the board.

"Well, Harold, we've got to make something."

Harold shrugged, and took a water bottle out of her bag and poured it into her own cauldron. Lummy did the same then cocked her head and said –

"But that's boring! _I've_ got a pack of flavored food coloring."

Harold refused to use it, but Lummy just added drops to her _water_ to match the changing colors of Lily's and Snape's potions.

"Time's up!" declared Professor Slughorn. The students looked amongst themselves anxiously, except for Harold and Lummy, who stared up at the ceiling, looking at the stones.

James tested Lily's potion first. It was perfect.

Lily sipped James' potion gingerly. Her red hair grew into a cloud of ringlets that reached her knees. Professor Slughorn took note.

Remus was green already. But when he drank a portion of Sirius' concoction (that had been transfigured into a lion, a bear, a pair of dancing toothpicks during class), he turned an even brighter shade of green, screamed "BATHROOM", and dashed out of the dungeon.

Sirius looked slightly miffed for a moment, but took a sip of Remus' potion. Nothing happened for a second, but soon, his expression changed to one of maniacal amusement, and he chased after Remus yelling "Bathroom Boy," and giggling madly in turns.

Professor Slughorn looked mildly annoyed that two students had left class without permission.

Narcissa took a draft of Snape's potion. It too was perfect.

Snape took a sip of Narcissa's potion, then spat it out. He looked straight at Narcissa, shrieked, "This is pure _filth_," and strode out of the dungeons, his robes billowing behind him.

Professor Slughorn almost moved to stop him.

Soon, everyone was waiting for the last pair – Harold and Lummy.

Lummy was a spectacular actress. She looked around, wide eyed. Then she took a sip of Harold's _water_. Nothing happened.

"Miss …er – Lummy, was that calming draught in that cauldron?"

"Actually, it was Evian."

"Who? Oh, nevermind."

Lummy's potion was a different story. It was precisely the perfect color of Severus' and Lily's…only, there was absolutely no steam issuing from it. The class looked about anxiously – it couldn't be just colored water…could it?

Harold took a deep breath, and drank a sip of Lummy's colored water. Nothing happened. But, Harold thought, this was _delicious_. Green apple with a hint of watermelon. Harold took another sip. Still more enchanting. And so, Harold did what no other Potions student at Hogwarts had done. She _chugged_ her partner's potion, emptying the cauldron. Everyone expected her to drop dead.

Professor Slughorn stared at her for a moment.

"Are you quite alright, my dear?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well…you…"

"Chugged it?"

"Well…yes…"

"It was delicious."

The bell rang, and Harold strode out of the dungeons, her robes merely dragging behind her.

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Do review, Loves. And give a conjecture as to who ends up with whom.


	5. Lunch

**Chapter Five: Lunch**

Five seconds into Lunch, Professor McGonagall gathered Harold and Lummy and took them to Diagon Alley. As soon as they had left, the rest of the Hogwarts student body began to gossip about them loudly and suggestively.

Sirius was once again sitting next to James, across from Remus, and diagonally from Peter. Lily was sitting next to James, but Lunch was Marauder Gossip Time MGT and James was not paying a whit of attention to his girlfriend. Marauder Code had decreed that Lunch be spelled and spoken with a capital L. Sirius was in charge of commencing MGT.

"I think they're pretty."

Remus nodded his affirmative, but James protested –

"Lily is prettier." Sirius groaned at this, but immediately became more concerned with the matters at hand – he looked at Remus suggestively, then said,

"They should be put to Marauder's test."

Remus nodded gravely, but James queried –

"What's Marauder's test?"

"Well, if a Marauder wants to be close to a girl – and not just as a temporary thing – she needs to go through the Marauder's test; I mean…we did it to Li…"

But Sirius had said too much. He immediately began eating his lunch ravenously.

"What did you do to Lily!"

Remus tried to be soothing – but James was looking daggers at Sirius. Sirius stood up, made an X symbol with his hands, drew his finger across his neck like a dagger, and then pelted up to the boys' dormitory. Remus stood up, bowed, and then followed Sirius.

Unfortunately, this left James with an unprepared Peter. James smiled sweetly at Peter, like a spider trapping a fly.

"Peter, I want to know about the Marauder's Test."

Peter looked eager at James' question – James so _rarely_ talked to him as if he were important, and began pompously,

"Well, it's not really much, just a series of pranks we play to determine the worthiness of someone…"

"Someone like my girlfriend?"

"Wha…yes…"

"Don't worry Peter, I already know most of it – just specifics, you know."

Peter visibly relaxed, of course James knew –

"Well, funny stuff, you know. There was the time when we jinxed all her make-up and brushes so her hair and face would turn green – you know, to match her eyes, and once we hexed her books so that when she opened them they'd throw things at her. Oh, and then there was the time when…"

James stood up and announced,

"SIRIUS BLACK, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" The Great Hall looked mildly interested for a moment, but somebody threatened to kill Sirius Black _everyday_, so it was really nothing special. James Potter ran up the stairs to the boy's dormitory.

At Diagon Alley, Harold and Lummy had just finished purchasing the necessary spell books for seven years of study. Professor McGonagall had just explained that they would be completing five additional _accelerated _hours of study each day so that they could catch up to where their Newt level classmates were in less than a month. This seemed reasonable to Harold and Lummy as they trounced into Ollivander's to purchase their wands.

Mr. Ollivander looked darkly at Harold. She began to try out wand after wand, but Mr. Ollivander shook his head impatiently after each try. Finally, he announced, "I'll be back" and disappeared into a trapdoor in the floor. He brought out a dusty cardboard box a moment later. He looked somewhat disgusted, but said,

"We made this wand by mistake. Lingenberry trees aren't supposed to be made into wands, but my half uncle's second cousin twice removed was a bit dumb. I suppose it might do for you – it's got the hair of a jackrabbit inside."

Professor McGonagall frowned upon hearing this tale, but as soon as Harold tried it, a gold thread erupted from the stick and sparks flew spectacularly. Ollivander nodded, and packaged the wand for purchase.

It was now Lummy's turn. She too tried nearly every wand in the store, but Ollivander didn't even seem to have any brainwaves to help her. He went to the back of the store and brought out something that looked like a spindly and short baseball bat. Sure enough, it was made from Aluminum.

"Well, wands were found to be generally made from wood – but this one _has_ got the hair of a unicorn inside."

Harold noticed that Mr. Ollivander sounded oddly defeated. But Lummy tried out the wand…and surprisingly enough, sparks flew from the end. Just as Mr. Ollivander moved to pack the aluminum wand, Lummy gave an inadvertent wave, and a wave of water engulfed the store. Thousands of wands flew off the shelves. Even more were pushed off the shelves in a miniature hurricane.

"OUT OF MY STORE!" cried Mr. Ollivander, and Professor McGonagall grabbed hold of Lummy and Harold and left Diagon Alley.

They had hurried into the Floo just seconds after escaping the flash flood that started at Ollivander's. The three of them tumbled out of Dumbledore's fireplace in sooty disarray, their packages tumbling around them. Professor McGonagall was the first to recover – she stood up, tidied her hair, and waited a moment for Harold and Lummy to find themselves.

"It is time then, that we move you both into the Seventh year girls' dormitory."

They walked up to the Gryffindor tower, and arrived at the topmost floor, where five beds were already crowding the quarters. Professor McGonagall sighed audibly –

"I suppose we can fit you into this corner, perhaps bump beds would do it?"

Harold figured that the esteemed Professor meant _bunk_ beds, but why…

It was Lummy who spoke up,

"Can't we just expand it using magic?"

It was evident that Professor McGonagall had forgotten this minor detail, because she gave a wave of her wand, and the dormitory became larger, and two additional canopied beds appeared. A second flick brought their new trunks to sit beside their beds, freshly pressed robes stacked upon their trunks. (Who presses them, Harold wondered).

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Don't we all _love_ House elves? Now, review, por favor.


	6. Girl's Dormitory

**Chapter Six: Girl's Dormitory**

Sirius and Remus were sitting in the common room discussing the finer points of the Marauder's test now that they had finally escaped from James. Suddenly, all of the girls came dashing down the dormitory stairs, from first year to seventh year. Lily Evans is one of the last to appear, and she comes down, blackened with ash, and sits next to Sirius and Remus.

"What _is_ going on?" Lily catches her breath, then replies –

"Fire – magical fire, oh I suppose Lummy and Harold are _still_ up there."

Sirius and Remus looked at each other worriedly, and Sirius asked almost timidly,

"But, they can't do magic can they?"

Sirius and Remus begin to move expeditiously toward the stairs – Marauder's test or not they were not about to leave them up there! But not five minutes after Lily had sat down upon the Common Room couch, Harold and Lummy appeared, soot faced, at the foot of the girls' dormitory stairs. Harold was holding about thirty balloons in her hand. It was surprising that she was not floating in the air.

Everyone was rather shocked.

Lily got up first, and asked, "Did you put the fire out?" Both Harold and Lummy nodded and smiled beatifically. Remus got up, and said what they were all dying to say,

"I think we would enjoy a full story."

Lummy basked in the attention of the entire Gryffindor population for a moment, then began (after perching herself atop one of the high-backed chairs next to the fireplace) the tale,

"Well, as you all know, we made a trip to Diagon Alley this afternoon. Both Harold and I purchased wands, and we were most eager to try them out. I was merely perusing through the standard book of spells when I came upon it – _Incendio_."

Sirius looked skeptical, and said, "But that's not the first spell a witch or wizard learns – perhaps _Wingardium_…"

Lummy shook her head, and continued, "Well I didn't try it, but Harold's always been better at stuff than me, so she gave a wave of her wand and nothing happened. And then, _my wand_ caught on fire. My wand, is made of Aluminum."

Sirius gaped (as did the remainder of the Gryffindor population, but not quite so elegantly), "A _metal_ wand?"

"Yes, and it's not really supposed to catch fire. Anyhow, I did what seemed right at the time, and threw it on Lily's bed. Naturally, Lily's bed caught fire, and by the time Lily came in, the dormitory was blazing."

She said this all very calmly, as if she was describing a particularly boring birthday party.

"Lily, is of course, the Head Girl. But she could not put the fire out. So I made a well, and used water to put the fire out."

It was Lily's turn to gape –

"But I used _Aguamenti_!" However, the muggleborn population in the Gryffindor house was gaping for an entirely different reason. How could she have drilled a well when the Gryffindor tower was on the _seventh story_? In five minutes? Harold must have noticed their confused looks, because she began to explain,

"It's a bit of a half magic solution – but we used magic to make the well, and the pulley system and what not, but the water and the well were pure Muggle."

Finally, Sirius asked them half-heartedly,

"What are the balloons for?"

"Balloons? Oh yes, to say sorry for setting the dorm on fire. We are deeply remorseful."

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A bit short, yes. They get longer with time, much as wine improves with age…. Now then, do review.


	7. Pranks that Fail

**Chapter Seven: Pranks that Fail**

The next morning, Sirius and Remus awoke, well-rested and ready for a day of Pranking. Yes, this prank would be one to end all pranks. Unfortunately, the first installment of the Marauder's Test was decidedly lackluster, especially since Sirius and Remus were feeling rather lazy.

"I say mate, what about the Spaghetti Caper," suggested Sirius in a casual manner.

"Ah, the classics," sighed Remus.

Harold and Lummy were forced to wake up at dawn to get ready for their six hours of lessons on Saturday morning – they were ready to go through the majority of first year today. They had eaten breakfast in the Hogwarts' kitchens, and had disappeared off to charms with Professor Flitwick.

The Marauders had also gotten up at an early hour. Remus because he was an exemplary student who felt that he needed to get ahead on his homework, Sirius and James because they had five hours of Quidditch practice, and Peter because he did everything the others did. James, as Quidditch Captain, was a rather overzealous trainer, and required at least three hours of practice _everyday_, much to everyone's dismay. Even Sirius, his best friend, and a superb beater, had no choice about attending. Therefore, it fell to Remus to set up the Spaghetti Caper.

The Spaghetti Caper was one of the Marauders' favorite pranks. They had first implemented it during their second year on one Severus Snape. Since then, they were determined to play it on at least one unlucky student each year. However, due to the popularity of the Marauders, those who were on the receiving end of one of these _classic _pranks were often thought to be "chosen", rather than "pranked". It was a very simple joke – as soon as the selected student got up from their seat, their plates would spin around them continuously until they were wrapped in Spaghetti. The trick to this particular prank was that the Marauders would have to know beforehand where their victim would be sitting during the meal, something that required months of preparation.

Remus knew that Harold and Lummy's only friends were Sirius and himself. Therefore, they would not sit anywhere else. Remus, in true Marauder tradition, always added a new twist to these classic pranks. The two chairs that Harold and Lummy would be sitting in had their legs replaced with flimsy cork legs, as did the two chairs next to them. This would mark out the prank. During the next twelve minutes, Remus set up the requisite triggering mechanisms and wards to ensure that the prank would go smoothly.

Sirius hated James. It had been raining for the past hour. Each time Sirius turned his broomstick around to hit a bludger out of the way, the rain would whip his face. The seeker, Lucy Phelps, couldn't even see the Snitch. They would probably lose it during practice, Sirius thought bitterly. If only he were with Remus, setting up the Spaghetti Caper. It was one of the first pranks Sirius had ever designed. He glanced at his watch and noticed that there were still two more hours of practice remaining.

Lummy's head was swimming with facts. She had succeeded in turning her matchstick into a needle, but she had also managed to set Devil's Snare on fire during her second Herbology lesson. Professor Sprout had been _so_ angry.

"C'mon, I am absolutely famished," indicated Harold as they set off from their last lesson of the day, History of Magic.

"So am I," breathed Lummy, unable to say anything else.

They noticed Sirius and Remus sitting across from each other again, babbling about something or another. Once again, they sat themselves next to the Marauders, and dove into their lunches. Sirius looked up at Remus, quirked an eyebrow, and murmured,

"Hook, line, and sinker."

In the middle of the meal, Lummy muttered that she had to make a trip to the bathroom. Sirius and Remus looked at each other in panic – the prank wouldn't work unless both Harold and Lummy got up at the same time. Sirius started –

"Why don't you take Harold with you?"

"Why would I do that?"  
"You might get lost."

"So would she."

"But together – that's a different story."

"Why is that?"

"You know…magical strength in pairs – your memories will complement each other."

Lummy looked at Harold skeptically, but Harold agreed, and they both stood up at the same time. On cue, their plates began spinning around them, oozing spaghetti and sauce, and wrapping both of them in it. The Great Hall had turned around to watch, the Spaghetti Caper was a crowd favorite.

Lummy began to walk away nonchalantly, but the twist to the Caper was then implemented – the cork legs on their chairs spun away from the table so that the chairs fell to the ground with a clatter, and the legs spun around them. Unfortunately, the chairs _next_ to theirs, where Sirius and Remus were sitting, also had cork legs. Remus and Sirius fell to the ground as well, much to their dismay.

Harold looked at Lummy, and shrugs. Lummy stares straight at Sirius, and remarked,

"I would have picked a different sauce."

Sirius very nearly fell out of his own chair.

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A review a day keeps the story away…

Which may or _may not_ be a good thing.


	8. The Beater

**Chapter Eight: The Beater**

After they had carefully removed the remnants of the marinara sauce from their hair, Lummy and Harold sat down to have a very serious discussion on their charred sheets. The smoke, however, did wonders for the peeling wallpaper. Something of an art deco feel.

"You know, I think this is a very important part of being at Hogwarts."

"What, this whole pranking business?"

"Yes – didn't you see that the whole school was interested?"

"What do you suggest we do about it?"

Lummy thought for a moment, then suggested –

"Prank _them_ of course."

"We don't know enough magic."

"It doesn't have to be mean…just funny."

There were a number of options available, from simply drenching the Marauders, to curling their hair, but our wards of Delaware were creative. Harold and Lummy soon discovered that Sirius, Gryffindor beater extraordinaire, did not own his own Beater's bat. He used the one that the school provided. Apparently, it was a point of pride with him that he did not require a superior bat to play well. They charmed the school bat (that was just lying around in the Quidditch changing room) so that when he touched it…things would happen!

The next morning, Harold and Lummy run off to their lessons, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team meets once again for their Sunday practice. James, looking splendid in his scarlet robes, begins –

"This year, we shall prevail. We shall defeat all others who dare stand in our way. We shall never stand down, never …" when Sirius seizes his Beater's bat and moves toward James as if to knock him out. However, before he can do anything, the rest of the team lets out a collective gasp.

"Oh come now, I'm not doing anything wrong – its just that our dear Captain here has a tendency to go a bit, off, shall we say?"

When the team continues to stare at him, including James, Sirius just goes ahead at hits James with his bat in annoyance. Then, right before his eyes, James begins to turn colors – first the shoulder where Sirius hit him, then spreads to the rest of his body. Sirius stares at James for a moment –

"James, you're…bloody _purple_."

It was true, every eyelash, tooth, and pupil were the same ghastly shade of violet. But James almost laughed and replied –

"Sirius, hate to break this to you mate…but you're GREEN".

The two of them run screaming to the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey is first surprised to see a Green Boy and a Purple Boy, but since they are Black and Potter, she is not too upset.

"Boys, just lie down, I can fix this in a jiffy."

"What _is_ it?"

"Just a minor color change spell."

As soon as they are out of the Hospital Wing (and James has called off Quidditch Practice), Sirius calls a Marauder's discussion.

"We, sirs, have been pranked."

"But by whom – any fourth year can do a color change spell."

"Ah, but sirs, no fourth year would dare to prank us."

"Then who is it?"

"Who has just learned fourth year charms spells, but is relatively new to the school? I think that you know the answer."

Remus catches on to Sirius' revelation the fastest –

"Harold and Lummy!"

James takes the stand in the discussion –

"Then we shall now implement Marauder's Revenge, in addition to the Marauder's test. Who takes precedence of planning?"

"I, sir," said Remus, eagerly.

"Who shall take precedence of spellwork?"

"That would be me," marked Sirius.

"And me," added James hastily. Peter just nodded in the background.

"Then back to Quidditch practice!" cries James. Sirius looks incensed –

"I thought you called it off…"

"And get less than three hours a day, never!"

Oh, if only he were _still_ Captain.

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Now then, to the reviews page! Ahoy!


	9. The Full Body Bind

**Chapter Nine: The Full Body Bind**

Luhrmalleen, in her spare moments after five hours of extra lessons each day, as well as at least three hours of extra homework in addition to the ordinary homework she had to complete, was able to discover the library. Although many of the books had interesting names, some of them were not interesting at all. She finally settled down on her bed with _Hexing Your Friends for Fun_, and was reading when Harold came by.

Harold scowled at Lummy in a very Hermione-Granger-esque way, especially considering Hermione had not even been born, and asked pointedly –

"Why are you reading that horrid thing for?"

Lummy was startled out of her book, and muttered _Petrificus Totalus_ suddenly, and Harold fell over in shock. Actually, she fell over as a result of the full body bind, but she _was_ shocked.

Absolutely stunned, Lummy ran down the girls' dormitory stairs, finds Lily, and asks in what she hopes is an offhand manner –

"Well, Lily, I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Do you know the counter jinx to the full body bind, you know, for uh, research purposes. Because I was doing, uh, research."

Lily looked at her sharply, and replied,

"I'm sorry; I don't really know it offhand."

"But I thought you were _Head Girl_! I didn't realize you were an idiot!"

Lily flinched when she said this, but continued,

"I am, but that doesn't mean I know everything. Why don't you ask your new friends about it? I'm sure they would know."

Lummy looks rather confused, she wasn't aware that she _had_ any friends at Hogwarts –

"Whom are you referring to?"

Now there was a superstition at Hogwarts that if you mentioned one of the Marauders' names individually, they would be compelled to prank you. After all, that was why the name "Marauders" was created, so that one could simply refer to their general group. Lily was not a particularly superstitious person, especially where the Marauder's were concerned, since her boyfriend was one. However, she thought that the next sentence was just courting danger –

"Well, you know – Sirius and Remus."

Lily said the last part very fast and it was a wonder that Lummy caught it at all, and then she crossed her fingers behind her back in a Muggle way. Lummy didn't notice anything particularly wrong, and asked instead –

"Why should I ask them?"

"Because they are your friends."

"Siri and Remmy? Now that's idiotic!"

Lily was miffed at being called an idiot again, especially after such a short period of time that she just turned around and kept studying. Lummy brushed this off, and rushed off to find Sirius.

Sirius was lounging in the boys' dormitory. He heard a knock on the door, and yelled, "Come in!" without asking who it was. He was very surprised when Lummy strode in.

"Sirius?"

"That is generally accepted as my name."

"I was wondering if you knew the counterjinx to the full body bind."

"Oh that – it's Inmediata Mobile, (stress on the second "I"). Why?"

"Research purposes. I find certain jinxes fascinating and…"

"Have you been reading _Hexing your Friends for Fun_?"

This caught Lummy off-guard – why would he ask that…unless he _knew_, and she muttered,

"Yes."

Sirius beamed, now here was a proper girl. He stood up a bit straighter, even though he was sitting down, and announced,

"James and I donated that book to the library. It is simply gorgeous, isn't it…?" (and then continued without waiting for Lummy to answer), "I remember the first time that I read it. I was just sitting there, and Remmy pops out of the sand, and I pointed my wand straight at him and shrieked _Desaugeo_! And his teeth kept growing and growing. And then there was the time that Ashley Turpin ran into me when I was reading it – poor girl – I got her with a Jelly Legs Jinx."

Sirius leaned back on the back two legs of his chair without showing any remorse at all. He noticed Lummy's excited face, and continued smoothly,

"Well, the book is rather marvelous, and it doesn't include _any_ countercharms for its hexes, adds a bit of color. Now, Lummy, whom did _you_ hex?"

Lummy looked somewhat grief-stricken at this query, but she remembered that this wasn't Lily, and Sirius probably wouldn't care.

"Harold."

"Ah, the sister hex."

"Would you come and help me fix her please?"

"I can't go up the girls' dormitory stairs, but if you wait a second, I'll get up there."

He gave her a little wink and disappeared into his trunk as though searching for something.

Lummy couldn't imagine what he was doing, but she ran down through the common room and up into the room where Harold was still lying, shocked, on the floor. Lummy hates waiting, but can't remember the counter jinx, and shouts, "_Wingardium Leviosa_!" instead.

Now her sister was levitating. And if she moved her wand in just the right way, she would levitate right out the room.

Soon Harold was lying flat on her back in the air outside the 7th story girls' dorm room.

Sirius was flying up to the girls' window on his broomstick when he realized that Harold was _already outside_. He whips his wand out of his robes and cries,

"_Inmediata Mobile_."

Harold is able to move again, but Lummy sees Sirius flying outside her window and drops her wand in shock. Harold begins to fall from the height of the 7th floor tower. Sirius stares stupidly for a moment, and then dives as he has never dived before.

"Harold! I'm coming!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"

She is millimeters from the ground when Sirius finally reaches her, and she lands safely.

"Are you all right mate?"

"I'm going to _kill_ my sister."

Sirius doesn't say anything, the girl _had_ been under the full body bind, and then dropped from a height of one hundred feet. He simply carries her up to the top of Gryffindor tower and drops her off in the dorm room. Sirius braces himself for Harold's attack on Lummy. Instead, Harold just runs away from her sister.

"Er, Lummy?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to come ride my broom with me?"

Lummy looks somewhat horrified at the prospect at first, and grips onto her bedpost tightly.

"C'mon, it's not that bad. Actually, it's quite good," cajoles Sirius rather stupidly.

"Is it safe?"

"Safe as peaches," suggests Sirius, with Lummy remaining unconvinced, since peaches are not renowned for their safety.

"Alright, but only for a bit."

Lummy steps out over the Gryffindor girls' dormitory window rails and onto Sirius' broomstick. She grips tightly to the wooden handle, and nods.

"Not so tight, you'll get splinters," joked Sirius rather halfheartedly, because Lummy looks very white.

They took off like a gunshot, and flew around the castle, the light breeze flapping their robes as the broomstick soared. It was not for naught that Sirius was one of the best beaters, because he was a superb flyer. The two circled about a tower, then dove to the ground –

"We're going to crash!"

"Of course not!"

The broomstick landed safely on the soft grass, and Sirius smiled cheekily at Lummy as if to ask how it was.

"Amelia was fantastic."

"Who, pray tell, is Amelia?"

"Your broom, of course."

"You liked it then?"

"Very much so."

Sirius then started to ask something, but didn't seem to be able to start properly, and finally spoke –

"I was wondering, you know, if perhaps you and I…"

"If I would ride Amelia alone?"

"Yes… I mean no, I meant if we could sometime…"

"Could I take her?"

And Lummy seized the broom "Amelia," and flew off into the sky, leaving the confused Sirius on the ground wondering how he could have phrased his question better.

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Will Sirius get the girl? Does the girl wish to be gotten? Review….


	10. Marauder's Venganza

**Chapter Ten: Marauder's Venganza (Revenge)**

James, Sirius, and Remus are gathered around Remus' bed with some very elaborate diagrams. Planning for Marauder's Revenge/Test is in its final stages. After about two hours, Sirius jumps up and shrieks, and gives James a hug. James looks at Sirius strangely, but acknowledges their triumph.

"The Spaghetti caper was merely the beginning."

"Well, even with the cork leg twist thrown in."

"This, my friends, is _brilliant_."

"But when shall we do it?"

"It must be during a class," requested Sirius.

"Not Transfiguration, or Potions," determined James.

"Charms!" cried Remus.

"Yes, and _Remus_ will distract Professor Flitwick," suggested Sirius shrewdly.

"Why me?"

"Because he _loves_ your summoning charm," taunted James.

"Well, that's that then," declared Sirius, and they went to bed.

It was Monday morning, and the Marauders were ready for the second stage of MV. Sirius and James were to set up the prank during Lunch, and it would be all ready when they arrived in Charms. They didn't even have their usual battle during Transfiguration, and Gryffindor didn't get to earn as many points as they did ordinarily. The Marauders were extraordinarily quiet through Potions, and Professor Slughorn wondered what was in the breakfast. But – and Remus raced through Lunch – it was _finally_ Charms.

Harold and Lummy, blissfully ignorant as always, sat in their usual seats. These seats were underneath a tower of invisible exploding snap cards that were hung from the ceiling. James had charmed them to make them extra potent, and attached them using an _impermanent_ sticking charm. Sirius notices the time, and gives a thumb up to Remus, who immediately stands up and calls to Professor Flitwick.

"I have something to show you, Professor."

"What is it Remus?" asked the Professor, beaming, Remus was one of his best students.

"It's a summoning charm," answered Remus, dramatically.

Professor Flitwick was enthralled, and gave a little squeak.

Meanwhile, Lummy stands up to stretch, knocking the invisible tower over. Since they are extra potent, their explosion sets both Lummy _and_ Harold's hair on fire. Harold begins to shriek and cry,

"Life is so unfair!"

Unfortunately (or fortunately, for the Marauders), there are two invisible cylinders around the two girls to catch all the water that falls, and Harold's tears create a pool. Some kind students around them began using the Aguamenti charm to put the fire out, but even this was ineffective. The water from these wands began accumulating around both Lummy and Harold. Soon, the two girls were almost drowning and burning at the same time, but at the same time feeling no pain due to the charms the Marauders had placed.

Flitwick finally stops watching Remus' brilliant Summoning charm and is horrified at the sight –

"My goodness, Remus – why didn't you inform me of this? Somebody go fetch Professor McGonagall!"

McGonagall, who knew precisely which seventh years were in this _particular_ charms class, was there in a trice.

"Potter…Black!"

"…and Lupin!" added a high-pitched voice from the back.

The class turned around, and saw the smirking face of Sirius Black, who immediately put on a mock-innocent look.

"And Lupin," amended Professor McGonagall, after taking note of Black's behavior.

In the meantime, Harold and Lummy were still aflame in effigy, and they had been standing in a pool of water for the past twelve minutes. Lily Evans stood up from the back of the class and performs an exemplary flame freezing charm, which yields no results. Professor McGonagall quirks an eyebrow, and turns to Sirius Black and James Potter.

"How does one remove this flame?"

Sirius, James, and Remus looked at one another, and James began,

"Well, we all _love_ Mulberry Juice."

"Deeply," adds Sirius.

"Unquenchingly," murmurs Remus.

"And in the corner, there are two bowls…" starts James

"…and one bottle…" Sirius continues.

"…of Milbern's finest…" puts in Remus.

"…Mulberry Juice!" shout all three of them together.

Upon hearing this news, Harold jumps over seven desks, dumps half the bottle of mulberry juice into one of the bowls, and flings her flaming head into it. Lummy, in attempt to do the same, but trips over each desk in turn, and falls on Lily, she murmurs sorry, then pours out a good bit of the mulberry juice into her own bowl.

"How could you? I've never flamed in my life," cried Harold as she ran out of the room. Meanwhile, Lummy is standing with the mulberry juice dripping down from her recently flaming coif. A drop falls into her mouth, and she stares at the class with an odd look on her face. She picks up the rest of Milbern's finest mulberry juice left in the bottle…and chugs it.

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It is delicious, is it not? (I mean mulberry juice) If one reviews, than one shall receive the joy of being read.


	11. The Date

**Chapter Eleven: The Date**

Sirius, who has been basking in the glory of the recent prank, realizes that the next Hogsmeade weekend is coming up. He thinks forlornly of his failed attempt to ask Lummy out. At breakfast, he begins to eat his eggs and toast in a most depressing manner.

"What's eating you Padfoot?" Sirius gives a half-smile, and quips,

"Well, _I'm_ eating eggs and toast, Moony."

"Don't be absurd – something's up."

"I haven't got a date for Hogsmeade weekend."

Remus chuckled upon hearing this – Sirius was the only boy at Hogwarts who had never been to Hogsmeade without a date.

"Don't worry, you'll get one."

"Now you're being absurd, I've already thought of one."

"Then what's the problem?"

"What if she's another idiot?"

Sirius had been having this problem a lot lately. He had discovered that every girl in the Seventh year at Hogwarts…with few exceptions…was an idiot. In fact, almost every Seventh year, boy or girl, was an idiot. Even more to his dismay, the few exceptions that _did_ exist consisted of his Slytherin cousins, his cousin's friends, and Lily Evans. There was that one Ravenclaw girl, but she hated his guts after an incident involving…a hag, a werewolf, and a fwooper. Sirius sighed rather audibly. What if Lummy was just like the others?

Remus looked at Sirius' sighing face. Since when had Sirius, the official "Most Charming Boy at Hogwarts", ever cared whether his date was an idiot? It was true that Remus and James had often wondered why someone as intelligent as Sirius could date so many stupid girls. But it _was_ Sirius who had dated Alice Finchley, the Hufflepuff seventh year who had stuck her head in a bucket because she thought she'd hear the ocean inside. Remus looked at Sirius again, and tried to decipher his inscrutable expression. _Who_ was Sirius pursuing anyway?

Down the table, where Harold and Lummy had elected to sit after persistent urging from Lily, a similar discussion was taking place. Lummy had indeed realized what Sirius was trying to do after the incident with the broom. She gave an absurd sigh and bit into her French toast viciously.

"What's up Luhrmalleen?"

"Don't call me Luhrmalleen, _Pearly Puff_."

"Alright, alright, don't be tetchy. What's going on Lummy?"

"You know that Sirius Black character?"

"The one with the longish black hair who was in the Shrieking Shack?" asked Harold, somewhat confused, why was Lummy asking her these questions?

"The very same."

"Well, what about him?"

"D'you think, well, d'you think he's an idiot?"

Harold thought for a second. So much had happened these past seven days that it was difficult to remember the salient points of Sirius' intelligence.

"I think he's fairly smart."

Lummy looked at Harold with a happier face, and asked,

"Shall I go to Hogsmeade with him then?"

Harold finally understood what was going on. _Little Lummy was going on a date!_

"Sure."

"Who are _you_ going with?"

"Gerald, I expect."

And then the conversation deteriorated to less interesting matters.

After breakfast was over, and the Great Hall was clearing out, Sirius walked over to Lummy. He stared pointedly at Harold for a moment, who was walking with Lummy, and remarked,

"Could I er, speak to you alone?"

Harold looked upon the two in a superior manner, and disappeared, smirking.

Sirius took a deep breath –

"Would you like to go to Hogsmeade weekend with me?"

Lummy gave him a mock-appraising sort of look, and replied,

"Sounds like a plan."

Hogsmeade morning, Sirius waited for Lummy in a set of stunning midnight blue dress robes. He had allowed his beautiful black hair to fall gracefully, allowing his sapphire eyes to stare back at whoever had the audacity to approach him when he was waiting for Luhrmalleen.

Lummy came sweeping down into the entrance hall, her green eyes glittering with excitement.

"Shall we, then?"

"Of course. But what about…?"

"Amelia? I've got her." Sirius tapped his pocket with his wand. "Shrinking Spell."

"Could we?"

"Of course."

Sirius brings out his broom – "Amelia". He sweeps his cloak behind him in a dramatic manner while holding Amelia in one hand.

"Oh Amelia, how I have loved you…"

Just then, the Ravenclaw prefect, sixth year Amelia Bones walks past and gives Sirius a withering look. Sirius blanches for a moment, but Lummy just laughs.

"My turn! Now, what _shall_ I do?"

Lummy slaps Sirius across the face, and cries,

"But I thought you loved _me_, Sirius."

A string of pretty, but slightly shifty Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw girls (otherwise known as the Sirius Black fan club) sneer at Lummy after she utters this line.

Regardless of such sundry interruptions, Sirius and Lummy take turns acting theatrical.

In the meantime, James and Remus are watching from underneath the invisibility cloak. James waits until Lummy and Sirius go off flying on Amelia, and then turns to Remus.

Remus asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Uh, why am I doing this instead of snogging Lily? Oh yea, because she has _Charms_ homework," James shakes his head, clearly annoyed.

"Actually, it was more along the lines of - why don't we film them?"

James thinks for a moment, and then nods his head.

The two of them rush off to their dorm to collect all of Remus' magical videotape equipment, which he has amassed from his continuing obsession with Muggle television. When they return, they discover that Sirius and Lummy have left for the Three Broomsticks.

"What would you like to drink, m'lady?" asks Sirius in a debonair voice. Lummy looks at him, and says in a fluttery voice,

"Perhaps a butterbeer, kind sir."

As Sirius trounces off to Madame Rosmerta's counter, James and Remus set up a prime spot and begin filming.

When Sirius returns with two butterbeers in his hand, the doors of the Three Broomsticks open with a thud. Five photographers, two reporters, and a witch with curly red hair walk through the doors, throwing Madame Rosmerta aside. One puts a mic up to Sirius, and asks,

"What's your name?"

From the tittering of the photographers it is evident that they already know his name, but Sirius obliges,

"Black, Sirius Black."

One of the reporters gives a little gasp, and the witch with red hair prompts,

"The heir to the Black fortune?"

Sirius grimaces for a second, but replies,

"The very same."

The same reporter gives another little gasp, and almost falls over. The red haired witch pays little attention, and they put a mic up to Lummy, and ask,

"And what is the name of this pretty little girl?"

Lummy quirks an eyebrow, but replies in a rather cold manner,

"Luhrmalleen Delaware."

The reporter who gave a little gasp actually falls over, but the witch with the red hair verifies,

"The _heir_ of Delaware?"

Lummy makes a face, and answers, "The very same."

The witch with the red hair finally smiles, murmurs "_this_ is what we came for," and announces,

"I am from the _Magical Enquirer_. Would you honor us with some photographs, Mr. Black?"

Sirius gets up with a flourish, and poses dramatically.

"How shall I stand?"

The red haired witch gestures at the photographer, who comes up to Sirius and suggests,

"With the knife, against Miss Delaware's throat?"

Lummy and Sirius smile at each other, enjoying the theatrics, while the rest of Three Broomsticks looks properly shocked. Sirius pulls out a knife from his pocket, makes a villainous smile, and gently places the tip of the knife on Lummy's back.

"It shall be called, _Killing Her_!" cackled the red-haired witch.

Lummy clicked her tongue impatiently.

"We don't have all day."

The woman from the _Magical Enquirer_ grimaced, and once again gestured at the photographer, who suggested timidly,

"Kiss her, Mr. Black?"

"It's the first date! I won't do it, so clear out," shouted Sirius angrily.

Lummy smiled a little half-smile, and piped up,

"As long as it's for a good cause, right Sirius?"

Sirius smiled a mischievous smile, and added,

"You'd better get this, because it's going to be good!" just as he gave Lummy a dramatic kiss on the lips.

James and Remus, who have been filming all this time, whisper to one another –

"This is getting better and better!"

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They end up together, and end up happily ever after. Harry marries Voldemort, and Hermione bewitches the Hogwarts castle into a fairy princess resort and moves in. Now, then, review – it is a far, far better thing you do than you have ever done before.


	12. Spring Break

**Chapter Twelve: Spring Break**

All the houses were gathered in the Great Hall Sunday morning, when Professor Dumbledore suddenly stood up.

"I would like to make an announcement."

The chatter in the great hall stopped.

"In a mere one and a half weeks, our two new seventh years, Pearly Puff and Luhrmalleen Delware, have made great progress. However, without our help, they cannot catch up fast enough. For this reason, all Seventh Years will be given a four day holiday!"

The cheer that erupted in the Great Hall soon erupted into a deafening roar.

In the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, James and Remus are examining the footage from the previous Hogsmeade trip. Using Remus' new "software" and Magical Photoshop, they reduce the footage to a 22 minute television pilot.

"What are we going to do with it, Moony?"

"We're going to sell it to Muggle Television."

James got a confused look on his face.

"What's Tele…thingy?"

Remus shook his head patronizingly.

"You'll see. We're going to America."

James, who had never been to America, goes and stupidly buys two airline tickets to New York. That very morning, Remus and James leave London/Heathrow airport and arrive in New York six hours later. Remus hails a cab.

"Where are we going, Moony?"

"ABC."

"I already know my letters, Remmy, now where are we going?"

"The American Broadcasting Corporation."

"Why?"

"To sell our show."

James looks at Remus with a touch of awe, and they pile into the yellow cab. They arrive at ABC and initially have trouble getting through security.

"You're going to need an appointment to see the executives," said the annoying secretary. Remus waved his hand around happily,

"We will need no appointment. You will let us in."

The secretary's eyes grew blank, and she repeated,

"You will need no appointment. We let you in. Please, move along."

"Announce us as Misters James Potter and Remus Lupin."

The weak-minded secretary seized the intercom and spoke,

"Sirs, a Mister James Potter and a Mister Remus Lupin will be in to see you shortly."

The two executives are initially very surprised to see the two teenagers walk up the stairs. Remus nudges James and pulls out two black sunglasses from his pockets (they have donned Muggle clothes for the trip). James and Remus put the sunglasses on, and lean back into the leather chairs. Remus speaks first, holding out his hand for a handshake,

"Gentlemen, I would be honored if you would view this television pilot."

The executives gave a little laugh, and one scoffed,

"I highly doubt that two _teenagers_ would be able to show us something that we could add to our fall line-up."

"Actually, gentlemen, when you see this masterpiece, you will be forced to add it to your _spring_ line-up. Which, as I have noticed, is a little lacking in the comedy category, and losing viewers in the 18-45 demographic."

The two executives appeared impressed against their will at Remus' knowledge. James stood up and put the DVD disc into the player at the front of the suite.

After twenty-two minutes, Remus looks expectantly at the two executives, who have been laughing for the past twenty minutes. One of them stands up and shakes Remus and James's hands repeatedly.

"In all my years, I have never seen such wonderful work from novices. It is ready to play on television – fully formed! And from two teenagers, imagine!" The other, more serious executive, pulled out a contract,

"I would like you, Mister James Potter and Mister Remus Lupin, to sign this contract. We are going to begin the show in three days, and it will run for the remainder of the season. Congratulations."

Remus and James couldn't believe their luck. After they signed the deal with ABC, the two stood up to leave, but the executives held up a hand.

"We need your actors and actresses to sign a contract as well."

Remus and James looked at each other nervously. Fortunately, Remus spoke up before the executives recognized that there was anything wrong,

"Well, the actors and actresses have already signed an iron-clad contract with our agency. Potter-Lupin enterprises. We thereby hold full legal responsibility for whatever they do, so long as we receive a full fifty percent of the profits from this show. Thank you sirs."

And with that Remus and James swept out of the executive's office, rode down the elevator, and Apparated back to England. They spend the remaining two days of their break pranking Diagon Alley with Sirius, who has been moping in his apartment since the beginning of break.

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Will it be a hit? Lather, review, repeat.


	13. Sirius, the Teenage Wizard

**Chapter Thirteen: _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_**

Excerpt from the Style section of The **Washington Post**:

"_The hit new TV show that hit ABC this past Thursday, _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_ is a must for teens and their parents alike. Dashing seventeen year old Sirius entertains audiences with his magical capers_…"

Excerpt from What's New in **People Magazine**

"_The as yet unnamed actor who plays the part of Sirius on _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard _is certainly America's new heartthrob – with his elegantly draped black locks and stunning sapphire eyes_…"

Lily, who has retained her Muggle habit of reading Muggle newspapers and watching their television begins to read an excerpt from **Entertainment Weekly**,

"There's a new Television show that's number one by all accounts…"

"Come on Lily, nobody cares about Muggle Tele-what's-it!"

"Yea, if you haven't noticed, we're _not_ Muggles."

Lily pursed her lips in a very superior manner, and continues,

"Listen you guys, it's about this great TV show, I know you think it doesn't matter, but American Muggle Television _can_ be rather good."

At the words "American Muggle Television" Remus and James stop eating and look nervously at each other. Across from Remus, Sirius is devouring two slices of buttered toast and three whipped cream lathered pancakes at the same time. Next to him, Lummy and Harold pore over a particularly nasty Transfiguration assignment. Lily's lilting voice continues to carry over the table –

"…it's quite sensational, considering the story behind the show called _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_…"

The entire Gryffindor table gasps.

"…it must be a coincidence; his escapades start off with a visit to a nearby wizard town with a pretty blonde actress, named affectionately "Lummy" for the series…"

The table gasps one more time. Lummy looks up absentmindedly, then goes back to Transfiguration. Sirius finally takes heed –

"What's going on here?" and reaches over the Gryffindor table to grab the magazine from Lily's hand to continue reading,

"For additional coverage and pictures of America's new heartthrob, the as yet unnamed actor who plays the role of Sirius Black, turn to page sixteen…"

Sirius looks darkly and adds, "Now, ladies and gentlemen, we shall know if it is mere coincidence."

There, on page sixteen, is a half-page picture of Sirius standing and holding his wand. Sirius seems to know that his fellow Marauders are behind this, and turns to Remus and James and demands,

"Explain yourselves."

"Well, you see," began Remus rather weakly.

"It makes loads of money, mate," cut in James as explanation. Sirius smiled his mischievous half-smile, and added,

"I expect about half then, Prongs." Lily looks sternly at the three of the Marauders, and scolds,

"What about the International Statute of Secrecy? Hmm? Have you thought about what would happen if the Muggles catch on that maybe Sirius' life _isn't_ a set?"

James offers a toothy smile to his red-haired girlfriend, and replies,

"Nobody believes that it's true, Lily dear."

After breakfast, Lummy and Harold are among the last to leave, owing to the fact that they had been devouring Transfiguration as opposed to toast. However, Lily catches up with Lummy, and asks sweetly,

"Aren't you upset that you're on Muggle Television?"

Lummy cocks her head thoughtfully, and answers,

"Not really, it seems funny, and Sirius'll give me some of the money."

"Lummy, you really are an idiot for going to Hogsmeade with him."

Lummy gasped – did Lily, the Head Girl, just call her an idiot? That was _her_ line…but wow, maybe Lily wasn't such a tosh after all,

"Hey Lils, d'you want to be my friend?"

"Don't be such a sap."

"Come now, have lunch with me sometime."

"My dear, sometimes, you're full of corn."

Sirius had kept a copy of the Muggle Magazine. _Thousands of fans? …Wow._

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Sirius the Teenage Wizard…ring a bell? Well, now it's on in the late seventies instead of the nineties…_do_ review, for a review in the hand is worth two in the bush. Reviews love bushes.


	14. The Magical Enquirer

**Chapter Fourteen: The Magical Enquirer**

Severus Snape walked into the Great Hall and hit his head against the wall. He messed up. He had looked at it. After years of practice…all for naught.

It was the Where's Waldo painting. The Marauders had put it up at the entrance to the Great Hall almost four years ago. However, it was no ordinary painting. When unprepared passersby walked in front of _this_ painting, their mind became mysteriously devoid of all ordinary thoughts, and became filled with a single question.

"Where _is_ Waldo?"

Over the years, Hogwarts students and professors had learned to look elsewhere when entering the Great Hall to avoid the embarrassment of looking bewildered for those ten seconds. Ministers and newcomers were usually caught in its gaze, much to their dismay. But today…Severus Snape had forgotten. Luckily, nobody had noticed. This was because thousands of owls were pouring in the Great Hall, dropping flashy magazines in front of each and every Hogwarts student.

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It was a copy of the _Magical Enquirer_. On the cover were the smiling and waving faces of Sirius and Lummy, with the caption "FIND OUT THE TRUTH" in red letters underneath.

"Oh Sirius, I thought you loved _me_," murmured Alice Finchley, as she and the rest of Sirius' fan club strolled needlessly by the Gryffindor table. In the middle of the Hufflepuff table, students were busy speculating,

"He _seemed_ like such a nice boy."

"Honestly, Florence, with a family like that…?"

"Aargh, can't everyone just mind their own business!" yelled Sirius, and disappeared from the Great Hall with Luhrmalleen Delaware, leading to further speculation.

On cue, James follows them with his invisibility cloak and Remus' magical video camera. Remus edges over to the Ravenclaw table, where members of Sirius' fan club are reading the tabloid aloud.

"…_The heir of the Black fortune, Sirius, has been seen demonstrating his familial tendencies for DARK behavior…_"

Remus supposed that this accompanied the staged picture of Sirius stabbing Lummy.

"…_here we have an exclusive interview with those who know him best, Professor McGonagall, and Lisa…_"

Remus did a double take – McGonagall? And who was Lisa?

"…_The Professor remarks that she has never seen a troublemaker quite like Black…_"

Remus whistled, of course, other than Potter, that is.

"…_Lisa, our inside coverer from Hogwarts notes that Black has had a tendency to display murderous tendencies for a long time…often poisoning other students when angered…_"

The erstwhile werewolf bit back a smile…that was one of Sirius' first pranks on Snape, only the "poison" was meant to be a laughing potion, but Sirius was never particularly good at mixing ingredients. His little reverie was interrupted by another shriek from the Ravenclaw table.

"There's another article girls! Here, I'll start – _it appears that Hogwarts will become witness to its very own Romeo and Juliet story (Persius and Araminta, for those unacquainted with Muggle literature)…_"

Remus was quite sure that this was opening the slightly less staged picture of Sirius kissing Lummy. However…hadn't Persius and Araminta been cursed to death by their own families? He listened intently –

"…_Sirius Black, heir of the massive Black fortune, and Luhrmalleen Delaware, one of the heirs of the powerful stewards of Delaware, have found love in their seventh year. But this discovery has been met with anger on both sides…we have an exclusive interview with Regulus Black and Lisa…_"

Remus gave an audible groan at Regulus' name. When odd looks were thrown his way, he mumbled stomachache and pointed at his toast. What was Sirius' Slytherin brother doing in a tabloid?

"…_Regulus Black, the younger, very charming, brother of Sirius Black notes that Luhrmalleen "Lummy" Delaware will not be welcome to the Black fold, owing to her sixteen years spent as a Muggle_…"

After he could no longer play off eavesdropping on the Ravenclaw table, and his toast was too cold to eat, Remus disappeared into the Gryffindor common room, where Lily and James were having what they enjoyed calling a "calm discussion", but was better characterized as a "blazing row". This time, it was about Head duties.

"James, dear, you are not fulfilling them properly. You are supposed to confiscate these…" Lily checked the label, "…Wrist-Bashing Wranglers, _not_ add them to your own collection of illegal items." Then, as an afterthought, Lily sniffed,

"You are not even supposed to have your own collection of illegal items."

James had turned red, but was looking plaintively at his girlfriend –

"Lily, _darling_, I merely keep them because I know that I will be able to protect against their…er…ineffective usage."

Remus chuckled, and went up to his dormitory.

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And then there were reviews, and the world burst into song


	15. New Identities

**Chapter Fifteen: New Identities**

A message had come by owl post from Remus parents. But inside, there was another envelope, this one marked "Important, Confidential." It was from the ABC executives, addressed to Messrs. Remus Lupin and James Potter. Remus kicked James under the table as he tried to bite into a meatball.

"Ouch! What's wrong, Moony?"

"Letter. Meet me in the Shack after breakfast."

A new voice came floating over the Gryffindor table, one from a boy with a tousled mop of black hair atop his head –

"Moony, Prongs, is that a letter I spot?"

Unfortunately, the new voice could not get any closer, because a throng of girls had been waiting to pounce upon him as soon as he entered the Great Hall.

"Did you _really kill her_, Sirius, darling?"

"You didn't actually _kiss her_, did you?"

"I'd be a wonderful girlfriend, you know?"

James recognized the last statement as coming from none other than Alice Finchley, Sirius stalker extraordinaire. He chuckled, and motioned for Remus to follow him out to the Shrieking Shack. Once they were inside, James asked,

"What is this all about?" Remus made a show of pulling his hair out, and motioned toward the letter itself.

"_It has come to our attention that the actors and actresses on your Television show may not be registered with the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) as required by ABC bylaws. It is therefore recommended that the Potter-Lupin Agency fill out the enclosed forms for all those featured on your show. Please return these at the earliest convenient date…_"

"It can't be _that_ hard. I mean, all we have to do is fill out his name, birthdate…"

"His _name_, James?"

James realized with a start that they weren't going to believe that his actual name was Sirius Black –

"We could just make everything up."

"_Everything_?"

"It's not like they have Muggle records for them. Just some names, numbers, and we're set."

Remus chewed on the end of his quill and brought out the first form. They thought for a few seconds as to what name they would give him. James pried the form from Remus' fingers and began scribbling furiously,

"I've got it!"

"What?"

"_Rufus Scrimgeour_."

"The ugly Hufflepuff?"

"No one will suspect a thing. Could you imagine anyone confusing Sirius with _that_ kid?"

"Alright. Birthdate?"

"Use his real one."

"What about for Lummy?"

James got a wicked glimmer in his eyes.

"I have an idea, but Sirius would _kill_ us."

"What is it?"

"Narcissa Black."

"His _cousin_?"

"Do we know any other Narcissa Blacks? Think, Remus!"

"Won't people find it odd that she has the same last name as Sirius' character?"

"True. Let's give her a Slytherin last name."

"_Snape_," suggested Remus, giving James a wicked smile. Then they both looked at each other, and murmured, "That's too mean." After going through possible surnames derived from the Slytherin house, they decided upon Avery.

"Narcissa Avery. It has a nice ring to it," stated James. Remus gave a short laugh,

"Maybe if either of them were nice people."

And with that revelation, they mailed in the forms to the American Broadcasting Corporation.

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This will be trouble, mark me words, laddies…now then, posts! Reviews!


	16. An American Tale

**Chapter Sixteen: An American Tale**

Sirius woke up at dawn. It was time for Quidditch practice. His wrist burned as James waited impatiently. Sometimes, his best friend was less than ideal. Sirius almost made it out of bed, but collapsed once more under the covers.

Sirius woke up at ten o'clock. Quidditch practice was over. He had slept through it. He could almost see Remus in the corner of the dormitory, whispering something. Sirius had one foot on the floor, but it was _so cold_.

Sirius woke up at noon. Breakfast was over. Someone was shaking him. It looked like Remus. It had Remus' eyes, Remus' nose, and Remus' funny hair. It was probably Remus.

Remus had watched Sirius try to get up three times. It was very funny. Unfortunately, if Sirius kept this up, he would miss the train home, and they would miss their publicity stunt in California. Remus toyed with the possibility that Sirius had forgotten that they were going to California.

"_Sirius_! You've got to get up; it's our pre-NEWT study break. We're going to California, remember?"

"Hello Remus."

"Don't hello me! Have you even packed? Do you realize what this means?"

"You look nice, Remus."

Sirius finally got up at 12:30 in the afternoon. Remus had enlisted Lummy to come and wake up Sirius. What annoyed Sirius most was that instead of using a nice wake-up kiss; Lummy had used her well to pour water all over him.

At least he didn't need to take a shower now.

Sometime around two-thirty, the Marauders had finally piled onto the Hogwarts Express for their train ride home. Sirius' robes were hanging out of his trunk where it had not closed properly, and his ordinarily immaculate appearance was wanting. James was stroking Lily's hair intently, but Lily appeared to be telling the prefects what they needed to do instead of paying attention to James. Lummy was curling the tips of her long blond hair with her wand and observing the effects in the Hogwarts Express windows. She found it excessively boring, but Sirius had fallen asleep again. Harold was chatting amicably with Gerald Afbetoqui, who had somehow worked his way onto the train. Remus was reading.

"Now mates, here's a schedule."

"Why aren't we seeing any sights?"

"Because, well, there's nothing to see," lied Remus. Sirius looked skeptical, but agreed to the plan.

"When are Harold, Lummy, and Gerald joining us?"

"Three or Four days from now, I 'spect."

In a few moments, Sirius, James, and Remus found themselves in the middle of Beverly Hills. Immediately after they exited the small wood used as an Apparition point, Sirius was accosted by a crowd of girls,

"Wow, it's him!"

Luckily, Remus was ready.

"Now is not the time girls! You can catch your favorite star _and_ get his autograph if you come to the Cardinal Ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hotel – remember, first come first served, take a flyer!" as he threw an entire stack of flyers at the group of girls, mouthed _RUN_ to Sirius and James. Once they had escaped, Sirius asked,

"Remus, is my television show really _this_ popular?"

"Sirius, please look up at the billboards around us. What do you notice?"

Each of the boards had Sirius' face pasted on it and various captions including "Vote for America's Sexiest Bachelor online," and "Don't miss _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_, on ABC every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday."

After Sirius was able to close his mouth and stop gazing at the thousands of pictures of himself, Remus hailed a cab and took it to the Beverly Hills Hotel. He wasn't quite sure how much money the cab driver was looking for, so he just handed him a fifty dollar bill and skipped out of the car.

"Was that _Muggle _money, Moony?" asked James, interestedly.

"Yea, I hope I gave him the right amount. Now, James and I will be meeting with the ABC executives right now, and Sirius will be signing pictures of himself in the ballroom."

Sirius looked less than happy about this. The three of them walked into the ballroom where there was a table surrounded with gifts with one lonely looking chair behind it. On the table, there was a stack of pictures about a foot high. Behind the table, a banner announced,

"_RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR AUTOGRAPH TABLE_."

James and Remus braced themselves for the whiplash.

"Hey Moony…why does it say _Rufus Scrimgeour_?" questioned Sirius in a dangerously sweet tone.

"Er…well…we couldn't put your _real_ name on the contract. It would be weird if your real name was the same as your television name."

"So my name is…_Rufus Scrimgeour_? As in…the ugly Hufflepuff?"

"Umm, yes?"

Sirius looked almost menacing now.

"What's Lummy's new name?"

James and Remus looked at each other nervously. Picking a name that would annoy Sirius seemed terribly foolhardy now. James took a deep breath and replied,

"Narcissa Avery."

"As in my horrible cousin, Narcissa, and my brother's best friend, Avery?"

"That seems about right."

Remus decided to do some quick thinking –

"Actually, James will stay here with you and…er…oversee your progress. I'll handle the meeting alone. See you all."

Remus Disapparated. James decided that it was probably a good idea to stay with Sirius to ensure that he didn't hex any of his fans in anger.

In the time that the three Marauders had been talking, a lengthy line had been formed in front of the table. The line circled through the red roping that had been set up for that purpose, and nearly reached the door of the massive ballroom. A large lady was staring down at Sirius expectantly.

"Hello miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

Instead of replying, the lady began to gush,

"Oh Rufus, I love your work. When you refused to kiss that Lurmy girl for the tabloid, I thought, what a gentleman."

"Yes, that's very nice miss, but what name shall I write?"

"Anna Schilling."

Sirius wrote "_To Anna Schilling, much love,_" grimaced, then continued, "_Rufus Scrimgeour_."

When the lady left, he turned around and gave James a dirty look. The next fan was a pretty girl with red hair. Behind him, he heard James breathe "_Lily_".

"Hello miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

"Rufus Scrimgeour, you have like, no idea, how long I've waiting to meet you!"

"Please, call me Sirius."

"Wow, you are like totally a _method_ actor. It is absolutely amazing."

"Thank you, but what name shall I write?"

"Susan Fischer."

Sirius wrote "_To Susan Fischer, much love, Sirius Black_." The girl looked confused for a moment, but gratified, and left.

Some five hundred fans later, Sirius' hand felt as though it was about to fall off. And _still_ the line was pushing the limits of the ballroom. The next woman looked like she was very worn and tired.

"Hullo miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

"Pictures, sorry, I've got five girls."

Sirius felt a rush of sympathy for the woman – she reminded him of Gideon Prewett's elder sister, Molly. Although, he now remembered that she had five _boys_, the youngest two were twins.

"Could you sign your name as _Rufie_? My husband's name is Rufus, and I don't want them to get confused."

The rush of sympathy was gone.

Sirius signed six pictures for "Mrs. Scapperman, Rinkie, Flinkie, Minkie, Binkie, and Zoë," each with a _love Rufie_ appended to the end. At the last name, he gave a little laugh and asked if the last one was a mistake. The woman threw him a look of pure loathing and left. James was forced to stop Sirius from throwing a stinging hex after her.

Sirius decided to start "signing" the photographs under the table, allowing him to wave his wand instead of writing it out painstakingly. After an additional three hundred fans (thankfully, James had closed the entrance to the ballroom some forty-five minutes ago), Sirius was nearing the end. The next girl had long blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. Sirius did a double take…she looked _extraordinarily_ like Lummy…but that was impossible, Lummy was in Delaware.

Gingerly, Sirius began, "Hullo miss. What shall I write on this picture?"

"Don't you _notice _me? I look just like your one true love, Narcissa Avery. Don't you _love_ me Rufus? I've gotten thousands of dollars of plastic surgery done, and just for you, Rufus. Why Rufus, you've _stolen_ my heart."

Sirius, unable to think of any proper response, conjured at life-size heart using his wand and handed it to the drooling girl.

"Here, I'm returning the heart I stole from you." The blonde girl shrieked in a very un-Lummy-like way, and yelled,

"This is DISGUSTING! I _HATE_ Rufus Scrimgeour!"

James quickly followed the distraught girl out, allowing Sirius to finish signing autographs. Sirius continued muttering something that sounded like "_crazed Muggles_," but thankfully did not conjure anything else before the autograph session ended. When the last giggling girl had finally left, clutching the signed photograph, James turned to Sirius in annoyance.

"You could've had us caught…what _were you thinking_?"

"C'mon mate, if you'd been me, you would've jinxed her."

James nodded ruefully, and they left the ballroom in silence.

In the meantime, Remus had made the best deal of his life. Sirius was going to be spectacular, he would go to the Oscars, and Remus would be exalted for finding the world's hottest actor. And he would be rich.

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A superbly long chapter, no? Now then, for more where that came from, review!


	17. The Joys of Fame

**Chapter Seventeen: The Joys of Fame**

Harold and Lummy had finally arrived back home to Delaware, eager to see the house that they had left behind three months ago. It seemed much longer than that, especially after they had studied for five hours each day. After Harold and Lummy had gotten their trunks unpacked, Lummy decided to go for a stroll around the park to enjoy the brilliant weather that Delaware was having. The main point was that there wasn't any snow on the ground.

A pretty brunette walked up to Luhrmalleen, and engulfed her in a hug. It was one of her friends from high school.

"Hello Melinda, it's been ages," began Lummy, gratified to see her.

"Oh, 'Cissa, we were _so_ worried about you originally, when you and your sister just disappeared one day, and Gerald too. But then, we saw you on television, and we _knew_. You could have told me you were going to audition!" said Melinda, her face lit up.

Lummy hadn't noticed very much other than she had just been referred to as "Cissa", which, try as she might, didn't seem to be any iteration of her real name.

"Excuse me, Melinda, but what did you call me?"

"Cissa, of course. Short for Narcissa. Why didn't you tell me that was your real name?"

Lummy was completely lost at this point. Wasn't Narcissa that mean Slytherin girl who was supposedly related to Sirius? Why would her name be Narcissa? However, just as she began to ask Melinda about it, one boy she vaguely remembered from high school appeared at Melinda's side.

"M'name's Philip. You remember me, right?"

She really didn't, but it seemed churlish to disagree, and Lummy merely nodded.

"Could we take a picture together? You know, since we're old friends from high school?"

Lummy thought that barely remembering his face hardly qualified as being "old friends", but she wanted to please Melinda, so she posed amicably. The flashbulbs went off in the park, and the boy called Philip jumped up and shrieked,

"I HAVE A PICTURE WITH NARCISSA AVERY! I CAN DIE HAPPY!"

Lummy looked at Melinda quizzically – who on earth was Narcissa Avery? Perhaps Narcissa had married that idiotic blonde boy who was friends with Sirius's kid brother. How could Narcissa have married _anyone_? She was only seventeen! Now that Lummy thought about it, Avery was probably only fourteen, and probably couldn't….

But her thoughts were rudely interrupted by Melinda who was shaking her shoulders vigorously.

"The teachers at school know that I know you," (Melinda blushed proudly), "And they asked me if I were to see you again, if you could please come and give a speech at school. I mean, you're _Narcissa Avery_."

At this point, Lummy had had enough. She didn't come back to Delaware to be fawned upon. Her beautiful green eyes glittered angrily, and she stared straight at Melinda, and spoke,

"Tell them that I shall give no such speech, and that my name is _not_ Narcissa Avery." Lummy turned around and ran straight back home.

In the meantime, Harold and Gerald decided to go grocery shopping. After all, Harold _did_ have some money, and they were woefully out of vegetables and soup. Harold had brushed her long blonde hair in a style similar to her sister's, and her pretty hazel eyes were happy at the thought of going out with Gerald.

"Now, first on the list is cucumbers," announced Gerald importantly.

Harold giggled, and looked up at the signs to figure out where they were. Soon, they had filled the cart with tomatoes, pickles, and cucumbers, among other things. Everything was going fine until Harold tripped over a can in the soup aisle. She fell with a clatter, and would have broken her nose if Gerald had not caught her just in time.

A round of flashbulbs went off behind them. Harold turned around immediately to find a group of photographers grinning merrily and snapping away. An important looking woman strode up to them with a microphone, and asked,

"So, Narcissa, how does it feel to be going on the tour of the United States?"

Harold blinked. Why was this Muggle calling her Narcissa? Did she look especially Slytherin-like?

"Excuse me, ma'm, but I think you are quite mistaken," replied Gerald politely.

The woman gave a sharp laugh, and cried,

"My dear, those colored contacts aren't going to disguise you! I could recognize that face _anywhere_. It's posted all over the United States!"

Harold gaped. She must look quite stupid now, but _who_ was wearing colored contacts? She looked at Gerald pleadingly, and he spoke up,

"My friend Harold and I both live here in Delaware."

"As if I'm likely to believe that this beautiful girl has a name like Harold! She's Narcissa Avery, through and through. Now, Narcissa, who is this handsome gentleman here? Has he stolen your heart? Have you thought about what Rufus would say about this?"

Harold looked at the woman as if she were mad. Why would the ugly Hufflepuff say _anything_ to her? And why was she supposed to be called _Narcissa Avery_? The two of them ran out of the grocery store, leaving the vegetables forgotten in the canned soup aisle.

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Fame is a fickle friend, mein liebling. But a review makes the star shine and the clouds float away.


	18. The Movie Deal

**Chapter Eighteen: The Movie Deal**

Remus had just broken the news of Sirius' new movie deal to James. However, Remus frowned…James was not looking as excited about it has he was.

"Prongs ol' boy, this is the real deal…the Oscars, mate!"

"He's not going to like it."

"He'll _love_ it! C'mon, it's an amazing, touching tale of human emotion."

Remus listened properly to what he had just said. Sirius Black would _hate_ it. He left James to break the news to their young star.

Sirius Black had just discovered television. And Pay-per-view! He was eagerly flipping through the different shows using the remote, why, it was like magic! It was the only thing he could do to get his mind off that horrible girl at the autograph session…how _dare_ she try to look like Lummy? There was a knock on the door as he went through the jinxes he would have liked to use on her.

"Yes?"

"It's Prongs."

"Come on in, Jimmy."

Sirius smirked, because James _hated it_ when he was called Jimmy. But James didn't make any retorts, which was a sure sign that something was wrong. In fact, if Sirius didn't know better, he would have thought that James was _afraid_. Afraid of what, was the question.

"Hey Padfoot…Remus signed you up for this movie, it's a pretty sweet deal."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, and asked interestedly,

"Lemme guess…I'm a pirate? With a swashbuckling crew of motley fools?"

"No actually…not that that makes any sense –"

"No wait, I'm an oil magnate, looking upon his millions, yearning for a girl to love…and just the right one comes along…." Sirius gazed away dreamily, thinking of one Luhrmalleen Delaware. James grimaced, but plowed onward,

"No, actually, you're a. –"

"Sword-wielding Prussian, with his armies sweeping behind him…." Sirius got up and almost impaled James with what was supposed to be a sword, but was actually a large lollipop he had received from an admirer. James ducked, and tried again,

"No, Sirius, you're – "

But Sirius was not to be daunted, for he spoke up again,

"A Prince! Who can't bear to look upon his countrymen toiling as he lounges over seas of silken sheets, and…."

"SHUT UP!" cried James, finally on the end of his tether. He grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and snatched the lollipop from his hand.

"Sirius, you will play a homeless man."

"A…a homeless man? But I'll do something adventurous and dashing in the script, and become president or something, right?" sputtered Sirius, weakly.

"Well, not precisely adventurous…more along the lines of finding your soul."

"But I'll get a gorgeous girl and we'll have brilliant, beautiful children?"

"You _do_ get a girl, but she dies, and she's not all that gorgeous."

"Damn. I don't even want to _see_ this movie, let alone be in it! At least I'll get to _look_ dashing, if nothing else," lamented Sirius.

"Sirius, we can't have a _handsome_ homeless man. It has to be believable."

"I have to be ugly?"

"It'll get you an Oscar?"

"James, I'm not gay."

"Oscar's not a _guy_; it's a prize you get for being amazingly good at acting."

"Well, I don't want it. At least I won't have to go by Rufus, I can keep my real name, because I'm acting," tried Sirius, looking superbly melancholy. James looked positively appalled after he said this, because a moment afterward, he replied,

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"Your name can't be Sirius. That's the name you have on your _television_ show. Instead, we've found a more fitting name for you."

"Oh, can I be Alexander? Or…get this…Charles de Gaulle, now that Muggle was one _ass_-kicker."

"You already have a name."

"What is it? Don't tell me…Severus," suggested Sirius, mockingly.

"It's Peter."

Sirius' eyes widened – he, Sirius Black, was being forced to play an ugly homeless man, with no luck with girls, and the most horrible, namby-pamby name in the _world_. He turned around, slammed the door in James' face, and began throwing every item of furniture out the window. James winced with every crash, especially the shattering of the table lamp, and went to break the news to Remus.

Remus, on the other hand, was very happy. He had just received his owl post, and the pretty Ravenclaw he had an eye on had just sent him a quick greeting. He puffed out his chest in pride – she _must_ have heard about how he had made Sirius Black an American celebrity. She was very good at Arithmancy, and knew Ancient Runes almost as well as _he_ did. So much for Sirius' complaint that all girls in their year were idiots! It would be perfect…if only it weren't full moon. Remus curled up in his end of the Presidential Suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel, cleared the room of anything that could be damaged, and began to transform.

James realized with a start that Lummy and Harold were arriving from Delaware today, and he needed to go to the airport to pick them up. Luckily, there was a limousine waiting in the hotel parking lot for the express use of "Rufus Scrimgeour's entourage." As James exited the lobby, he noticed that a crowd of people had gathered around the pile of broken furniture that Sirius persisted in throwing from his window.

"CRASH!" He was sure that the last one was a portion of a Louis XIV style cabinet. But why was everyone gathered there? Someone had even set up a computer atop his SUV, watching the spectacle.

"Oi – why are you all here watching the man chuck stuff out of his window?"

He was surprised to be answered by a pretty girl with shoulder-length black curls, who submitted,

"This was thrown by _Rufus Scrimgeour_, the most famous actor _ever_. I'm keeping some of it, and selling the rest on eBay." She was interrupted by a scruffy-looking man with an axe, who appeared to be hacking up the Louis XIV cabinet,

"This stuff sells fast – I sold the glass from that broken light bulb for ten grand just a few minutes ago."

"Doesn't the hotel mind?"

"Not as long as we give 'em a percentage of our profits!"

James tore himself away from the eagerly awaiting crowd – one girl had actually caught the water jug that Sirius had just thrown – and ran into the limousine, and they set off for the airport.

It appeared that James had set off for the airport not a second too soon, and perhaps a good many seconds too late. A crowd of fans was already waiting at the arrivals gate, whispering eagerly. He heard snatches of a particular conversation –

"I heard Narcissa Avery was coming in today."

"With her _boyfriend_."

"And she has a body double."

"I'm going to get her autograph!"

"I'm going to get a lock of her hair!"

James was especially upset by the last admission, and ran to the arrivals gate, where the angry flight aids had closed off all access. He approached them and asked if this was the plane with Narcissa Avery and her sister Harold?

"What d'you thinks, mister? We get this much of a crowd for _every_ flight from Delaware?"

"Sorry miss, could I pick them up and leave? The limousine is waiting."

The woman scowled, but James could see Harold, Lummy, and Gerald making their way gingerly out of the walkway from the airplane.

"Go ahead sir, and be quick about it."

As soon as the crowd got a glimpse of Lummy, it was as though a dam had burst. Thousands were bursting in, shouting "Narcissa Avery" at the top of their lungs, and crushing James slowly and painfully into a metal bar.

"James! You have no idea how glad I am to see you," began Gerald, as he and James created a sort of protective barrier around Harold and Lummy.

"Was it this bad all the way through?"

"No, at the beginning it was fine because no one seemed to recognize us and Harold and Lummy's passports say strange things on them. But it was at a stopover in Chicago that all hell broke out," and Gerald gave a little shake as though he'd rather not remember Chicago O'Hare airport.

"What happened?"

"Oh, some lovestruck teenage boy began to serenade Lummy, something like _Narcissa, my Narcissa_, and soon everyone was hanging around us, trying to touch something we owned."

They finally reached the waiting limousine – it was thankful that they had only hand luggage – and they sped away to the airport. James took a survey of the situation, Lummy was looking extraordinarily flushed for someone so easygoing, and Harold was taking short gasps of air while clutching Gerald's fingers. This last bit made James smile at last, and soon they were nearing the hotel.

"What _is_ that?" asked Lummy, clearly referring to the scene taking place in front of the hotel. It seemed that Sirius had still not run out of things to throw out the window – yes, that _was_ a refrigerator. It also seemed that Sirius was sick of Pay-per-view, since the remnants of his television appeared strewn artfully upon the Louis XIV style desk.

"Come inside and I'll tell you," whispered James, once he spotted a tabloid journalist eyeing them hopefully from the wreckage.

On the way up the elevator, James told the woeful tale about how Remus had signed a contract for Sirius' behalf, forcing him to play a homeless man. Lummy's eyes narrowed – it was clear that she would be taking Sirius' part in this – but she said nothing as they made their way into the presidential suite.

Sirius' door was still closed, although from the sound of it, he was having difficulty finding more things to throw. James thought he heard something along the lines of "That's right, six-hundred grand for the shattered Louis XIV style desk," but he decided to forget about the mayhem below. Lummy tried knocking on the door, but even her sweet words did not cause the door to open. As a result, the four of them all disappeared into their respective corners of the suite, and went to the sleep to the crashing of fine furniture.

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It's fun to watch destruction, no? Seek and Review...Metallica.


	19. Enter Lily Evans

**Chapter Nineteen: Enter Lily Evans**

Lily Evans was very upset. She had owled _all_ of her friends and no one had returned a single post. Not even her boyfriend. And now her horrible sister Petunia was mocking her.

"Lily has no friends! Not even her freak of a boyfriend wants to write to her!"

Even though Lily didn't want to believe it to be true, she had to agree with Petunia. After all, no one _had_ written to her. And James told her that he had a _surprise _for her. Honestly, the nerve of that boy. Lily had thought that perhaps perfect Prefect Remus would find it in his heart to write her a message – but no letters came fluttering in. She had even had the urge to confide in her mother, but Mrs. Evans only replied, "Be strong Lily-flower, for blessed are those who wait."

She had overzealously finished all her NEWT practice books as a means of making herself feel better, but her mood did not lift until the next day at dinner.

"Lily, Petunia, dears?" said her father carefully after swallowing the mashed potatoes.

"Yes?" they enquired sweetly.

"How would you all like to go on a little vacation, just our family?"

"_Marvelous_," breathed Petunia, her jubilant expression clashing with her horsey face, "But just one thing."

"And that is?"

"Could, Vernon come?"

"Absolutely not," shrieked Mrs. Evans, who was not fond of Petunia's rotund paramour. Petunia made a very childish face, much to Lily's amusement, who used the opportunity to ask where they were going.

"California. Los Angeles, I think."

"Sounds fantastic," replied Lily weakly.

It did, but it would have been better if she had at least _heard_ from her friends during the break. Everyone was quickly packed, ready to leave on the next flight out of London/Heathrow airport. Lily vaguely remembered Remus mentioning something about California to Sirius – could it be? It was probably just wishful thinking that she might actually see her friends once in a while, she thought bitterly. The Evans family arrived at the airport with extraordinary ease, but Lily heard some strange whispers from the flight attendants.

"I'm _so_ glad there aren't any celebrities on this flight."

"Yesterday was _terrible_."

"I heard that Narcissa Avery was on, with her body double and her dashing boyfriend."

"Indeed – and her limousine driver was late!"

"Odd how her limousine driver looked like her boyfriend…."

For the third time that week, someone thought confusedly that Narcissa Black had gotten married to the strutting, but pubescent, Avery. Lily thought it unlikely, since if she were married, she wouldn't have a _boyfriend_. And why would all these Muggles know her name? The taxicab arrived from the airport at the Hilton, Los Angeles, where they quietly settled into one of the family suites. It was quite comfortable really – with the breezy California air whisking about her. After a while, Lily decided to get a stick of gum from the convenience store, and perhaps, she thought wickedly, she would peruse the magazines.

The convenience store was nearly empty, except for one peroxide blonde cashier. Lily strolled up to the aisle to select a brand of gum – but not before she saw the tabloids stacked in the aisle. Her eyes grew wide as she read the titles – drinking in the pictures and their captions –

"**National Enquirer**: Gorgeous Narcissa Avery two-times co-star with dashing brunette, Scrimgeour is shocked." This particularly revolting tome featured a girl that Lily recognized as Harold merely holding Gerald's hand shyly.

"**Star Reports**: Scrimgeour has a mental breakdown as he frightens eager fans during autograph session." The picture accompanying this headline was far more interesting – for Sirius was pictured holding what appeared to be an actual heart, glaring at a girl who superficially resembled Luhrmalleen Delaware.

"**In-Touch Weekly**: Miss Avery seen with over twelve different men in just the last week – the possible nymphomaniac tells all in a shocking story." Although the headline boasted twelve men, Lily could only see three pictured with Luhrmalleen – one of whom was obviously Sirius. Furthermore, it seemed that one of the pictures was of _Harold_, not Lummy.

"**Celebrity Update**: Tragic actor Rufus Scrimgeour throws all of his furniture from hotel window at the Beverly Hills Hotel."

"**The F-Y-I** **90210**: Scrimgeour's agents, Rome and Jimsie are found arguing in a bar – possible scars remain."

"**The Beverly Hills Sun**: In a ghastly tale, we find that Jimsie, Scrimgeour's own agent, has been stealing the love of his life, Miss Avery, away from the tragic actor." Upon closer scrutiny, Lily found that it was not James, or Jimsie, but Gerald, who was shown with Harold on the cover.

"**The Rumor Mill** – _if it's a rumor, its here first_: Jimsie Potts, Scrimgeour's agent, has actually been two-timing the lovely Miss Avery for a red-haired beauty found off the coast of Scotland, whose name remains unknown." Lily blushed to find that the red-haired beauty was none other than herself; the picture was taken by a couple of kids on one of their school trips.

"**The Satellite Files**: Rome Lycan, the young co-agent for the brilliant actor, Rufus Scrimgeour, is really a werewolf. The inside scoop in this thrilling tale – inside!"

In her surprise, Lily picked up _all_ of the tabloids, and nearly forgot the stick of gum until the last minute.

"Got a crush on Rufus Scrimgeour?"

It took a moment for Lily to figure out that the cashier was talking to her, and by that time she had forgotten the question.

"Sorry?"

"I asked, do you have a crush on Rufus Scrimgeour?"

"I'm afraid I don't."

"Why're you buying all these tabloids then?"

Lily couldn't very well say that they were covered with pictures of her friends, so she simply opened and closed her mouth like a fish.

"I totally know what you mean. I was obsessed with Rufus ever since that show started –"

"Show?"

"C'mon girl, have you been living under a _rock_? Sirius, the Teenage Wizard, only the _hottest _show on television. It's on four times a week now, biggest money-raker that ABC ever got. Did you hear – it's not even produced by them."

Lily tried to look interested in something other than the girl's blinding hair. The garrulous cashier pretended not to notice – and continued merrily,

"It's produced by these two – protijays – or however you say it. From England, you know. Come to think of it, Rufus Scrimgeour has the most _gorgeous_ British accent. Kind of like yours, actually."

Lily hadn't realized that she had said enough words for her accent to be evident. She had deduced from the ditzy cashier's tale and the numerous tabloids that Sirius was somehow being referred to as "Rufus Scrimgeour" and that Lummy was "Narcissa Avery". But it seemed rather absurd that they would have gotten all these pictures in England – unless….

"Miss, where do Rufus and Miss Avery, reside?"

"In England, I 'spect, but they're on tour now."

"Tour?"

"Honestly, girl, where _have_ you been? Mr. Scrimgeour did this autograph session at this hotel the other day – my friend Larissa Adams got one – _so_ jealous – here's the flyer."

The girl had fished out a very wrinkled blue paper from her pocket.

"Come one, come all – calling all fans of the exalted Rufus Scrimgeour, star of the TV Show, _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_. Autograph will commence at 5 p.m. in the Cardinal Ballroom, of the Beverly Hills Hotel, the temporary residence of the star." The flyer ended with the address, and a date from two days ago. Lily had a thought – she needed to find her friends –

"Could I, er, keep this?"

"Actually, they're really rare. You'll have to get your own."

"Could I just copy down the address?"

The cashier rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed, but nodded. Lily quickly scribbled down the address on one of her newly purchased tabloids –

"_9641 Sunset Boulevard, Beverly Hills, California, 90210_." The cashier snapped at Lily until she returned the crumpled paper,

"Do you really think he wants to see you, filthy redhead?"

Lily quickly ran from the convenience store and into her parents' room, and asked breathlessly,

"Could I please take a cab over to the Beverly Hills Hotel, it's urgent."

"But darling, we just got here."

"I'll be back in a flash – just – could I borrow some money for cab fare?"

"Alright, darling, just call us if anything happens."

She raced out of the hotel, hailed a cab, and pushed the address in the cab driver's face. His face contorted into a sneer –

"Keep your papers to yourself, miss – d'you think I don't know where _the_ Beverly Hills Hotel is?"

They soon arrived at the pink and green behemoth, and Lily hastily paid the drive. She trounced into the lobby, and enquired as to where Jimsie Potts was staying. The lady at the front desk gave her a once over and looked at her with a frown.

"As though one of our most exalted guests would have anything to do with _you_."

"Just give him and ring and tell him Lily Evans is looking for him."

The lady looked at her piteously, as though this demand would not accomplish anything, but amazingly, she obliged.

"Hello?"

"There's a Miss Lily Evans looking for you."

Lily heard whoops of merriment issuing from the phone. She waited for the front desk attendant's response –

"I expect that means he wants to see you. He is residing in the Presidential Suite."

James Potter was more excited than he had been in days – Lily Evans – _his_ Lily Evans, was coming to see him in mere seconds. He brushed his hair nervously, and as he heard the knock on the door – he nearly tripped over the sofa in his enthusiasm. Lily was standing there with a huge pile of tabloids in her hands.

"_What_, pray tell, is the meaning of _this_, James Potter?"

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That's right, Lils, put James in his place! And Review, because we love it!


	20. A Practice and A Surprise

**Chapter Twenty: A Practice and a Surprise**

James was staggered by how annoyed Lily was. He had thought that she had reached her pinnacle of wrath sometime during fifth year (against him, of course), but it appeared that he was mistaken. Lily was standing at the door to the Presidential suite, grasping the tabloids viciously, and looking at James with a look that was a mixture of disappointment, amusement, and supreme annoyance. If it were not aimed at him it would have been comical.

"Meaning?"

"_Why_ are all of my friends staying in a famous Muggle hotel in California? Why are our pictures splashed up on this … this, _piece of filth_?"

James hadn't noticed that all the tabloids were covered in pictures of them. It was quite amusing, really….

"Oh, is that me and you? From when we went to see that Kelpie, remember?"

"Why does everyone have different names? And what's all this rubbish about Sirius throwing furniture out the window? The article said that one girl became a millionaire overnight selling the lot."

"Er…well, we signed Sirius up for a movie."

Lily appeared surprised – this in itself did not seem to be a cause for concern –

"And?"

"He _hates _the movie."

"But it hasn't been made."

"It's _exactly _the sort of thing that Sirius would _despise_."

"No chicks, no tricks, no looks?"

"Precisely. And he's stupid and homeless."

Lily sighed; this was worse than she had expected – even from James and Remus, two members of the dangerously confused quartet.

"Apologize to him; he's your best mate."

"But _Remus_ did it."

Lily counted the days of the month on her fingers, remembered the date of the full moon, and replied imperiously,

"You know perfectly well Remus can't apologize today."

"Can't it wait till he can?"

"Don't be a coward – the door's right there."

James couldn't bear being called a coward, especially by Lily – so he gathered up his remaining courage, and knocked on Sirius' door. He waited for about a minute, and then knocked again. Finally, the door flew open, and a ghastly sight faced him: Sirius was wearing the same Muggle outfit as he had worn yesterday, only it was spectacularly wrinkled. His left cheek sported an imprint of the furry barberry carpet that lined the floor. But his appearance was nothing compared to the room behind him. Every single thing had been removed, by magic it seemed, from the room, except for the rug itself. There was no bed, no desk, no chairs, no refrigerator, no sofa, and not even any pictures hanging from the walls. The shelves in the closet had been forcibly removed, as had the light fixtures. It would have been impressive if it hadn't been so frightening.

For a moment, James almost considered apologizing. But then he remembered that it was Saturday. He faced Sirius menacingly, and commanded,

"Quidditch practice in ten minutes. I want you on the pitch in seven to discuss tactics. Your wrist will let you know."

To others, including Lily, this particular command may have been relatively unintelligible, but to members of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, it was a way of life. Ever since James had become Quidditch captain this year, he had instituted a strict regimen of practices. Each team member wore a wrist band that burned when they were to arrive at Quidditch practice, often leaving a scar at the wrist. It did not matter where you were in the world, or what you were doing, when there was Quidditch practice, it was required that you came.

Sirius was somewhat annoyed, but understood perfectly. He had been Quidditch captain his sixth year, much to James' dismay. He had relinquished captaincy when he decided it was too much of a bother to schedule his own practices, and preferred to hold spontaneous ones. James seemed to have taken the opposite approach – nearly always overscheduling.

"Hi Lily," said Sirius, weakly, surprised to see the red-haired girl in the suite.

"Feeling better?" she asked kindly.

"I'm alright. Is Lummy up yet?" Sirius asked hopefully – he had been a bit tetchy when she had knocked the night before.

"She's not – but I'll send her over to watch you all practice when she gets up," replied Lily, helpfully, smiling at Sirius' impatience.

Within ten minutes, the Gryffindor Quidditch team was gathered in a secluded clearing somewhere in California. Even Sirius was not quite sure where it was. It seemed that the rest of the team was still sleeping when they had been summoned by James. In fact, Sirius was unsure how they had arrived here at all, considering that not all of them were allowed to Apparate, or even use magic. Lucy Phelps, the fourth year seeker, looked as though she was still dressed in her pajamas. Paul Cootes, the other Gryffindor beater, a fifth year, was clad in what Sirius suspected was _only_ a robe, but he truly hoped otherwise. Amy Moran, the truly spectacular third year chaser, looked so tired that Sirius was afraid that she would fall from her broom any moment now. Thomas Bradley, another fifth year, and the keeper that Sirius had discovered last year during tryouts, seemed to have forgotten the difference between his shirt and his pants, for they appeared to have flipped. Andrew Robbins was the last on their team, a sixth year who Sirius seemed to know very little about, other than the fact that he had appeared at practice wearing Muggle clothing.

James was having them practice the Sloth Grip Roll, a move that Sirius had taught the team the year before. As a result, Sirius was merely lounging on his broom, waiting for Lummy to appear in the field below. It was all in all a pretty good practice, considering that half the team was dead. James, however, looked disgruntled.

"I thought Moran wasn't playing up to speed."

"She made more goals than _all_ of the other chasers, including _you_, James!"

"She was closer."

"James, she's the best Quidditch player I've _ever_ seen, and this is her second year on the team! Cut her some slack, she was jet-lagged."

Personally, Sirius thought that James was jealous of little Amy, but he knew better than to bring it up, so they Apparated back to the hotel.

Lummy had just woken up, and she saw that Sirius had just returned from Quidditch practice. He looked properly sweaty, but oddly attractive, with his slightly long black hair slightly plastered to his head; his cheeks flushed red, and his deep blue eyes glittering with amusement. His mouth was curved into a pleasant half-smile, his muscular physique just visible beneath his Quidditch robes. Lummy hid a smirk when she saw that he had outgrown his robes – his ankles were peaking out underneath.

Sirius hadn't quite noticed Lummy yet – but when he did, his mouth became a full smile, and he was beaming. Lummy was disheveled, her silly pink plaid pajamas wrinkled from sleeping. She, like the members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, was suffering from jet lag.

"Hey Sirius," Lummy said, shyly.

"Hey gorgeous, I've got Amelia, if you want her."

"I _knew _you were interested in some other girl – that's what the tabloid said," complained Lummy, mockingly.

"Well, according to this tabloid," (Sirius checked it to make sure) "You are dating Jamsie here, a guy named Paul," (_Philip_, Lummy teased gently), "…and…me!"

"At least you made the list," replied Lummy.

Lily and James threw each other a look that implied their amusement with Sirius and Lummy's antics. However, before anything decisive could occur, there was a knock on the door. Lily went over and obligingly opened it. Imagine her surprise when there were two burly American police officers standing in the doorway, looking positively frightening.

"We're looking for Rufus Scrimgeour."

Sirius covered a groan, and replied,

"That would be me."

"Very well then, you are under arrest by the State of California on the following counts: Destruction of public property, destruction of a historical landmark, creating a public spectacle in a commercial area, and one count of second degree murder. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you at no cost. During any questioning, you may decide at any time to exercise these rights, not answer any questions or make any statements. Do you understand these instructions, Mr. Scrimgeour?"

"Er, yes…murder?" asked Sirius, astounded.

The policemen did not appear to want to ask any other questions, for they wasted no time in handcuffing Sirius, and began to drag him out of the suite. Without a moment's warning, Lummy began running after the officers, shouting –

"He can't go alone! I'll go with him."

Unfortunately, Lummy was not permitted to go with Sirius into custody. Lily and James were very confused, but it was Lily who came to her senses first.

"Lily, what _are_ we going to do? He's going to _die_ there in jail, and we can't do a thing," lamented James, wringing his hands.

"We're going to get him a proper attorney, and he'll get off. And get tons of free publicity in the process."

"How can you say that at a time like this? Besides, who'll be his attorney?"

"That would be me."

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Yay for Lily Evans! Now, be a doll and review, love?


	21. A Trial

**Chapter Twenty-one: A Trial**

Lily Evans had a good many advantages that were not available to the average attorney. She had magic, and more importantly, the defendant had magic. But magical techniques aside, very few lawyers had the luck to defend one of the hottest actors in the Muggle world. Not only was _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_ being aired worldwide, but the mass eBay sale had added to the publicity a great deal. In fact, most fans were incensed that the State of California had the _audacity_ to take the striking Rufus Scrimgeour to trial. Lily found it odd, considering that there had been many attractive actors and actresses who had been arrested for various violations – but the law enforcement had never received the criticism it was receiving now.

It was a good thing that Lily Evans was a very hardworking witch, because otherwise she would not have understood the _voir dire_ process. She and the attorney for the prosecution would be allowed strikes each from the pool of forty possible jurors. Looking through the list of possibilities, Lily had a very good idea about what the first question she would ask her prospects.

"Do you watch the show _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_?"

"Yes, Rufus Scrimgeour is the cutest one I know!"

"Yes, dear Rufus is _such_ a good role model for my sons."

"Yes, he and that Narcissa…such _chemistry_."

"No, television is the spawn of Satan."

Lily raised an eyebrow at the last woman, and moved her hand to strike number thirty-six. She had realized that she would eventually have to include _some_ men in the jury. Perhaps those who had a taste for blondes, thought Lily wickedly.

"Do you believe Rufus Scrimgeour is guilty?"

"Of course not."

"Never, he is a saint."

"…a pinnacle of male morality…"

"He has a bit of a mischievous look about him, but then again, so do I," laughed an elderly gentleman, who was looking at Lily in a very grandfatherly way.

"No one _that_ funny could be bad."

"He's such a gentleman."

"…gorgeous…."

"He is a traitor to the human race to preach such anti-Christian beliefs."

An evangelist, mused Lily, and struck number twenty-five.

It was not long until both Lily and the Attorney for the State of California were pleased with their jury selection. Lily was happy to note that they were all relatively young, except for the friendly old man who Lily had selected herself. Furthermore, the majority of them were women, another plus. In fact, the only juror who gave her some cause for concern was the dark-haired man, who would never fall for Sirius…but perhaps, he would fall for another member of the cast.

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"All rise for the Honorable Judge Feinberg."

The date set was meant to be the preliminary bail hearing, but Lily knew that they would have to head back to school soon, and had petitioned the court to move up the actual date. This meant that less evidence was shared between the two parties, but then again, Lily doubted that the other attorney would take _her_ evidence anyway. The courtroom was packed nevertheless, as it was a public trial. A dozen teenage girls who Lily suspected had never been _near_ a courtroom before were congregated near the defendant's side; one had even brought an autograph notebook.

Sirius had strided in a mere five minutes before, his handsome appearance drawing cheers from the audience. Lily found it amazing that he could maintain himself so well in jail. But then again, not every murderer was a wizard. James, Remus, Harold, Lummy, and Gerald were gathered directly behind the defendant's post, since they were likely to be called up to testify as witnesses. James in particular, looked very pale, but it was only to be expected since his girlfriend and his best friend were being judged by the court. The judge was looking at the prosecution expectantly for the opening remarks.

"Rufus Scrimgeour has demonstrated callousness unusual for one of his age. He has _used_ the public's adoration to curry favors that he does not deserve, and has wreaked havoc on a neighborhood. The Beverly Hills Hotel, ladies and gentlemen, is a historical wonder where stars from Marilyn Monroe to Paris Hilton have resided, and _not one_ of them has treated it with the disregard that Mr. Scrimgeour has shown. He seeks to show that celebrities consider themselves above the law – something that we in California, _will not tolerate_. Perhaps it is done differently across the pond, but…."

And so Attorney Jones continued, speaking of patriotism, honor, and a myriad of other things that were relatively unrelated to the trial, thought Lily. Ten minutes had elapsed before Jones finally sat down, whereupon one of Sirius' admirers clapped in relief, allowing titters from the back of the courtroom.

"Knock 'em dead, Evans," whispered James as she stood up to walk to the podium.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, honorable Judge Feinberg, the man you see in front of you is not a murderer. He is not even a common criminal. He is barely seventeen years old, and it is because of his celebrity status that he has been accused of these crimes. In fact, even if he were not famous, he has become a man far greater than his history would have expected him to be. Rufus Scrimgeour's childhood in the harsh underworld of London would have made even _you_ shiver, Mister Jones. But instead of wallowing in self pity, he became the best actor any man could be, and one of the best friends someone could ever know…."

Lily went on, adding subtle references to the _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_, periodically. By the end of the ten minutes of opening, half of the jury members were in tears, and nearly all of the audience, weeping for Sirius' lost childhood. She had it in the _bag_, that is, until the prosecution did the very worst thing possible.

"The prosecution would like to call Miss Harold Delaware to the stand, friend of the defendant."

Lily nearly gasped. Harold hadn't been prepared as a witness – who knew what she would say. She turned around frantically, but everyone was looking as upset as she…except for Gerald.

"Do you Harold Delaware agree to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?"

"I do."

"How long have you known Rufus Scrimgeour?"

Lily winced; Harold probably didn't even know that Rufus Scrimgeour was what the Muggles called Sirius. Her perfectly crafted case was going to be shot to pieces. Harold opened her mouth, but her close friends recognized that it wasn't Harold's voice that was speaking, it was Gerald's. It was a high-pitched form of Gerald's tone, but it was unmistakably Gerald, for those who had heard him speak, that is.

"I have known him since my cousin began to star on the show with him."

"Which show is this?"

"_Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_."

"Has Rufus Scrimgeour ever caused you some sort of harm? Perhaps a joke or a prank?"

"No, he has always been the perfect gentleman."

"Doesn't he have a tendency to overreact?"

"No, he does not."

"Isn't it true that he demolished an entire hotel room worth of furniture."

"No, it is not."

"Where did the furniture from his bedroom go?"

"It was thrown to the bottom of the Beverly Hills Hotel."

"Was he not the person who threw it?"

"No he was not."

"Are you aware that lying under oath is a crime known as perjury?"  
"I am well aware."

"Would you like to reconsider your statements?"

"No, I would not."

"Are you sure?"

Lily stood up and spoke clearly to the judge –

"Objection, your honor, this question has been asked and answered."

"Objection sustained. Next question, Mister Jones."

"That is the end of this line of questions, your honor."

Lily turned around to Gerald, and mouthed,

"That was _brilliant_." Harold, on the other hand, looked almost as confused as she had that day in first grade, when her name was first altered from Pearly Puff to Harold. Lily went up to the stand to present her own line of questions to Harold (really Gerald).

"What is the sweetest thing that Rufus has ever done for your sis – er – cousin?"

"He gave her sixteen and a half long-stemmed roses for her half birthday."

At this, half the room of girls began to flutter their eyelashes and fan themselves.

"In your opinion, what is Rufus Scrimgeour's greatest goal?"

"World Peace." (A la Miss Congeniality)

Here, the more elderly women in the room beamed upon Sirius, who took the opportunity to flash a dazzling smile at the jury.

"That is the end of this line of questions, your honor."

"You may be seated, Miss Delaware."

The judge peered over her spectacles at the prosecution, clearly warming up towards the defendant, and remarked sharply,

"Your next witness, Mister Jones?"

"The prosecution would like to call Elizabeth Dalton to the stand."

Once again, Lily was confused. Who was Elizabeth Dalton? Sirius, however, recognized her immediately. It was the girl who had gotten thousands of dollars of plastic surgery to resemble Lummy. A waft of air passed the members of the front row, but the Judge simply passed it off as a draft. In the meantime, Elizabeth took the oath, looking more bewildered than she had a moment before.

"How are _you_ acquainted with Rufus Scrimgeour?"

"Me?"

"Well, we are asking you questions."

"Umm…I _wish_ I knew him."

"Don't you?"

"I want his autograph. He is gorgeous." The attorney for the prosecution looked quite upset himself – his star witness was flaking out. The female members of the room nodded their heads knowingly, sighing in Sirius' direction.

"Excuse me, Miss Dalton; I was under the impression that you _knew_ Mr. Scrimgeour."

"I _wish_."

"Do you or do you not know Mr. Scrimgeour?"

"Objection, your honor, badgering the witness."

"Objection sustained. Next questions please, Mister Jones." Attorney Jones looked even more disarrayed and was muttering something along the lines of "_blatant favoritism_".

"What do you think of him?"

"He is absolutely stunning. His personality – his charm…"

"Your honor, this is the end of this line of questions."

"Miss Dalton, what is most attractive to you about Mr. Scrimgeour? Not physically, my dear," asked Lily, in the most patronizing tone she could muster.

"Just…he's so…honest. You can see it his eyes, like pure truth is falling from them."

Lily snorted inaudibly – Gerald couldn't have fed her better answers than she was spouting right now – truth falling from his _eyes_?

"Would you like an autograph, sweetie?"

"Oh…could I?" answered Elizabeth Dalton breathlessly.

"But of course – Sir- Rufus Scrimgeour is very generous with his autographs."

"Oh, thank you so _much_."

"That is the end of this line of questions, your honor."

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Gerald Afbetoqui, the ventriloquist's son, begs you to review regarding his brilliant imitation of Harold's lilting tones.


	22. Black Hair, Blue Eyes

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Black Hair, Blue Eyes – an _Inocente _Combination**

The attorney for the prosecution looked as though he was at the end of his rope. Not that Lily blamed him – it was difficult to vie with a memory modifier and a ventriloquist. However, there was no way Sirius Black was going to Muggle jail on _her_ watch, even if he could escape immediately. The second day of deliberations had begun with a bang when seven different news stations (and less than news stations) had congregated around Sirius to ask him his thoughts about the trial.

"Aren't you annoyed with the police by the fact that you were _arrested_?"

Sirius looked sheepish, but elegant and haughty all at once, and stared the reporter straight in the eye –

"Annoyed? No madam, I am ashamed. It is true I am perfectly innocent – but that I should give cause to the State of California – to _arrest_ me? It is my fault and mine alone."

_Lily_ very nearly sighed at that last remark, remembering that she was dating James just in time. Only Sirius could pull that off without the slightest pinch to his conscience – and yet appear as though he were the most moral man alive.

"And you, Miss Evans, how did _you_ come upon this position as Mr. Scrimgeour's attorney?"

"I'm a family friend – actually, I'm dating his agent, er – _Jimsie_ Potts."

"I believe a picture is in order, then."

A flurry of flashbulbs went off as Lily and James were photographed, looking admirably shy and photogenic.

"Miss Avery, a word?"

"Yes," spoke Lummy, skeptically, her previous experience with reporters was less than memorable.

"What do you think of Mr. Scrimgeour's situation? Did he bring this upon himself, or is this another example of bumbling authorities?"

"Mr. Scrimgeour is innocent, but I will not blame the authorities. It is merely one of the many snarls of our imperfect law enforcement system – a whim of human error if you will."

Lily very nearly whipped around at this statement – was this the prank-playing, Sirius-dating, somewhat goofy Luhrmalleen Delaware from Hogwarts? Lummy played Narcissa Avery to the tee, her glittering green eyes glancing at Sirius' direction, barely giving away the fact that she too found it a most interesting game. Sirius, on the other hand, was staring wonderingly in Lummy's direction with a look of unmitigated lovestruckness. If Lummy was Sirius' match in looks, books, and tricks, she was now certainly his match in shtick. After the formalities of court had elapsed, the attorney for the prosecution was standing once more.

"The prosecution has exhausted its witnesses."

"Miss Evans?"

"The defense would like to call the defendant, Rufus Scrimgeour to the stand."

Sirius did something that no one had really seen outside of films such as _Jerry Maguire _– he strutted up to the box, almost as if he were a model walking the runways, but without any feminine movements. He exuded charm through his very clothes – Lily could have sworn that the judge herself involuntarily fixed her hair when Sirius strode past her. He was wearing a crisp blue shirt, matching his sapphire eyes, and a well-cut pair of black trousers. His hair was combed slightly to one side – the smallest whisp of hair falling into his face before he flipped it out of sight. Lily was sure that he could win the case on his own, especially with such an accommodating jury.

"Mr. Scrimgeour, describe, in your own words, what happened that night."

"I had just heard about this movie that my agents – Mr. Potts and Mr. Lycan had contracted me for," stated Sirius, slowly and deliberately, giving the tiniest of glances to the jury. His grimace was even more fleeting, but James caught it and groaned.

"I decided to spend the rest of the evening in my room – lounging and so forth. After all, the love," (on love, Sirius gave a radiant smile to the jury), "of my life," (Sirius flashed the same smile at the Judge), "Miss Narcissa Avery was still en route from Delaware." He ran his hands through his hair unnecessarily.

"All of a sudden, there was a deafening knock on the door. I realized then that Misters Potts and Lycan were asleep, and could not be bothered with the door. But I had not felt so afraid since I was a child," whispered Sirius, his voice nearly cracking on the word afraid.

"However, I have taught myself to be unafraid. I opened the door – and the men poured in – in black masks. I believe there were three. I thought they were going to kill me – hurt my friends, but they only wanted wealth. I travel very lightly – the only thing of value was the furniture that belonged to the hotel. I tried to stop them – oh – I _tried_," continued Sirius, pausing dramatically to look plaintively at the jurors.

"But it was one against three – and they were armed. They tied me up, and took the furniture," ended Sirius, and then he did something very unexpected and rather intelligent. He rolled up the sleeve of one arm, and on his wrist was a rough but deep scar, almost as if someone has really tied very tight ropes around it. The silence around the courtroom was almost frightening, for although the jury had just _heard_ of what had happened, the visual evidence was far more compelling.

"_Bloody_ brilliant," whispered James to Lily in front of him, and she had to agree. All nine women in the jury were shedding tears unabashedly; one girl had even wrung out her handkerchief once.

"Where _is_ that scar from?"

It was James' turn to laugh – he knew precisely where it was from, and was slightly ashamed to have helped cause its existence, but he kept mysteriously quiet (1). Lily began to speak once the sobbing had subsided,

"To give the jury an idea of what type of person you are outside of your acting persona, would you be so kind as to recount a story from your school years?"

"Objection, question is irrelevant," piped up Attorney Jones.

"Defense, how do you respond?"

"It pertains to the moral make-up of the defendant, and is therefore relevant to the outcome of this case, your honor."

"Objection overruled."

Sirius took another deep breath, and launched into the tale of one of his more interesting pranks – not mean, and not particularly magical, but a immature, second year prank. It brought laughter to the courtroom, and Lily thought she saw the elderly man in the jury box wink at Sirius. Even the dark haired man was starting to warm up, as he was now sporting a friendly smile.

"This line of questions had ended your honor." Mister Jones stood up with extra flourish, perhaps in a weak effort to vie with the charm of Sirius Black. He gave a glance of pure venom in Lily's direction, and began,

"Did you or did you not frighten Miss Elizabeth Dalton?"

"Sir, I have never met Elizabeth Dalton before – she did seem particularly eager to meet me, so I do not believe she was frightened," retorted Sirius, adopting the quick snap-backs that he often used with McGonagall.

"Was she not at the autograph session?"

"I do not believe so – there have been _so_ many, after all. Besides, I cannot remember each and every one of my fans, as important as they are to me."

"Did you or did you not throw all of your furniture out the window of the Beverly Hills Hotel in a fit of rage?"

"I do _hope_ not."

"Answer the question, Mr. Scrimgeour."

"I do not believe so – you flatter me Mr. Jones," (Sirius looked directly at the two younger males in the jury), "Not even the fine fellows in the jury box over there could have lifted a Louis XIV desk unaided."

"That will be all."

"You may be seated Mr. Scrimgeour."

"Thank you, _Miss_ Feinberg." The judge blushed, but replied snappily,

"That is Judge Feinberg, please."

"The defense would like to call Miss Narcissa Avery to the stand."

Perhaps Sirius was the king of pandering to the crowd, but Remus was not mistaken when he called Luhrmalleen Delaware an actress. Her long blonde hair swept past her eyes, flowing open like a sea of spun gold (as Sirius adoringly referred to it). Her piercing green eyes stared straight at the neglected male jurors as she flashed a goofy, but flirtatious grin in their direction. She took the oath, but Lily was certain that the dark-haired juror felt that she was taking an oath to _him_, rather than to the court.

"Miss Avery, how have you come to know the defendant."

"Well, Siri-Rufus Scrimgeour and I have known each other for some time before our acting careers merged. He's helped me get on track with some things in my life, but I never knew how wonderful he was until we were on the show together."

Lummy's green eyes sparkled, and Lily thought she heard one elderly woman sigh "_Young love_." The questioning continued much as it had done previously, and Lily felt that her case was now cemented. When Mr. Jones was called upon to give his closing, Lily knew that the facts were against him – especially after the housekeeping of the Beverly Hills Hotel testified that the window in Sirius' bedroom had not even been _opened_ the day that all the furniture had been dropped. When it was Lily's turn to give _her_ closing, she did something that entranced and scared James very much. She took down her silky auburn hair from its severe bun, glanced with her own _startlingly_ green eyes, and gave the speech of a lifetime.

By the time she had finished, the courtroom was in tears. But as soon as the judge gave permission for the jurors to move into deliberation, James jumped up from his seat, and kissed Lily as if there was no tomorrow.

"Lils…"

"Yes? James was that…"

"Lily Evans, it was perfect. Every syllable, every word, every sentence, stunning. But as wonderful as that speech was – oh, and was it _wonderful_, it cannot compare."

"Compare to what, James?" But James was no longer at eye level – he had slid down to his knees.

"It cannot compare to the perfection that is you, my dear. Marry me?"

"_Marry you_?"

"Yes, Marry me."

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Well, that was abrupt, but sweet. Review, and you shall be invited to wedding.

(1) The scar was from the Quidditch wrist band that burns when James wants a practice


	23. The Coming Attractions

**Chapter Twenty-Three: The Coming Attractions**

Once Sirius was officially cleared, the Marauders plus four returned to Hogwarts. They were the same as they had been a week before, but older, more mature. Even Sirius had a habit of looking dreamily at Lummy before reverting back to his cocky self. It was lunch again, and Sirius was looking at Snape stride across the Great Hall. The nasty git had turned on the billowing charm again. Sirius snorted, and continued scarfing down his roast leg of lamb.

Remus had finally come to terms with the fact that Sirius _refused_ to star in "Peter's Struggle," as the movie was now titled. It was true that Remus really couldn't blame him. However, it did leave Remus in a bit of a pickle, considering he had promised the studio executives that the film would be ready for release by November. Ah, it was back to the old standby, Magical Photoshop.

In the middle of lunch, Sirius noticed that James and Lily were oddly silent about something. It was then that he saw the glittering ring on Lily's finger, a sparkling diamond on her smooth white skin. He leaned over, and whispered,

"But _James_, I thought you were going to marry _me_. What's a friendship without love, _Jimsie_?"

"Sirius, I'm going to surprise her with something, be quiet."

"Oh, the whole marriage thing was just a _precursor_ to something _much_ bigger. You know, because everyone gets married spontaneously when they're _seventeen_. It's just too commonplace. No, you'd better go do something more unique, like buy her flowers…"

"_Shut up_."

"Oh James, I meant that you were supremely dashing…now will you marry me instead of that wretched red-haired minx who _stole_ you from me? I thought you _loved_ boys, Jimsie."

"_Shut…UP…Sirius_."

The Great Hall became silent very suddenly, and a magical spotlight shone on James. Sirius smirked; the spotlight thing was really very overdone. But instead of James bursting into song, or something of the like, he spoke in a deep voice that was not his own,

"I have the great pleasure to introduce Mr. Remus Lupin, director extraordinaire, with his new piece, _Peter's Struggle_."

The screen was very impressive, as it hung from the top of the Great Hall in the place of the Hogwarts crest banner. The opening notes of the theme song began to play, a Muggle song that happened to be one of Sirius' favorites. If this was another ploy for him to star in this wretched film – it was not going to work.

"I noticed tonight that the world has been turning  
While I've been stuck here dithering around  
Though I know I said I'd wait around till you need me  
But I have to go, I hate to let you down  
But I can't stop now  
I've got troubles of my own  
Cause I'm short on time  
I'm lonely  
And I'm too tired to talk…" (1)

The screen panned onto a slum that Sirius recognized as the wizard town, _Spinner's End_. It was a most melancholy locale, but the man who stood in the center of the screen was an even more depressing vision. Sirius suspected that this was supposed to be him. With the use of Magical Photoshop, Remus had combined the faces of Peter, the _real_ Rufus Scrimgeour, and just a hint of Sirius himself, because the ugly man had rather nice hair. A voice that Sirius recognized as James' began to speak overhead,

"_It was the cold winter of sixty-four, when Peter Markov first became homeless. He did not mean for it to happen…he just stumbled upon it the way some stumble upon pennies or rocks. It is said that it was not his fault…._"

Lummy listened intently to the film, James' voice was oddly compelling. Remus was not wrong when he said that the story was very interesting. What puzzled her the most was that it was definitely Sirius saying those lines – but hadn't he refused to do the movie? She gave a little half-smirk that was very much like Gerald's, because what happened next was going to surprise everyone very much.

_A girl had walked onto the screen; she looked like Lummy, but with some deliberate mistakes. Her blonde hair was barely shoulder length, her eyes a mysterious purple instead of their dazzling green. She was out of place in the scene, her loveliness marring the disgusting backdrop. She looked at Peter Markov, trying to sell lemonade on the street corner, and whispered – _

_"I think I know you."_

All in all, the movie was making very little sense, thought Lily. Then again, that was probably because it was artsy. Lily never understood artsy films. She, almost to her chagrin, preferred action flicks, because there was no misunderstanding – a gunshot and they were done with it. Luckily, the movie had just ended. The girl who looked like Lummy had died in a tragic accident, and the main character was once again where he had started. James' voice came overhead once more,

"_It was the cold winter of seventy-one, when Peter Markov once again became homeless. He did not mean for this to happen…one could say he fell into it the way some fall in love. It is known that it was not his fault…._"

The closing credits began to roll, and Sirius knew what to expect when they did.

"Rufus Scrimgeour as Peter Markov." From somewhere at the Hufflepuff table, a nasal voice shrieked – _"I'm not in this film_" However, the characteristic reaction came when the credit came up a few seconds later –

"Narcissa Avery as Amelia Torres." A bone splitting shriek was issued from the Slytherin table from one Narcissa Black. She strode over; her eyes glowing like hot coals, her startlingly pale blonde hair sweeping behind her excruciatingly pale face,

"I am going to _kill_ you, Sirius Black."

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"That was _priceless_," remarked James, lounging into a chair in the Gryffindor common room.

"What I don't understand is why she wanted to kill _me_. It's not as though I was the cause of it."

"True…."

"It's like that time that Ashley Turpin actually came at me with a steak knife – and without _any _provocation."

"Didn't you hex her books?"

"Not really, the ink just kept running and running…."

"That was you, Sirius?" asked Lily, annoyed.

"Why?"

"All her skirts were _ruined_, the ink from our Ancient Runes book dripped _all over_ the classroom."

"So Sirius that _was your fault_."

"Well, what about the time that Isis Flaherty tried to drown me? _That_, my friends, was unprovoked."

"Didn't Lummy try to drown you?" smirked Remus.

"She was trying to wake me up!"

"Was I?" retorted Lummy. But she proved her own question wrong when she gave Sirius a quick peck on the cheek, allowing him a blush.

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When shall we meet the infamous Ashley Turpin? In her free time, Miss Turpin enjoys warm baths, hot chocolate, and writing reviews…


	24. Enter Rufus Scrimgeour

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Enter Rufus Scrimgeour? **

Lummy was in a bit of a fix. She didn't really know what she wanted to choose as a career path. She had gone through the meetings with McGonagall, but they wanted her to do something _noble_. Become an Auror, perhaps? Lummy really wanted to be a professional knife thrower. She would be spectacularly accurate, especially with her magical abilities, but apparently none of the teachers wanted their star student to become a _knife thrower_. Like a "common Muggle," they had said, belligerently. Her pretty blonde hair looked remarkably absurd, since she had chosen to wear it in some Muggle fashion that her "agents", Misters Potts and Lycan had deemed appropriate for the blossoming star, Miss Narcissa Avery. She thought she would pull a Sirius and throw all of her furniture out of the girls' dormitory window. Her deep green eyes sparkled, and she put on her flamenco dancer costume.

There was a costume party scheduled to mark the celebration of the ending of the Newt examinations. Professor McGonagall had considered this to be an appalling circumstance, since Hogwarts had never held anything as idiotic as a _costume party_ before, but Professor Dumbledore had found the idea enchanting, and that was that. However, Newts had not yet finished…nor even started, but Lummy was very proud of her outfit.

Sirius hated his life. No, that wasn't really true. He too had been subjected to the indignities of the career meeting with Professor McGonagall, and it had gone spectacularly badly. She told him to go "make something of himself" and a load of blather, but Sirius really wanted to be a traveling musician. Preferably in a circus. Not that he really needed a career, he thought bitterly, since he was already a world famous Muggle actor. His elegant black hair fell into his eyes, and he brushed it away, resembling the tortured artist that everyone wanted him to be.

There was a knock on the door to the Great Hall. This was somewhat odd, thought Dumbledore; no one had the _audacity_ to knock on the Hogwarts door. Firstly, they had a very fine doorbell that rang all around the castle, and secondly, no one really used that door. However, Dumbledore strode confidently over to the entryway and moved to open the door. He thought for a moment that he should send the remaining students to their common room, for something strangely like fear prickled the back of his neck. Who _was_ at the door? Voldemort, perhaps? A reincarnation of Grindelwald? Sirius' mother? Dumbledore opened the door slowly, and it revealed the trespassers of Hogwarts sacred grounds.

There were about twelve girls standing there. One, perhaps, could not be properly called a girl. She was about twenty-five years old, but she seemed to have aged past her years. If a lesser man than Dumbledore were to describe her, he would have said that she was fantastically ugly. The rest, however, were pinnacles of feminine perfection. Dressed to the nines and healthily tanned, their Muggle clothes tailored to fit their forms in the most flattering fashion imaginable. One girl with curly brown hair went up to Professor Dumbledore and stared at him expectantly.

"Yes?"

"Hi, I'm Angela Slattery, and I want to meet Rufus Scrimgeour."

"Did you?"

"Yes. Could my friends and I wait here for him?"

"_Rufus Scrimgeour_?"

Now, Dumbledore was not usually involved in students' affairs, especially their social ones, but he seemed to know that if there was _any_ particular male student that a group of pretty Muggle girls would want to meet, it would _not_ be Rufus Scrimgeour. The older woman spoke up after Angela Slattery had finished her request –

"He's my cousin, Professor Dumbledore sir."

"Alright then, I shall get him _immediately_. Please, make yourselves at home."

Professor Dumbledore put an illusion on the house elves that came to deliver some appetizers for the girls so that they appeared to be waiters and waitresses as he went to call Rufus Scrimgeour to his office.

Rufus Scrimgeour was a late-riser. He had been annoyed when his name had been mentioned in that ridiculous film yesterday, but he had enjoyed the attention that it gave him. The girls had called him a _nerd_ yesterday, but now that the Marauders had mentioned his name, they looked past his "Ugly Hufflepuff" persona. Oh, if only he were Sirius Black.

An irritated looking prefect came to knock on Rufus Scrimgeour's door.

"Yes?"

"Professor Dumbledore wants to see you, pronto."

"Where?"

"Office. Password's _Drooble's_"

Rufus trudged up the stairs to Dumbledore's office, a room that seemed to be continuously moving. Perhaps it was to discuss his spectacular grades and his ambition to become an Auror. He straightened his robes hastily, and muttered "Drooble's" to the angry gargoyle. The doorway opened to reveal the familiar stair, and Rufus stood on it as it turned to reveal the smiling face of Dumbledore himself.

"Well, well, Rufus, it seems that you have found yourself some admirers."

"Sorry?"

"And your cousin, Lydia, is here to see you."

"Lyd is here? I thought she lived in California. Where is she?"

"Too many questions, my dear Mr. Scrimgeour. Please follow me."

Angela and her giggling friends were thanking Lydia Andrews profusely as they waited in the Great Hall. A girl with a black bob smiled intensely as she discussed her plan to snare the stunning movie-star for herself. Dumbledore strode in, Rufus Scrimgeour hurrying to keep up with his long strides. When he saw the girls who accompanied his cousin, he tried to straighten his robes and his hair.

"Ladies, this is Rufus Scrimgeour, as promised." Angela Slattery was the first to recover from her shock.

"Professor Dumbledore, that is _not_ Rufus Scrimgeour. Rufus Scrimgeour is a total hottie, and he is a total _nottie_." The rhyme may have rendered Miss Slattery with a few shorter IQ points, but one could not deny that her logic was faultless. Lydia Andrews piped up,

"But that's definitely my cousin, Rufus." The two began to talk animatedly as Dumbledore faced the disappointed Muggles.

"Perhaps, Miss Slattery, you could give me some sort of description of the Rufus Scrimgeour you ladies are searching for?"

"I've got better, here's a magazine clipping…I keep it with me _always_," offered the girl with the black bob.

"Thank you, Miss…er…?"

"Gables."

The face in the picture was that of the unmistakably handsome, Sirius Black. Dumbledore frowned, and decided to head up to Gryffindor tower himself.

Lummy and Sirius were re-enacting a Muggle play, Hamlet, with the aid of the other Marauders, Lily, Harold, and Gerald. Sirius, who _had_ to be the lead, and was aching to die, and brandishing a rapier as though he had been a Musketeer in his previous birth. James had the sorry part of playing the traitorous king who had murdered his brother and married his brother's wife, and Remus was enjoying the part of the doomed Laertes to his heart's content. Lummy, granted, was not nearly pale enough to play the depressed Ophelia, nor was Gerald old enough to merit the role of Polonius, but this had not daunted them thus far. Harold had the dubious pleasure of playing _all_ other parts, and would have had the aid of Peter had he not been too _stupid_ to memorize the lines.

Sirius was clad in a full prince's dress, his haughty Black heritage showing off in a most agreeable fashion. He had just launched into the famous tirade –

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles…."

He was interrupted by Lily's lamenting –

"I do _detest_ playing Queen Gertrude. She's abominable."

"At least she dies."

"_Everyone_ dies in this play."

"True. But she gets poisoned." Sirius threw down his princely cloak and rapier, and slumped down onto the sofa.

"Why do we do this? We should be studying for Newts."

"Sirius, did you say _studying_?"

"My bleeding heart, it cannot take the shock…."

"I do like this costume very much," observed Sirius, "Perhaps I shall wear it to that costume thing that Dumbledore seems so fond of. And I shall surprise my little flamenco dancer."

Lummy blushed admirably, her artificially pale Ophelia-skin turning reddish when Sirius kissed her softly. She was still not well acquainted with public affection, even when it was particularly gentle, and she retaliated by conjuring up a vat of Milbern's finest and drenching the fabulous Mr. Black. Dumbledore chose this particularly opportune moment to stride into the Gryffindor common room.

"Mr. Black?"

"Fire when ready, professor."

"Does the name Rufus Scrimgeour sound familiar?"

"It _is_ mein …_alter ego_."

"In that case, Mr. Black, you have some visitors." Dumbledore gave a slight bow, and held out an arm as if to escort the still-dripping Sirius to the Great Hall.

"Could I at least…?"  
"No time, I'm afraid. We are not used to harboring Muggles at Hogwarts."

"_Muggles_? But, I thought there were repelling charms…."

"Not if they are accompanied by a particularly talented witch."

"_Witch_?"

"By the name of Lydia Andrews, cousin of the _Real_ Rufus Scrimgeour."

Sirius gave a low whistle. Lydia Andrews, or _Head Girl_ Andrews as he had come to remember her, had been a particularly talented Hufflepuff. She was also notoriously antisocial, and had gone to live in California after her graduation (his first year), speaking only with those she felt demanded her assistance. She probably had not noticed that a Muggle actor had adopted her cousin's name.

"Ah."

Sirius followed Dumbledore, attempting a half-hearted Scourgify several times before discovering that Miss Delaware's charm talents had been grossly underappreciated for far too long. Nevertheless, he looked astonishingly dashing, his plastered black hair giving his head an artistic appearance, his cape and doublet stained purple from battle. Two of the eleven waiting girls have a little gasp and fainted when he strode in. Angela Slattery was not one of them. She walked straight up to Sirius, and kissed him.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm Angela Slattery, and I'm gorgeous," she repeated in the same matter-of-fact tone she had used with Dumbledore. The devious headmaster used this opportunity to excuse himself from the Great Hall.

"Sorry? I'm Sir-Rufus Scrimgeour, and I'm taken." Although, Sirius was forced to admit that she _was_ gorgeous. It was a very different sort of beauty than Lummy's innocent loveliness, for Sirius had found that prankster that Luhrmalleen Delaware was, her perfect green eyes demonstrated pure naïveté. No, Angela Slattery was cruelly beautiful, somewhat like his demented cousin, Bellatrix, who had thankfully graduated some years prior. Angela Slattery was a girl who knew exactly what she wanted, and precisely what she had to do to get it. The eight remaining girls clustered around her would ask merely for autographs, but Angela Slattery would ask…no…demand more from him. He obligingly provided the aforementioned autographs, but could not remove himself from Angela's gaze.

Harold Delaware had wandered out of the Gryffindor common room, eager to stop the constant costume changes. Her waist-length blonde hair was not absurdly designed as Lummy's was, but her hazel eyes sported the same merriment. What she really wanted was a snack…perhaps the Great Hall? Had Gerald mentioned something about the kitchens? Harold continued walking until she reached the massive room that had given the premiere screening of _Peter's Struggle_. She was not prepared for what she found there.

Six girls screamed when they saw the pretty blonde girl walk in, but only four stood up to "greet her". Unfortunately, the Muggle fan girl version of a greeting fell more under the jurisdiction of "assault". Harold barely had the time to register that Sirius was sitting there with those same girls, drenched in Mulberry juice, being stared at by the girl with catlike black eyes. Aurelia Gables, the girl with the black bob began screaming,

"_Narcissa Avery_, I've always wanted to meet you! Oh, and by the way Rufie, I have a note to you from your _real_ lover," (shooting Angela a nasty look), "Elizabeth Dalton."

Harold was not particularly pleased with being called "Narcissa", but Sirius was giving her a pleading look, and so she played along. Sirius kept jerking his head toward the girl with cat-eyes, and drawing a finger across his throat. Harold, who was more perceptive than many gave her credit for, cleared her throat importantly.

"I heard that _some_ of you were trying to get my _boyfriend_. I could have you _arrested_ for that." Angela's face contorted into a vicious smile, if there was such a thing, and she replied,

"He's not your boyfriend. He's just a filthy man, and all such men are mine." Harold quirked an eyebrow, and answered venomously, he may not have been her man, but Lummy deserved better than to have to vie with such baseness,

"Is that so, beautiful?"

"Your beauty does not even compare to mine."

"Doesn't it, my dear?"

Before that moment, Sirius had not known that those terms of endearment could be maneuvered to create the worst insult. Harold was staring at Angela as though she was truly Sirius' girlfriend, and she strode up to Sirius, her eyes still boring holes into Angela's skull.

"_Kiss me_," she whispered.

"_I can't. Lummy…and Gerald…will kill me_."

"_Otherwise Miss Muggle Temptress will conquer thee_."

But Sirius was one better, for he suddenly threw his cape behind him, stared into Harold's eyes, and spoke –

"Are you fair?"

"Fair?"

"Yes, are you fair?"

"What means your lordship?" replied "Ophelia", when Harold finally recognized the situation.

"That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should, admit no discourse to your beauty."

"Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than with honesty?"

"Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner  
transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the  
force of honesty can translate beauty into his  
likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the  
time gives it proof. I did love you once."

"Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so."

Sirius was a better actor than anyone but Harold would have ever suspected, because the speech was delivered in a way that anyone would be convinced that Hamlet or no Hamlet, Sirius was truly enthralled by Harold's beauty. Only a twinkle in his eyes gave it away, as did his merriment when he shot Angela Slattery a malicious look, and asked,

"Proof enough, bloody Muggle?"

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Haha, something of an unnecessary obsession with Hamlet, loves. To review, or not to review?


	25. Laertes' Lover

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Laertes' Lover**

Sasha Tsukino (1), the lovely half-Japanese Ravenclaw peered with her striking grey eyes into the sky. Ancient Runes, as upset as she was to admit it to herself, was a bit of a pain. Sasha had adored Remus' film, even though everyone else said that it was something artsy and artificially deep that no one was meant to understand. Even she had admitted that Remus was probably making a load of cash out of it anyway, so it couldn't just be his artistic soul. But there was something sadly poignant about the story of a man who couldn't get out of his ways even when he tried, and just fell back into homelessness, time after time. She wrinkled her nose disgustedly – she was, as Harold Delaware would put it, "a sap".

Remus Lupin was very confident today, something that didn't happen as much as someone might have thought. He had just received another check from the executives at ABC, and he thought that Sasha Tsukino might have just smiled at him. Sirius was playing some horribly elaborate prank with Lummy, because James seemed to have reformed after dating Lily, much to Padfoot's dismay.

"I vote we get Snivelly," remarked Sirius, his mouth full of pancake.

"_Alice Finchley_," put in Lummy, a surprisingly devious grin on her face.

"You don't like her because she _loves_ me."

"Am I supposed to reply with 'Snape loves me, because I'm good at Potions'?"

"How _are_ you good at Potions? You fancy Slughorn, is that it? You're rubbish at Transfiguration."

"I am not _rubbish_ at it, and I certainly do not _fancy_ Slughorn. Besides, we're ties at Defense, and I _think_ that I'm better at Charms."

"I think we're ties at Charms. We're all tied up, love."

"Where does that put us, then?"

"Both," smirked Sirius, his arm making its way across Lummy's shoulder. She gave him a cocky half-smirk back, and whispered, "_I like the way you think, love_."

Remus thought that Sirius was too caught up in pranks and Lummy to notice, but Sirius soon came bounding up behind him like the lovable dog that he sometimes was. Sirius pulled his elegant black hair behind his ears, pursed up his lips, and somehow slanted his eyes, and stared at Remus, shrieking,

"Guess who I am?"

"An idiot?"

"No, Saaaaaaaaaaasha Tsukino! And I _love_ you!"

"Honestly, Sirius, grow up."

"No, _seriously_, she was checking you out for all of breakfast. It was appalling."

"Stop lying to me."

"Moony, she's pretty hot; I might just skive off my date with Lummy and…."

"You're not _that_ stupid. How are things with you and the youngest Delaware?"

"Fantabulous. We are celebrating our five month anniversary soon!"

Remus quirked an eyebrow at Sirius' highly uncharacteristic statement –

"You remember things like that now?"

"Certainly. Anyhow, are you fond of Tsukino?"

"I suppose…in a way…."

"You want to rip her clothes off?"

"So…._uncivilized_."

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Sirius had received all the information he required. Remus was _so_ easy to fool, sometimes. James and Lily hadn't been acting _respectable_; they were simply involved in this several step plan to be as visible. And Remus had swallowed it, hook-line-and sinker. Sirius was waiting in the Great Hall for the weekly meeting of the **Sirius Black fan club**. Sirius had once decided, back in his third year, that instead of having his fans simply taunt his current girlfriends and fawn upon him incessantly, it was far better to create a vast network for him to tap at will. It was said, although it may have been an urban myth, that a high office-holder in the SBFC would be able to get into almost any Ministry department upon graduation.

"Finchley, take roll."

"Very well, Mr. Black," said Alice Finchley, as she took role with extraordinary precision. She was the secretarial assistant, despite her long membership in the organization. Ashley Turpin was this year's president, since she was one of the more intelligent members, even though she had been rather annoyed with Sirius at one point. Hufflepuff Clarissa Waters was Vice-president, although she harbored another crush for Michael Jones, and various fifth and sixth years manned other important positions.

"Alright, today's itinerary consists of discussing possible internship positions over the summer, including cleaning Mr. Black's new apartment, but also a number of them at the Ministry. Also on the list is the new issue of hall protection – there have been a number of atrocious hexes being thrown around. Mr. Black, do you have something to add."

Sirius leaned back on the back two legs of his chair, his hair falling gracefully from his eyes, and drawled,

"Actually, Ashley, I do. And by code sixty-seven of the SBFC handbook, it takes precedence over the other items on your very admirable agenda. I want a complete background check done on Sasha Tsukino." Ashley smiled at his compliment, then became instantly businesslike –

"Frobisher, you want to handle that?"

"How about Quirke takes it – Tsukino is in her house."

"Very well, joint assignment. The usual, Sirius?"

"Hmm, past boyfriends, interests, house, family – _especially_ siblings, mealtimes, classes, grades. That should be enough for now."

"Quirke, get a roommate verification."

"How many days?"

"Sirius?"

"Two days, tops."

"But Ash, I can't get a roommate verification in under _two_ days! She's not in my year."

"Do we have a roommate?"

"Sarah Marsden may be a roommate."

"Why is she not present at this meeting? Finchley?"

"Hospital Wing. I have a note from Madam Pomfrey." Ashley frowned at this example of inefficiency. She turned back to Olivia Quirke, and commanded,

"Ok, I want you to do the primary background check. Find Marsden and get verification tomorrow. Frobisher, tail her. We will reconvene in two days. Dismissed." The majority of the club filed out, some of them ready to fulfill their tasks. Ashley stood and looked at Sirius quizzically.

"I thought you were with that Luhrmalleen now?"

"Jealous, Turpin?"

"Always, Black. But who is the BC for?"

"Remus."

Remus looked over at Sasha Tsukino during Ancient Runes. She was taking notes diligently, the exemplary student. It was very refreshing. Violet Frobisher was sitting behind her, taking notes as well. It must have been a trend…thought Remus, dreamily. But he remembered that Violet wasn't in Ancient Runes. And she _never_ took notes. Just then, Sasha looked over towards him, and gave him a wide smile…which made him forget what he was thinking about to begin with.

The SBFC reconvened, not a full meeting, only those who were required for the background check. Ashley Turpin was sitting at the head of the table, looking businesslike and efficient as usual. She was tapping her foot impatiently as they waited for Sarah Marsden and Olivia. The two ran in, almost breathless. Violet was called to give her report first –

"Schedule is fair to good; her NEWT classes are applicable for a number of careers, including Gringotts curse-breaker and Healer. Favorites are probably Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, a particular pet of Vector's. Two smiles to Remus Lupin on first day of tailing, one in Ancient Runes, and a second in Divination. Lupin appeared to return smiles. I would conjecture that she has a fair interest in Lupin, given her jittery behavior in his presence. Oh, and she takes _fantastic_ notes."

"Excellent, I have notes from the classes you missed. Frobisher, you are dismissed. Olivia?"

"Past boyfriends – not many. Mostly bookish types, one Quidditch player. Last boyfriend was almost one year ago, shall we say unrequited _love_? Interests – Ancient Runes, _of course_. I believe she is a Toyohashi Tengu fan, although she knows very little of Quidditch. She had a pet Kneazle, and has some sort of very scarring memory having to do with a Fwooper…" (To everyone's surprise, Sirius blushed), "Her favorite location for a date is the Astronomy tower, but she has some favor for next to the lake. Wizarding family, mother is Russian, father is Japanese. One older brother, graduated three years ago, name Alexei. Not known for beating up her boyfriends. Mealtimes are regular, grades are superb."

Everyone looked at Sarah for confirmation.

"Everything seems tip-top; she's a Ravenclaw prefect, of course. I agree that she is interested in Lupin." Sirius finally spoke –

"What's a good lure?"

"I would have to say that something about homework help would do it, she's a real sweetheart about that."

"Beautiful, ladies."

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Ah, there's Ashley now. "Now then, to review," – Turpin.

(1) This name means "Defender…of the moon," in a very literal sense. Sasha is a Russian nickname for those with the name Alexander or Alexandra – which means "defender" or helper", and Tsukino is a Japanese surname that means "Of the Moon".


	26. Costumed Innocence

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Costumed Innocence**

Note: There may be a chapter about NEWTs added later, but it seemed a rather mundane topic that can be covered in much more interesting terms. Basically, Sirius and James rock the Transfiguration exam…and so forth. Hence, for now, our heroes and heroines have the dubious pleasure of having already completed their exams.

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"They're over…school is _over_!" squealed Sirius in a very un-Sirius-like voice. He had thrown his fists into the air, like some sort of Muggle motion.

"School's not over, silly," retorted his girlfriend, her hands slowly bringing down his fists to their normal level. Sirius pretended to look astonished upon seeing Lummy, and remarked,

"My stars, I did not know thou couldst reach so high."

"Hamlet on the brain? I didn't know Shakespeare could be so dangerous."

"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, mein liebling."

"I didn't know you were into German."

"I'm not really, just bored."

"You seemed happy a moment ago," laughed Lummy, a smirk making a way onto her small face. They had just reached the portrait of the Fat Lady outside Gryffindor tower.

"How about we give a run on Amelia?" suggested Sirius, just as the annoyed Prefect walked by.

"_Dead Veela_," gave Lummy, as the password, "I don't know how you manage to say that every time that she walks by. She wouldn't hate you if she didn't think you were crazy."

"You're crazy for naming my broomstick Amelia." Lummy frowned, and then went up to the girls' dormitory somewhat absentmindedly. Right on cue, Remus bounded in, his hands full of Muggle photographic equipment.

"You were looking for me, Padfoot?"

"Ah yes. This wretched first year came up to me yesterday…"

"_Sirius_…"

"She was very upset about exams, you know, final exams. And she wants tutoring in Potions. I am not particularly talented with them, so I suggested you."

"Me? Why not Lummy or Lily…or someone who's better than me?"

"Hmm, maybe because I'd rather go on a date with Lummy than you, and Lily would just yell at me for not knowing anything. Nah, you were the best choice."

"Alright. What day?"

"Friday evening?" suggested Sirius mysteriously.

"Isn't that the day of that costume party?"

"Yes."

"Well…."

"Look, Moony, just help the tetchy girl in your costume, then bound off to the party. It'll be a cinch. It's not like you've asked anyone. Have you?" asked Sirius, unsure.

"No…alright, I suppose."

"Brilliant. Now, I must set up some invisible wires…and a barrel of caramel custard."

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Instead of going up to her room, Lummy had waited in the girls' dormitory entrance until she was sure that Remus had agreed to Sirius' plan. She then took her wand and a scraggly copy of "Ancient Runes made easy" that she had checked out from the library, and began walking down the hall. All of a sudden, she tripped over something, and landed in a clump at the foot of the stairs where the Ravenclaw prefects were monitoring something. She glanced up imperceptibly for a second to note the pretty Japanese girl, and flicked her wand to ensure that her book landed at the girl's feet. Then, Lummy, in a most believable fashion, began to cry.

"What's wrong? It's Luhrmalleen, right?"

"Oh, nothing – I've been having a dreadful time with Runes, and Sirius doesn't take it and no one will help me with it. And I can barely walk straight. Sirius hasn't even asked me to that costume party either, everyone told me not to trust him, and now _look_ at me…." Lummy lamented before bursting into a shower of tears once again. Sasha Tsukino looked at Lummy with her lovely grey eyes, and took her inside the Ravenclaw common room to clean her up.

"Don't cry sweetheart. Sirius is not a very nice boy at all," (Sasha was remembering an incident with a hag, a werewolf, and a fwooper), "And _I'll _help you with Ancient Runes, dear."

"Would you? I don't even know your name, and here I am having a nervous breakdown. Not even Harold is this kind to me…she spends all her time with that _Gerald_."

"I'm Sasha. Now, what day is good for you?"

"The only day is Friday evening. Oh, you have a date to that costume thing…everyone has a date but me…" started Lummy again, her eyes beginning to water once again. Sasha looked bewildered, especially if the blonde girl started crying again, so she quickly replied,

"No, no, I haven't got a date," (she flushed, thinking what would happen if Remus finally understood and just _asked_ her), "Friday evening is fine. Where?" Almost magically, Lummy's face widened into a grin, and she hastily said –

"Gryffindor common room, password's _Dead Veela_…see you later Tsukino!" and skipped away rather suspiciously.

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Lily and James had made triply sure that Remus was stuck in the library before summoning the entire Gryffindor house into the common room. Lily began imperiously –

"Alright, does everyone know what to do?"

A tiny first year girl spoke first,

"I'll be waiting with my Potions book, alone on the sofa."

Almost all of the fifth through seventh years added that they would be already at the costume party by the time seven o'clock rolled around on Friday. Third year Amy Moran, speaking for the majority of her compatriots added,

"And we young'uns will be upstairs, quiet as a mouse from seven to eight."

James smirked; Moran had been spending too much time around the Quidditch team, especially Sirius. He then added, after giving the entire room a piercing glare,

"Everyone who is not directly involved in Operation Sun-Fox is now dismissed."

Sirius grinned, and replied –

"That's the stupidest name ever, mate. In any case, Lummy will be there at 6:55, and then mysteriously leave at 6:59 with moi, to the costume ball. Remus will enter at 7:00 in costume, so Tsukino will not be aware of who he is, and begin teaching Cindy here about Potions."

"My name is Felicity," corrected Felicity, the first year girl. She was absolutely adorable, since she looked eight instead of eleven, and would probably be rather pretty when she became older. Lummy spoke up as soon as Lauren finished –

"Oh, Sirius, can I meet you in the Great Hall? Tsukino thinks you never asked me to the party." Sirius grumbled, considering the effort he had put into asking Lummy in their Transfiguration class. Even _McGonagall_ had helped out!

"Fine. Cindy will allow Remus and Sasha to talk for a moment, and then have to go to the bathroom or something at 7:15. Operation Sun-Fox is ready."

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Sasha Tsukino walked into the Gryffindor common room rather timidly at 6:53 Friday Evening. Surprisingly, only Lummy Delaware was there, clad in a flamenco dancer costume. Her Ancient Runes book was open with only a few notes scattered around the sofa.

"You're wearing a costume?"

"Just for fun. I'm not going. Here, I'll make you one!" Sasha Tsukino suddenly was wearing a white frock and wings with green trimmings and a cute green cap. Her ears were pointed.

"What am I supposed to be?"

"An elf queen? Dunno. I'm not very good at Charms," lied Lummy. She suddenly "realized" that she had forgotten her quill in her dormitory. She began to bound up the stairs to her room. Sasha smiled and nodded.

It was 6:58. Upstairs in the boy's dormitory, Sirius was putting the finishing touches on Remus' elf prince costume. His flaxen hair went very well with the green.

"I'm going to be late for the tutoring session."

"Cindy'll wait. Here, go!" Sirius waited until Remus had disappeared from the room, and flew out of the window on Amelia to pick Lummy up from her window.

"Still getting your quill, my fair flamenco vixen?"

"Afraid so."

It was 7:00. Remus had just put on a rather absurd mask that Sirius had provided for his costume. He looked around the room – ah, there in the corner was a tiny first year girl. He knelt down, and asked,

"Are you Cindy?"

"Actually, I'm Felicity."

"Oh, Sirius said you were named Felicity."

"That would be very Sirius, wouldn't it?" smiled Felicity. Sasha Tsukino was lounging on the sofa, her pretty white mask glinting under the lights. It seemed that her student was taking an excessively long time finding a quill. It had been almost seven minutes.

"Hey, do you need any help tutoring? I was helping some girl, but she ran off to find a quill." Remus looked up from the Potions assignment. Her voice sounded like Sasha Tsukino's, but he knew it wasn't, since she was in Ravenclaw. She looked quite lovely.

"I think we'll be fine in a few minutes, right Felicity?"

"Yes, of course," smiled Felicity in a cheeky manner. The three of them continued discussing potions happily, Remus sometimes looking over Felicity's brown head into the grey eyes of the girl sitting across from him.

"Have you thought about what subjects you'll be taking third year?"

"No, I still have a year, you know," replied Felicity. Sasha spoke up –

"Actually, it's very important to start preparing early, because otherwise you won't be able to make up your mind, there'll be so many options."

"Can I drop Potions?" asked Felicity, eagerly.

"No, of course not. Besides, I would think that Slughorn would be very fond of a pretty little girl like you," answered Remus, making the tiny first year blush, and Sasha regard him warmly.

"I would actually suggest Arithmancy or Ancient Runes, because they are such fascinating subjects. Especially if you want to work somewhere fun like Gringotts," added Remus, seriously.

"Ancient Runes is _rather_ fascinating," began Sasha conversationally, looking at Remus instead of Felicity. Felicity, who was a most perceptive little girl, chose that moment to smash her quill into her parchment by dropping her Potions book. Remus turned his face away from Sasha's, and asked kindly,

"What happened?"

"Oh nothing, I'll just go get a little bit of parchment, then," said Felicity airily. Remus continued to discuss Runes with the girl while they waited, finding that she knew almost as much about the subject as he. Sasha liked to think that the boy's flaxen hair was Remus', and imagined that it was he that she was having this fascinating discussion with.

"I wonder where she went. Hmm, Sirius did say I should just head to the costume party after the lesson was done." Sasha frowned underneath her mask, and queried sharply,

"You know Sirius?"

"Yea, actually. Why?"

Sasha decided in a split that she didn't want to offend the unknown boy – most Gryffindors knew the pranking seventh year. Even her dear Remus was friends with the hateful boy.

"Oh, just wondering. I think I'll head there too, you know, since I'm wearing the outfit and everything." Remus thought for a moment, and decided that since he couldn't have Sasha, this was the next best thing –

"Do you want to go together – just to get to know each other better? I mean, we obviously can't be dates, we just met each other!" Sasha smiled, he seemed like a nice boy, and replied,

"Sounds fine to me."

The two walked down to the costume ball together, their elf costumes matching perfectly. The Great Hall looked magnificent with the glittering decorations all around the vaulted ceiling, and a myriad of desserts were on the long white table at the side. James was dressed in the same outfit he had worn for King Claudius, looking particularly regal in the fur cape. Lily was close by, her small additions to Queen Gertrude's green gown showing off her flowing red hair and startling green eyes to everyone's satisfaction. Remus couldn't see Sirius yet, and another song had just started up.

"I'm a jealous man,  
I can't relate  
she's a doe-eyed girl  
with no complaints  
but there's another side  
that I'm trying to crack  
if you open your mind  
and let me take a stab  
at the secrets that you know  
sweet troubled soul…." (1)

The haunting beat was a particular favorite of Remus', so he and the girl he barely knew went to dance. It was particularly thrilling to hold her, even though she wasn't Sasha. When her head began to rest on his shoulder, Remus looked behind her to see perhaps a glimpse of Sasha, her short black tresses…perhaps with a lovely white dress on. The song had ended while they were still dancing.

On the other side of the makeshift ballroom, Sirius was resplendent in his matador costume, twirling around Lummy, the lovely Spanish flamenco dancer. Lummy had somehow given a Spanish flair to her face, Sirius wasn't sure how she had managed it, and he was having a great deal of fun with his red cloth.

"Do you think it worked?" whispered Lummy, her castanets clicking uselessly in her hands. Sirius smiled his handsome grin that made a great many girls melt, including Lummy, although she refused to admit it to his face…she liked it when he was unsure.

"Of course." Just then, the opening beats of Cake began, and Sirius dipped Lummy mercilessly as the song began –

"I want a girl with a mind like a diamond

I want a girl who knows what's best

I want a girl with shoes that cut

And eyes that burn like cigarettes

I want a girl with the right allocations

Who's fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack

She's playing with her jewelry

She's putting up her hair

She's touring the facility

And picking up the slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooooong jacket…." (2)

Remus really enjoyed himself at the costume ball, and had come to regard the mysterious girl with has much fondness as he had regarded Sasha Tsukino herself. Besides, everyone else was having a lot of fun, Dumbledore in his sombrero-donning Mexican get-up, to Professor Slughorn who made a very believable Walrus. Off in the distance, an exuberantly dancing Matador was performing a very acrobatic dance with his red skirted date, a couple Remus suspected to be Sirius and Lummy.

Sasha had still not been able to locate Remus…she had been hoping to have at least _one_ dance with him. However, she found the boy from the common room very interesting, polite, and a fascinating dancer. She thought with a pang that she did not even know his name. It was almost time for the unmasking – that would be the perfect time to ask him. His flaxen hair looked very debonair, even when peaking out from underneath that silly green cap. Sasha decided that she would take off the mask herself, and she stared up, maskless, her grey eyes looking at the elf prince.

Remus nearly choked…only there wasn't anything to choke on. He brushed the hair out of his face, pushed his own mask out of sight, and _kissed_ Sasha Tsukino. Somewhere in the distance, a matador and the pretty flamenco dancer in his lap catcalled.

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Lummy and Sirius are definitely the dream team of matchmakery, and they shall find _your_ true love if _you_ review!

(1) Sweet Troubled Soul, by Stellastarr

(2) Short Skirt, Long Jacket, by Cake


	27. Much Ado About Something

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Much Ado about Something **

Sirius Black was officially the most awesome friend ever. At least, that was the name that his girlfriend had bestowed upon him. Not that she was biased, or anything. The costume ball had been a hit, and Sirius Black had narrowly avoided getting dead drunk on Fire-whisky. Others, however, were not nearly as lucky. Sirius smirked at the thought of Amelia Bones getting drunk.

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"I wonder what we'll put in the end-of-term speeches?" asked Lily, trying different hairstyles in the middle of the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh damn, I forgot we had to write those."

"That's right…_Head Boy_," scowled Lily, "I never _could_ figure out how you got that."

"Easy, Sirius and I have the best grades in our year, minus some red-haired chick."

"Why didn't Sirius get it?"

"He has more detentions than yours truly."

"How did he manage that?"

"If you _must_ know…"

Lily grinned, he was about to reveal some juicy secret,

"I _must_."

"Well, I tried to stop getting into trouble so that you would go out with me."

"What about Sirius?"

"Sirius never seems to have that problem. Actually, the only week he took off was when he was taking over the SBWA."

"Sib-Wa?"

"Well, it _was_ called the Sirius Black Worshipping Association, Ltd. The name was changed after Sirius took over though, to the sensible SBFC: Sirius Black Fan Club. He thought worshipping was a bit much."

"Why does he run his own fan club?"

"It's dead useful, apparently. I'm not sure what he does with it though…he won't tell me."

"Anyhow, what are you saying in your end of term speech?"

"Oh, something about friendship and learning and joy. That sort of drabble."

"James! You have to make something that _matters_."

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Remus had just asked Sasha Tsukino out on a date. It seemed only right, he _had_ just kissed her. Only Sirius would snog a lass and then leave her in the lurch. Actually, even Sirius didn't do that anymore, smiled Remus. He never had found out how they did it…

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"That was brilliant, sweetheart," praised Lummy, her green eyes glittering.

"She'll never forgive me though."

"How did she get _so_ drunk?"

Sirius snickered, and held up a vial. It was filled with a purple liquid.

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Milbern's finest."

"But mulberry juice can't get you drunk."

"Mulberry juice mixed with hangover cure can, though," smirked Sirius.

Lummy, who was far better at Potions than everyone else in their year, except the greasy haired Slytherin, did some quick antidote calculations in her head and laughed.

"How did you know that mulberry juice not only nullifies, but reverses the effects of the scale of salamander that make the heart of the hangover cure? Oddly enough, the mulberry flavor also twists the dragon claw extract, making it taste better," Lummy mused thoughtfully. Sirius, who had actually just figured this out when trying to make his hangover cure taste less jarring, merely nodded at Lummy's intelligence.

"C'mon, its time for Poisons."

"_Potions_, love," scolded Lummy, even though she loved his bad puns.

The Potions class had very little to do after NEWTs had commenced. Horace Slughorn actually couldn't think of anything particularly engaging to do. He clapped his hands, and the class came to attention.

"I would like to announce the first ever potions-off."

"A what off?" asked Sirius, cheekily.

"A potions-off. You will be divided into pairs. Each pair will receive the name of one potion. You will have twenty minutes to make it. No books."

Everyone gasped in shock.

"What are the stakes?" asked James, itching to know what he and Lily could get.

"That is for me to know, and you to find out," said Professor Slughorn, who had figured out what he needed to do to get the class to pay attention.

With a flash of his wand, they were in pairs. They were almost the same as they had been the very first day of class, only Sirius was partnered with Lummy this time. Lummy glanced at the parchment in front of her:

_Anti-Kater Potion_ (1)

She smiled, and summoned scale of salamander to the table. Sirius, on the other hand, had finally discovered what he could bring to the Potions team. He would take out some random ingredient or another, and simply transfigure it into what Lummy wanted. Usually such things as "dragon claw extract" could not be merely conjured, but Sirius wasn't the best at Transfiguration for nothing.

Snape was livid. _He_ was the potions Prince extraordinaire, and Narcissa was _ruining _it all. Instead of handing him ingredients, or stirring, she was staring dreamily into a two way mirror on the table.

"Narcie, could you hand me that silver knife?" he hissed.

"But Lucius, what color will the flowers be?"

Severus finally smacked Narcissa on the cheek. She rubbed a single finger against the red tint on her damask skin, and frowned.

"What was that for?"

"For being an insufferable twit. Now, pass me that silver knife."

"Lucy doesn't like it when you talk to me like that," she pouted prettily.

"Bully for _Lucy_, then," spat Snape, disgusted that the previously sane Lucius Malfoy would permit his fiancé to give him a girl's nickname.

Remus was mixing the potion dutifully when Harold suddenly noticed that something was wrong. Harold was far better at Herbology and Transfiguration than she was at Potions, unlike her sister, however, even she could see that the cauldron was melting.

"_Spattergroit_," she shrieked.

It did absolutely nothing to the slowly dissolving container. The potion had begun to drip across the table, sizzling onto the floor. As a last resort, she performed the flame freezing charm. Somehow, this worked. The potion itself, however, was ruined.

Lily Evans was reasonably good at Potions, but James Potter was an insufferable lab partner. Even Sirius was better…dutifully conjuring up ingredients. She was almost done…yes…_CRASH_!

"James Finckelstein Potter!"

"That's sure as peaches not my middle name."

"Sorry, I needed something long and obnoxious. What have you done?"

"Well…I tripped on the stuff issuing from Remus' cauldron, and I used our potion to break my fall."

"You couldn't have used something else?"

"It was either that…or…erm…you?"

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"Wand's down! Stop stirring! Twenty minutes has elapsed. Now then, I shall now conduct a survey of thy results."

It was an annoying side-effect of Sirius and Lummy's pranks that everyone had adopted some crude variety of old English in their speech.

Professor Slughorn saw Narcissa and Snape's concoction and smiled broadly.

"What a _fine_ whistling solution. Oh, but there's contamination, I'm afraid."

Severus appeared livid –

"Contamination, sir?"

Professor Slughorn pointed to a single strand of fluorescent blonde hair draped over the edge of the cauldron. Narcissa quickly whipped her brush out of sight. Snape gave Narcissa Black a withering stare and swept out of the dungeons, his robes billowing behind him.

Sirius snorted. That billowing charm was _so outdated_. Slughorn moved around the table to examine Ashley Turpin's swelling and shooting solution. Unfortunately, her partner had been the notoriously clumsy Patrick Sweeney. This was evidenced by the sharp crack down the side of the cauldron. Professor Slughorn beamed down at Lily's potion until he noticed that James' glasses were also in the mixture…slowly dissolving into the draught of Peace.

"Miss Evans, I expected better." Lily flushed, and smacked James when Slughorn wasn't looking.

Second to last were Harold and Remus, but they had already been sent to the hospital wing for the third degree burns they had received from their potion. It turned out that the combination of '_spattergroit_' and the flame-freezing charm turned their poorly made potion into a peculiar breed of Ashwinder…which had proceeded to attack them both. Last were Lummy and Sirius, who were rather eager to know how they had done. Professor Slughorn came over to them, paused a moment, and removed a flask of fire-whisky from his pocket.

"Professor?" Sirius asked, alarmed.

"One moment, Monsieur Blaque."

Slughorn, who appeared to have taken a leaf out of Harold and Lummy's book, chugged the firewhisky. Then, with hardly a moment's hesitation, he downed the _Anti-Kater Potion_.

"Perfect."

"What's the prize, then?" asked Lummy curiously.

"You and Monsieur Blaque shall be the guests of honor and opening attractions to my next Slug Club Extravaganza. All of you present are invited, except for those who are not invited," announced Slughorn pompously. He gave a wave of his wand, and approximately half the class was holding purple and green envelopes in their hands.

"Lummy," said Sirius.

"What?"

"I wish you were horrible at Potions."

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(1) Anti-Hangover, according to extraordinarily literal German from an online translator. Please, correct me if I am wrong. In a review, methinks?


	28. Hijinks and Counterjinx

**Chapter Twenty-eight: Hijinks and Counterjinxes**

"Now, now, Monsieur Blaque, one must hold the lady gently."

The Frenchman with the obnoxious mustache was tapping his foot to the slow waltz. Lummy was wearing rather frilly dress robes that reminded Sirius of his annoying cousin, Narcissa. His midnight blue robes were his favorite, but he could think of many things he would rather be doing.

"Step, two, three, four, Twirl, two, three, four…and _sha-say_," repeated the Frenchman, enjoying Sirius' embarrassment.

"Professor Slughorn, this is not a prize," muttered Sirius, his eyes imploring.

"Of course not, it's an attraction. Why do you think I had a potions-off?"

"Er…to demonstrate our efficacy at concoction?" suggested Lummy rather arrogantly.

"Well, in a way, but I really needed you two to open my little shindig," explained Professor Slughorn, his walrus-like arms flailing.

"Please, kill me now," implored Sirius, his arms plastered to Lummy's.

"Not now, silly. It can wait."

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The majority of the Gryffindor Newt level Potions class was gathered in the common room, adorned in various states of dress robes. Lily was clutching nervously to James' arm, donning a very Slytherin green.

"No wonder Sluggy's in bloody love with you! You're a secret slimeball!" announced Sirius, dramatically.

"I will not have you talk to my _girlfriend_ that way, Sirius Black," admonished James, his eyes lighting up when he said "girlfriend". Sirius began muttering something about not putting "hos before bros" that was clearly a result of his daily ballroom dancing lessons with the tubby Potions master. Lily recovered the fastest, and asked Remus politely,

"Who are you bringing?"

"Oh…just…Sasha."

"Ha! I _am_ fantastic. Now, I must convene the SBFC and hand out some awards and promotions." Lily half-expected Lummy to look shocked at her boyfriend maintaining his fan club, but she still had not gotten the full measure of Luhrmalleen Delaware.

"Now I know why he was getting that copy of Witch Weekly. I was almost afraid dear Mr. Black had turned into a woman," smirked Lummy.

"What issue was it?" asked Harold, inquiringly. Gerald Afbetoqui had once again appeared spontaneously in the Gryffindor common room, and he nodded to demonstrate his curiosity.

"Oh, the one where they give all those stupid awards."

"The _new_ one? Hmm, I still haven't read it," piped up Lily, much to James' chagrin, who was about to brag that _his_ girlfriend was above the world of girls and make-up.

Lily bounded back down the stairs, Witch Weekly in hand. She looked expectantly at Lummy.

"Page twenty-seven," answered Lummy, looking bored.

**Hogwarts Heartthrob throws a Wrench at Cynics** _by Lisa_

Sirius Black was a bad-boy, a prankster, a _Marauder_, and not a nice man to know. Entering into the seventh year, the heir of the Black fortune was the resident Hogwarts heartbreaker, and rumored to have inherited his family's dark tendencies, despite his placement into the Gryffindor house. Some even found that the officers of the Sirius Black Fan Club (SBFC), formerly known as SBWA, had risen to high-level Ministry positions.

"It's sooooo obvious that's it's a conspiracy," says an unnamed Ministry witch who has not been able to rise past her desk job.

However, this year, Mr. Heartbreaker is the new paragon of commitment. Since her abrupt arrival to the school, he has been seen daily with the Steward of Delaware, Miss Luhrmalleen. Blonde, cat-eyed, and beautiful, many said that she was just another notch for Mr. Black. However, Luhrmalleen is no ordinary witch, and excels at Potions, Defense against the Dark Arts, and Charms to such a degree that she could even give her top-ranked boyfriend a run for his Galleons. And does he have a _lot_ of Galleons! Furthermore, upon scrutiny, it appears that the SBFC is a legitimate prerequisite to joining the Ministry. Members demonstrate great organization and leadership skills when pursuing this long-time extracurricular. The officers of this institution are selected by application only, and although mere membership is open to all, the elite officer corps uphold a stringent routine. Current President, Seventh Year Ravenclaw Prefect Ashley Turpin gives us her opinion –

"SBWA used to be an appalling club. It was all about making shrines and the sort of Sirius stalking that was completely childish. Sirius soon decided that his name could not be connected with that sort of society. He forced SBWA to change its name and its goals. Now we have a lot of Summer Internships and Tutorial programs done through the club – it'll probably exist even after Sirius leaves. I'm really proud to have made it so far in this organization, and it's helped me get a job in the International Magical Cooperation office, one of the most prestigious branches of the Ministry, after I graduate!"

As a result of these findings, and this stunning picture of Mr. Black, we at Witch Weekly present to you the winner of our "Most Charming Smile Award", as well as the "Beauty and Brains Award" to Miss Luhrmalleen Delaware.

"So what did he need it for?" asked Remus, inquisitively.

"He's going to autograph it and give it someone," answered Lummy.

"Why?" queried James.

"Oh, he uses the club for getting information, and stuff like that. He always gives something to them when stuff goes right."

Something seemed to have clicked for both James and Remus. James held his hand up in the hair, apparently looking for something. Remus noticed the elf-cap in his pocket.

"That's…how…Sasha?"

"And found Amy Moran…?"

"Wow."

Lily, Harold, and Gerald looked at the three of them annoyed.

"Somebody explain?"

"Well, last year Sirius was Quidditch Captain, and he had a hell of a time finding a chaser. Suddenly, one day he came back, and he had a chaser. It was a bit suspicious. I asked him about it, and all he said was that he had done a bit of searching, and there she was. The SBFC gathers information about girls for Sirius, finds out their habits, and gives him reports. That's why when stuff goes well, someone gets rewarded. I remember that the day after Amy Moran helped us win the first match last year, Ashley got some sort of special prize."

"What was it?"

"Oh, er…he kissed her and bought her new dress robes. At the time, we just thought they were going to start dating," replied Remus very quickly, as though Lummy would miss it if it were said faster.

"That was before he met me, though," added Lummy, darkly.

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Violet Frobisher, Sarah Marsden, and Olivia Quirke were among the luckiest members of the SBFC today, because they would be called to the front of the audience at _the_ meeting. In true SBFC tradition, an administrative meeting was called monthly to discuss each member's progress at their respective assignments. Unlike the smaller biweekly meetings, each member was _required_ to be present at these sessions, not even hospital visits would merit an absence. Praise and sometimes rewards would be meted out to those who had completed their respective tasks to par, sometimes even resulting in promotion. Violet remembered that she had been promoted at her _very first_ administrative meeting her third year when she had taken superb notes for a girl who had missed all her classes. As a sixth year, she hoped to man one of the highest officer positions in the coming term.

"Loretta Paisley, please come to the front," ordered President Ashley Turpin. A tiny second year scampered up past the rows of upperclassmen. She was very afraid, because she hadn't completed her task, and she thought she would be demoted.

"Are you friends with a little girl named Amy Moran?"

Loretta nodded.

"What about Felicity Whitman?"

Loretta nodded.

It was now Sirius' time to speak.

"Now, I want you to give these to Amy and say that they are from you, ok?"

He handed her a huge gift bag from _Quality Quidditch Supplies_. Inside were two rolled up posters, two new Quidditch mitts, and a broom-polishing set. Ashley frowned –

"All those for keeping the first through fourth years in line? Isn't it a bit much, Sirius?"

"A little, perhaps, but she _is_ our star chaser. Now then, where was I? I also want you to give this to Cindy, and say that it is from you."

"Who's Cindy?"

"He means Felicity, sweetheart."

Sirius gave Loretta a second bag, this time it was from _Flourish and Blotts_. There were two books inside, and a make-up set. Clarissa Waters peered into the bag and gave Sirius a look.

"You gave _another_ first year a copy of _that _book? Both of them?" Clarissa shook her head and held up copies of _Hexing your Friends for Fun_, and _101 Pranks to drive your Teachers Batty_.

"Signed, too," added Sirius, leaning back on his chair.

"Thank you, Loretta, you are dismissed. Violet Frobisher, Sarah Marsden, and Olivia Quirke, please come to the front."

"Violet, as a token of your unwavering service to the SBFC, we present to you this gift certificate to _Madame Malkin's_. Now please step to the side for your photograph."

Violet went to go stand next to Sirius, who assumed a lackadaisical pose, and Alice Finchley snapped a photo. Sirius signed the photo, which was already captioned "Violet Frobisher, and the Winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, Sirius Black." Violet went off eagerly with the signed and framed photograph, and nearly forgot the gift certificate. Sarah and Olivia were rewarded in like terms, although ice-cream fanatic Marsden was pleased to receive a lifetime membership to _Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor_, and Miss Quirke was signed up to receive Witch Weekly for the rest of her life for free.

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You too can receive Witch Weekly for free if you review! A one time only offer!


	29. An Evening with the Walrus

**Chapter Twenty-nine: An Evening with the Walrus**

And so, much to Sirius' dismay, the afternoon passed before he knew what was going on, and his presence was required in Slughorn's dungeon office. Sirius Black strode down the stairs, Lummy on his arm, and appeared in the entrance of Professor Slughorn's room.

"Here you are, my boy. Where _have_ you been? I want you to meet some people," began Horace Slughorn. He suddenly pulled two disgruntled men in Muggle clothes out of thin air to stand beside them.

"Hello," Sirius said gingerly.

"These are two network executives from America. They seemed very eager to talk to you." Sirius heard the words "network executives" and "America" and blanched. He quickly disappeared into the center of the office, and nodded towards the orchestra. Sirius and Lummy began to waltz.

"You know, Lummy, the thing that really gets me about award shows is that they're in bloody December and January?"

"All award shows, love?"

"Muggle ones, anyhow. I was reading about that one with the guy - Omar. Why can't they be in June or July?"

"Omar?"

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"It _is_ rather cute, isn't it?" remarked Lily, referring to Sirius and Lummy's waltzing.

"If by cute, you mean stupid," replied James, much to Lily's dismay.

"I think _we _should join them."

"My big mouth," lamented James.

"Would you like to dance, Remus?" asked Sasha Tsukino, stunning in light grey robes. Remus couldn't help notice that they matched her eyes perfectly.

"Dance? Yes. Shall I get some drinks? After I get dances, we can drink…no…I mean with drinks to dance. Or you drink, and I dance?"

"Actually, let's just dance. You don't need any drinks," teased Sasha.

"How _do_ you keep getting inside the school all the time?" asked Harold, who was being twirled in one spot by Gerald.

"Passageways. Do you want to be my date to the Oscars?"

"Are there Oscars here? May Oscar was my best friend in sixth grade," began Harold, eagerly.

"Not the Oscar family, the award show."

"But we can't go to that. It's only for celebrities and their guests. Not us."

"We _will_ be though, when Sirius is nominated. Oh, damn. That hasn't happened yet. Would you like a drink, sweetheart?"

Most of the guests had gotten tired of dancing, and as a result, James, Sirius, and Gerald had hidden away in the corner to avoid detection by Slughorn and the American network executives. Remus would have come as well, only he was unable to make any coherent sense, and kept repeating, "Sha-sa, drinks…dance?" As a result, a very amused Miss Tsukino had taken him to the hospital wing.

"Hospital wing, my foot. They're off snogging, the drunken fools," said James, bitterly.

"Lily flower isn't being receptive?" asked Sirius, mischievously.

"Haha, more like Slughorn has captured Lily for himself," remarked Gerald. James whipped around to see that the girls were being entertained by the great Walrus himself, Lily's red hair tossed as she laughed.

"Beat by a fifty-year old man. Sad, James, sad," quipped Sirius.

"I don't see Lummy anywhere."

"She and Harold are booby-trapping the network executives," answered Gerald.

"Mostly just confundus and memory charms, and some handy ink-runners," added Sirius. James looked forlornly into the crowd. He saw a glimpse of a girl with strawberry blonde hair dancing with a boy who was at least three years older than her.

"That's Amy Moran! What's she doing here?"

Without waiting for an answer, he ran over to Amy and ripped the other boy's hand off her. Amy just smiled; she had a good deal of experience with her over exuberant Quidditch captain.

"What's going on? Can third years come to these?"

"Only if they're _very_ well-connected," bragged Amy, mockingly. By this time, Sirius and Gerald had finally caught up with James.

"She's the niece of a certain Josef Wronski, James."

James' eyes were as large as saucers.

"_The_ Josef Wronski?"

"Mmhmm, Quidditch is in my blood. I'm half Irish and half Polish, from my mother's side. Mum almost named me Annika. Can you imagine?"

"Why didn't you try out right away last year?" asked James. It was Sirius, not Amy who answered,

"She was never a very good Seeker, but an excellent Chaser. She thought that dear Uncle Josef would be disappointed. Luckily, she finally saw reason." Amy blushed at the praise. She looked up at Sirius, and whispered,

"Thanks for the Quidditch mitts. And I love the Cannons and the Harpies."

"No need to thank me, those were from your friend Lorentia," blathered Sirius, anxiously.

"_Loretta_ doesn't know anything about Quidditch. Besides, Felicity got a mysterious present too. We're not _stupid_, you know."

James was still staring into space at the thought of Josef Wronski. Gerald spoke for the first time to Amy as they were getting ready to leave the party.

"Good luck at the Quidditch World Cup, Moran." Amy stared at him wonderingly as the boy left her side.

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Sirius was standing in the center of the room, as though he was waiting for something to happen. Luhrmalleen Delaware strode up to him, beautiful in her pale green robes.

"Your eyes are like the moonlit waters of the Amazon…" whispered Sirius, mock-romantically. Everyone turned to watch in interest at the two.

"…infested with piranha…no?"

"Your barbs pierce mein heart, love."

Lummy looked at him quizzically, and then lay down into his arms, her face white with shock.

"The time has come, Sirius."

"But I thought you had fixed it?"

"How could I, when it was clear that sooner or later, you would pick one of us?"

"It did not have to be so…"

"How could I live onwards, when thy heart belongs to another?"

Sirius let out an odd strangled sound that might have been construed as a side effect of love, but in actuality, Lummy was simply clutching Sirius' neck painfully.

"I do not love her."

"Oh, but you do."

Sirius stood up, and Lummy fell to the ground with a clatter. The people around them looked confused. Sirius waved away their fears with a wave of his wand…which actually just caused funny crystal droplets to surround them.

"Fine. I am in love with Amelia. Art thou happy?"

Lummy stood up, her eyes ablaze with anger (but really amusement), and she picked up a steak knife violently so that the remaining viewers slowly inched away.

"Don't! Your life is not worth so little!"

Lummy laughed wickedly.

"But _your_ life is!"

…and she thrust the steak knife into Sirius, and Sirius dropped to the floor in a pool of blood.

A particularly intense scream issued from amidst the crowd of surprised shrieks. It was Ravenclaw Amelia Bones. She could not walk straight, having had over six shots of fire whisky. Her eyes were streaming with tears. She knelt over Sirius, her tears falling and tickling his face (for he was, of course, still alive). He barely avoided bursting into laughter.

"Oh, Sirius, to think you _died_ for the love you felt for me? I always thought it was a joke," (sob), "But here I am, kneeling over thy departed soul, and it comes to me…a moment too late. Hahahaha…late rhymes with fate…and skate…and gate…and spate…and trait…and Kate…and date…and hate…and wait…and…," said Amelia, somewhat deliriously.

Sirius was almost suffocating now, the fake blood was seeping into his expensive midnight blue robes, and the cane that he had transfigured the steak knife into was actually poking at his side. Not to mention that he had Amelia's tears running all over his face.

"SHUT…UP!" screeched the deceased Sirius. Amelia nearly toppled over in fright. She was staring at Sirius blankly, one long finger pointed in his direction…, and then, most surprisingly, her face broke into a smile.

"I have phoenix tears! I'm part phoenix! I must tell Dumbledore, he will be _so_ surprised," cried Amelia in happiness and bounded out of the office.

Sirius stood up with great difficulty, his clothes stained with blood, a wooden cane clattering to his side. Lummy came up to him coquettishly and kissed him. The remainder of the Slug Club party-goers gasped; they thought they were looking at a dead man. It was going to be a long night.

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I'm part phoenix too! Amelia Bones is rather out of character, getting drunk so much, but she's only doing it for the reviews, love.


	30. School's out and About

**Chapter Thirty: School's out and About**

It was the end of May, and the regular Hogwarts students had just been sent home on the Express. The school would be host to the parents of the graduating Seventh years. Those students who were interested in watching the graduation ceremony were invited to stay at Hogwarts during the next week, but were warned that they could easily be "tossed unceremoniously" into the street if there were too many parents.

Sirius, James, Remus, Lily, Lummy, Sasha, Harold, and Gerald, were all planning to visit Harold and Lummy's home in Delaware. They were just packing up when the Gryffindor Quidditch team came running up to them. Little Amy Moran was in front, and much to Sirius' and James' dismay, wasn't quite so little anymore. She stopped, breathless, her dirty blonde hair disarrayed.

"These are for you lot, our favorite Gryffindor captains."

"Ames, you shouldn't have," sighed Sirius, holding a hand up to his heart.

"You're right, but do open them," answered Paul Cootes.

Sirius opened his, and discovered it to be a bludger with his name engraved upon it. Unfortunately, as soon as he opened it, it began to fly towards him at a most alarming pace. Sirius was without his club, and was in great danger of being dismembered as a result. Amy Moran smiled, raised her wand, and whispered something. The bludger came to a rest peacefully in Sirius' hand.

"What'd you say?"

Amy whispered it into Sirius' ear, who laughed, and whispered it to James. Everyone else was rather annoyed because no one revealed _what_ Amy had said. James looked at his own package, and asked eagerly,

"Is it a special Snitch? Or a Quaffle? Snitches are cooler though," conjectured James, running his fingers unnecessarily through his hair.

"Of course not, that would be too predictable. Open it, instead of standing about like an idiot," commanded Lucy Phelps.

James ripped up the package, which revealed a tiny model of James flying in circles after a red ball. Every so often, it would catch it, and the model would cheer.

"Does it only fly in circles?"

"Er…yes…it was supposed to actually be a sort of game, but we couldn't get it to do anything else," answered Amy, ruefully.

"We?" asked James, looking at the rest of the Quidditch team as if to ask whether they were involved in its creation.

"The SBFC. They're very useful, especially with things like this."

"I thought that they only listened to Sirius."

"Well, I'm pretty good friends with him, and _you're_ his best friend, so they were quite accommodating. Not to mention Ash is a good friend of mine," replied Amy, blushing over her little speech.

"Why does Sirius get the better present?" questioned James, who was watching the model of himself fly constantly around and around. It was making him quite dizzy. Thomas Bradley decided to answer the question,

"Well, Sirius _was_ the better captain."

Sirius himself looked rather surprised at this pronouncement. He and James gazed at the remainder of the Quidditch team for confirmation. Almost on cue, the entire team rolled up their left sleeves, and a dark scar was present in the same place. James blushed, and mumbled something about "at least we _had_ practices".

"I _had_ practices, I resent that, mate!" complained Sirius, reveling in his year of captaincy. It was everyone's turn to laugh.

"What about that time you cancelled practice so you could go on that date?" teased Andrew Robbins.

"What was her name again?" asked Sirius, drawing a blank.

"It was Clarissa Waters, mate," supplied James, laughing at his best friend's selective remembrances.

"I made that practice up, didn't I?" defended Sirius.

"Only to have slept through the make-up practice," added Lucy.

"We were all shivering at six o'clock in the morning, doing laps around the pitch…" began Tom.

"…we _did_ tell you that you _never_ woke up before ten," remonstrated Amy.

"…and it was therefore quite useless to schedule a practice so early," put in Paul.

"…even if it _was_ the weekend before the Slytherin game," James pointed out. Sirius appeared thoughtful for a moment, and then he retorted,

"We _WON_ that game!" The team laughed even harder. Sirius looked as though he had been confounded.

"What is it now?"

"Only because we were superb…" started Andrew.

"…and because you set fire to the Slytherin seeker's broom. I think it was Carrow, he almost burned off," described Lucy, barely hiding a grin beneath her hand.

"And you are very lucky I did that, because otherwise you wouldn't have caught the Snitch, Lucy Phelps," scolded Sirius, even though he too was laughing.

"True, but it got you banned from for the next five weeks," reminded Amy Moran, her stomach hurting from laughter.

"You would have missed our next match if McGonagall hadn't switched up the match order," remembered Tom wonderingly.

"Minerva _does_ have a soft spot for moi, does she not? It would have been rather appalling to play without a captain, no?" Sirius explained.

"It _has_ been done before though, remember Adrian Meliflua?" said Paul Cootes, referring to the Slytherin captain who had been banned from their final match. Sirius looked thoughtful, and queried,

"Who _were_ we playing that match, anyhow?"

Another round of laughter issued from the rest of the team, causing everyone in the common room to turn around and stare at them in wonderment. James spoke up first,

"We were playing Ravenclaw."

"And why, pray tell, is that so funny?" asked Sirius, a bemused expression on his face.

"Do you remember a certain dark-haired Ravenclaw you were _involved_ with the week before the match?" answered Lucy cheekily.

"One _Ashley Turpin_, I believe," appended Andrew Robbins.

"We all were sure that you would throw the game for her," suggested Thomas, his ears turning red.

"I didn't though. I was too good of a captain for that," bragged Sirius.

"Not only did you _refuse_ to throw the game, you dumped her the day before the match," repeated Amy.

"And you didn't just dump her, mate, you _pranked her_," admonished James.

Everyone had a mental image of an angry Ashley Turpin running after Sirius, her robes soaked in ink, holding open a charms textbook that was completely blank.

"I _do_ love your Quidditch pranks though," gushed Paul.

"What other Quidditch pranks have I played?" asked Sirius, once again forgetting about all the things that he had done.

"Shall we tell him about his fourth year one?"

"I wasn't there," lamented Amy, "Do tell."

"I think I remember watching this…" reminisced Lucy.

"Well, it was a dark and stormy afternoon in mid-October…or was it November," opened Andrew.

"November, probably," suggested Tom Bradley, even though he had not been on the team that year.

"In any case, we were playing Slytherin. It was a rough and tumble match, and some of the fans became quite involved. Sirius, in his spontaneous manner, grabbed his handy wand," inserted James.

"…and bewitched the Slytherin broomsticks into the first three things he could think of…"

"…a hag, a wolf, and a fwooper…"

"…and they followed around that poor Ravenclaw in the audience," said Paul Cootes, "Until you tried to attach the fwooper to the ground using a sticking charm."

"Unfortunately, your charm work was a bit spotty," taunted Tom.

"…and you ended up sticking the fwooper onto the girl! Who _was _she?" wondered Andrew. James began laughing hysterically, and Sirius blushed a deep red, showing that he _did_ remember this particular fourth year incident.

"Sasha Tsukino," announced James. The rest of the team, or at least those who paid attention to the Marauders' love lives, nearly gasped.

"No wonder Remus' girl detests you, Amy, you've got to hear what happened next," recovered Lucy. James continued with the story –

"The fwooper was attached to Sasha, and sang its mournful song for the rest of the week. The wolf kept trying to eat the fwooper, so it followed Sasha around it. The hag was entranced by the combination, and the three went with Sasha to every class."

"Sirius even wrote a little song about it that Peeves used to sing…" recalled Andrew. At this, Paul burst into a version of _Mary had a little lamb_ –

-

"Sasha had a little fwooper,

Its feathers were bright yellow,

And every where that Sasha went,

The fwooper had to go.

-

It went to school everyday,

Which no one seemed to mind,

It made the children laugh and play,

To see Sasha in a bind.

-

And so McGonagall turned her out,

Much to her dismay,

Sasha waited patiently about,

Till Pomfrey did appear.

-

Pomfrey could do nothing yet,

It was not a spell she'd brung

And Sasha missed a lot of class,

While the fwooper sung…"

-

"How _did_ she get rid of the fwooper then? Not to mention the hag and the wolf," asked Amy, curiously.

"The wolf finally ate the fwooper, and the hag killed the wolf. McGonagall finally un-transfigured the hag, even though she said it was a really good bit of Transfiguration," finished James.

"It really was," added Sasha, who had been listening to the end of the story from Remus' side.

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Sasha had a little fwooper who liked to review…


	31. Delaware meets Hogwarts' Finest

**Chapter Thirty-one: The State of Delaware meets Hogwarts' Finest**

The Marauders plus five had just arrived in Delaware. From their previous experiences with the tabloids, they had all adopted various states of dress, attempting to be "incognito". This had varying results, but the main point was that they were utterly unrecognizable.

Lummy's blonde locks had been transformed to dark, stringy, black hair. Sirius claimed that he had gotten the inspiration from _Snivellus'_ greasy coif. Her eyes were protuberant and dark blue, her skin rather pale and sickly. She sported a fedora and a long red dress. She was painfully thin.

"I don't see why _I_ have to adopt a disguise," remarked Sirius, rather stupidly.

"Really?"

"Well, everyone will figure that _I_ already _am_ a costume, right?"

"Er…"

Fortunately, Lily had been able to corner Sirius into a disguise. His elegant black hair was a vivid green instead, and hung lankly about his face. Despite the copious amounts of make-up that had been forced upon his face, and the round glasses he now wore, his natural elegance was difficult to mask. Lily, drawing inspiration from a Muggle fairy tale, had lengthened his nose so that his glasses were a shade too low for his eyes, giving him an elderly feel. Her last inspiration was to give Sirius a fat-suit. As a result, _Hogwarts' Hearthrob_ looked repulsive enough to give Peter Markov a run for his money.

"This outfit is bloody hot for May. I'm sweating buckets in here."

"Well, there's a reason why people don't wear dark colors in the summer, mate!" added Remus in his artsy outfit.

James had done "tortured artist" to the max when designing "Rome Lycan's" new look. Remus' lengthened hair was dyed a very dark black, topped with a black beret. He wore a long black trench coat atop a black ribbed turtleneck. Black trousers nearly swept the ground, the ends matching perfectly with the black sneakers. Harold had carefully painted Remus' fingernails a ghastly black color, and put eyeliner around his eyes. Remus was smoking a "cigarette" at the end of a "cigarette holder". It was actually a piece of paper bewitched to flame at one end. Sasha was clutching Remus' elbow, looking very happy. She was wearing simply Muggle clothes, since she would not be easily recognized.

James was a wizened old man, and looked something like Dumbledore. His regular glasses were altered to a square frame. The only distinctive aspect of his appearance was his cane. James could not stop adding ornaments to it. As a result, the bottom was spiked, a cloud of intricate wooden flower were spiraling down the length of the cane. The top was a glittery knob that flashed different colors. This can in particular was attracting a good deal of attention from the other passersby.

"_Orchideous_!" chanted James, pointing his wand at the cane. A set of orchids erupted from one edge.

"_James_," hissed Lily, jerking her boyfriend to the side.

Lily herself was also sporting stringy black hair a la Snape, but looked more like a drugged Hollywood starlet. Her lovely green eyes were a bloodshot brown color, her nails lengthened to long red talons. She too was emaciated, a set of tasteless designer clothes hung off her body in a most unflattering fashion. She was wearing _very_ high heels. Lastly, her lipstick was smeared as though she had put it on while drunk.

Harold had also opted for the fat-suit option, for otherwise she would resemble Lummy too closely. Her hair was also a dark black, her eyes a light blue. She was wearing a dark green gown that was completely out of place in the balmy May weather. In fact, she could have been an opera singer from an old movie. Gerald had altered the least in his appearance, and looked one of the strangest. He was wearing a ski-cap, a thick polar fleece, and long dragon-hide boots with a set of designer sunglasses to add to the mix. His hair sported flashy pink highlights.

In this manner, they strolled down the streets of Delaware. All of a sudden, they saw a slightly plump little girl running towards them, her eyes shining with excitement. The same thought passed through each of their minds…_had they been recognized, despite all their efforts_?

The little girl stopped in front of Harold, she spoke,

"Shelby Summers! Is that really you? Are you truly the famous opera diva? I know you are, you've been my idol for _years_. I had no idea that you were going to be in Delaware during your tour."

Harold's face was completely blank. She finally forced out a few words –

"Yes, little girl."

"Will you sign this? I carry it with me everywhere. It's your greatest hits collection. You were simply amazing…"

The girl whipped out a CD from nowhere. On the cover was a very fat woman who resembled Harold's disguise remarkably well. The title was "Shelby Summers…a Summer of Soprano." Harold pulled out a permanent marker, and signed rather sloppily,

"_Have your own sweet Summer – Shelby Summers_".

"Oh thank you! I can't wait to tell my mum, she'll be delighted. Is this your family?"

Harold stood there once again, gaping like a fish.

"Family?"

"Yes," and the little girl made a gesture towards the rest.

Now, it may never be known just what went through Harold's head at the moment, because she replied rather enthusiastically –

"Why, yes it is love. Now this one is Happy," pointing at Lily, who looked anything but happy, "…Dopey…" was a very lost looking Remus, "…Grumpy…" was Sirius, who glared enough to merit a 'dangerous' rather than just grumpy, "…Sleepy…" as she pointed at James, who gave an amicable yawn, "…Doc…" as Gerald tried to look serious enough to be a doctor, "…Sneezy…" and Sirius conjured a feather under Lummy's nose to yield a sneeze on cue, "…of course, here is dear Bashful…" who was poor Sasha Tsukino, who had turned to a red tinge that matched her name.

The little girl cried out,

"You're crazy, Miss Summers!" and ran away. The eight of them began to laugh hysterically, and Remus was the first to emerge from the giggles –

"Dwarves, Harold?"

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Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to review we go…


	32. Toujours Poor

**Chapter Thirty-two: Toujours Poor**

"We're having our cousins over tomorrow," announced Lummy when everyone had finally settled down to the dinner table. Sirius nearly spat out his glass of water that he had been chugging. James turned a deep shade of purple as he choked on a stalk of asparagus.

"I didn't know that you had cousins. Weren't you supposed to be orphans?" asked Lily, who was thumping James on the back.

"Actually, it turns out that they used to live in England. Not really cousins, more just the one cousin and our aunt and uncle. They moved here about thirteen years ago," replied Harold, munching on some baby carrots.

"Where in England are they from?" said Sasha, who had finally stopped throwing dirty looks at Sirius.

"Harterford or Lancastershire, I think," answered Lummy, looking rather confused. Remus gave her a strange look, and gulped down chicken he had just finished chewing.

"I hope that means Hartford or Lancashire, because those aren't real places. I don't even know if those two are near each other."

"Oh well, where do they live now, Lummers?" asked Sirius, exercising his new nickname for Lummy and changing the subject in a single blow.

"I think he said West Virginia, but I couldn't really tell, with that accent."

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Lummy and Harold had just finished wiping down the kitchen, and they had given Sirius and Gerald the unenviable task of dusting. Lily and James were vacuuming, which meant actual cleaning for Lily, but James just fought with the vacuum cleaner.

"You know, these cords are _impossible_. Who knew they were so long? And stringy? Quite amazing, when one thinks about it," remarked James, nearly tripping over said cord. Sirius materialized in the corridor, and appeared to be molting.

"What happened to _you_, mate?" queried Remus good-naturedly.

"Well, the deather fester just fell apart when I was deathering the cabinet. And then the festers jumped on me. Lummy told me they were just regular feathers, but they _stick_. Anyhow, the festers kept coming, so I Apparated away," explained Sirius rather nervously.

"Sirius, I don't think they are called festers or deathers," added Gerald, barely hiding a grin as he followed Sirius down the stairs.

"What _are_ they called then?" put in Sasha, who had been plumping up the cushions.

"A _feather duster_," corrected Harold before she burst into laughter.

"Alright everyone, they'll be here in about a half hour, so we'll go get dressed and everything," reminded Lummy as she dashed off to her own room.

Remus and James stayed behind while everyone went off to their respective rooms. Remus spoke first,

"Did you get that all on tape?"

"Of course."

"The kiss at dinner. And deather fester?"

"Wouldn't have missed it for the world."

"Good man, James Potter."

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_The bell rang almost an hour later_.

"That must be them," cried Lummy, "How do I look?"

"Like a doll, Lummers," praised Sirius, mock smacking her to hurry her up. Remus and James exchanged a look, and James pointed to the hidden cameras he had hung at every corner.

Three characters stood at the door, if one had not known that they were all related, it would have been impossible to guess. The woman was hunched over, with dirty black hair, lopsided brown eyes, and a smiling face. She was wearing something akin to overalls, the floral print stretched over her spherical figure. Her husband was an elderly man, who may have been handsome in his youth, Lily really couldn't tell. He was very thin, almost emaciated, but his eyes were a dark glittering black that sparkled with life. He too had a very kind face. Their son, however, was what Lily would call striking. She would venture to guess that he could give Sirius Black a run for his money.

The thirteen year old boy was tall for his age, with jet black hair and the dark eyes of his father. He was incredibly handsome and possessed a confident, commanding air that gave him an entirely different demeanor from his parents. He gave Lummy and Harold a weak, unassuming smile that immediately gave his face a less startling feel. Lily had a feeling that if she had not seen the smile, she would have found their cousin rather alarming.

"Hey y'all, I'm awful pleased to be visitin' finally," began the boy, his authoritative air disappearing as soon as the word 'y'all' was issued from his lips. Lummy beamed at him, her green eyes looking fondly.

"Well then, on with the introductions, shall we? Now, this is my cousin Bonaventure (1), but we call him Jude (2), my Aunt Maia (3), and Elder Benjy (4)." Sirius whispered to James –

"Does _everyone_ in this family have impossibly long names with completely unrelated nicknames?"

Ignoring the interruption, Harold continued,

"Now then, the girl with the lovely red hair is Lily Evans and that kid with the messy black hair…"

"Which one is it, honey?" asked Aunt Maia.

"Er…the one with black eyes and glasses is Gerald Afbetoqui Potter, and the one with hazel eyes is James Potter…" Lummy quickly put in –

"And the _stunning_ one with perfect black hair and sapphire blue eyes is…"

But before she could say, Elder Benjy blurted out,

"Sirius Black, we know."

"How?" asked Sirius, confused, but gratified from his girlfriend's extreme praise."Well, all y'all are on the telly. I mean, I don't go for them tabloids, but I seen y'all's pitchers on them fair enough times."

"I dunno where they go off callin' our Lummy some foul name _Narcissa_," complained Aunt Maia.

"Neither do we," muttered Sirius conspiratorially as Remus elbowed him in the stomach. Harold used the lull to continue introducing the crowd –

"Now then, this one with the light brown hair is Remus Lupin, and his pretty black-haired girlfriend is Sasha Tsukino."

"Why did you decide to move here from England," asked Lily briskly, trying to make conversation and distract James from staring at Aunt Maia's crossed eyes.

"A bit of family trouble, his brother and my father, mostly," replied Aunt Maia, amicably. Lily noticed that she didn't lapse into her accent when she didn't remember.

"We thought that the lot of them up in _Lancashire _was a bit crazed, and they weren't none too fond of us neither," added Elder Benjy.

Lily also found that Elder Benjy wasn't _quite_ telling the truth when he said that Lancashire was his home. In fact, Aunt Maia had categorically stated that _Hartford_ was her birthplace, even though Elder Benjy and she were apparently from the same town. It was all very fishy.

"So I went off to Argentina in 1925 with my youngest sister, hoping for bigger and better things. I was terribly naïve then, a mere girl of fifteen, and your ma a wee babe," explained Aunt Maia.

"And I fled to Canada, to become a traveling salesman. Of course, Canada wasn't quite Canada then," said Elder Benjy. Sirius quirked an eyebrow questioningly,

"What was it then?"

"Part of jolly ol' England, I mean, it was a darn piece of the old country," explicated Elder Benjy, recognizing that he had fallen out of his hick drawl inadvertently.

"Is the old country Poland?" asked Remus, who had clearly not been paying attention.

"'Course not; it's England, ain't it? Anyhoo, I ironed boots and blacked 'dem trousers for me livin' for a good twelve years, and 'den I got de itching in me feet 'gin," blathered Elder Benjy, attempting to make up for his previous lapse by adopting a drawl that was bigger and better than ever. Sasha sighed as though she could not quite figure how one would "iron boots and black trousers", but knew better then to ask outright.

"And in Argentina, we joined a group of indigenous peoples and helped them make crafts. It was rather fulfilling," continued Aunt Maia, who appeared entirely oblivious to the fact that she had completely fallen out of her drawl.

"I moved to West Virginy in forty-seven, a good time after the end of the second war, and I took up farmin'. It was a good haul, that," reminisced Elder Benjy, giving little indication of just _what_ he did in Canada for twenty-years.

"Your mum grew up in Argentina for a time, and then when she was a good bit older we moved up to the states. We lived in Jersey for a time, but when she was seventeen she joined them riveters to help the war effort. She got herself a good steady job after the war in Delaware in an industrial city not far from here. I moved o'er to West Virginia to work as a mine aide."

"What's a mine aide?" asked Lummy, who was very curious about her long lost family.

"Well, mines require all sorts of pulleys and sorts to bring food and such down. Mine aides help set those up and run the shops in mining towns," proclaimed Aunt Maia rather knowledgeably.

"And that's where I met darling Maia," added Elder Benjy.

Once again Lily, who was one of the most perceptive in their circle, noticed that something was very slightly amiss with how Aunt Maia and Elder Benjy talked about their past. And why did they keep slipping in and out of those accents? Remus may have noticed such sundry details, but Sasha Tsukino seemed to preoccupy the majority of his time.

Gerald Afbetoqui stared for a long time at Elder Benjy, and whispered "Elder" to himself and then looked straight at Jude.

"I 'spect I came 'long after that, Maw and Paw," remarked Jude, a boyish smile filling his handsome face.

"What about Mum?" questioned Harold inquisitively, who had never properly heard the story about her parents. Lummy nodded her assent as Sirius squeezed her affectionately.

"I known this story, Maw and Paw. Can I tell it to cuzin' Harold?" asked Jude, his dark eyes sparkling.

"Sure, sweetheart," answered Aunt Maia, ruffling her son's hair.

"Well, I 'spect Aunt Selene was a-workin' as a riveter, you know, like Rosie. And Uncle Drake – well, I s'pose he was Drake de La Warr back then, some Lord's son. You know, Mum, I always did wonder how Lords were around so long…"

"Jude, tell the story properly to your cousins, we don't need to know about some sort of English history this side of the ocean," snapped Aunt Maia, her sweet demeanor disappearing as her eyes flashed at her son. Jude looked frightened for a moment at his mother's about face, but continued –

"Anyhoo, Uncle Drake was a soldier in the war. He was hurt awful bad when he came back and your ma took care of him in the hospital. She was the prettiest nurse, and he was the handsomest soldier…"

'Papa _was_ handsome," thought Lummy Delaware, remembering her father's almost Scandinavian blonde hair and deep, almost forest green eyes. She felt a weight on her shoulder. Sirius had fallen asleep listening to the story that was fascinating to her, but incredibly boring to the Marauders. James appeared to be holding his eyes open, and Remus was staring blankly as though he were snoozing with his eyes open. Sasha was not much better, but Lily Evans was drinking in every drop of the story as though her life depended on it.

"She wasn't as handsome as your father, but she never did seem to take after our family. My _father_ said that our family _used_ to look like her, but something had happened," interrupted Aunt Maia, her face suddenly serious, "He always liked her best."

"They…um…fell in love? But Uncle Drake's family didn't want them to marry, because Aunt Selene wasn't their kind. I'm not sure what that means, but Uncle Drake waited until _his_ paw died, and he got the farm," finished Jude rather lamely.

Harold had a tear in her eye. She looked over to her sister, and found that Lummy was still smiling. Didn't she remember how papa died?

Lummy watched Harold cry. She supposed that she ought to feel sad, but _something_ was missing from the story.

"We'd best go," said Elder Benjy, grasping his son and holding his wife's hand. They left quietly, as everyone else stood up and waived goodbye.

Lily Evans stood and stared at the window long after Elder Benjy and Aunt Maia had driven away. Why did even Jude, who had grown up in West Virginia, sometimes lapse into such perfect English? And at times, his handsome face demonstrated such _strong_ emotions. Once again, his joy seemed contained only by his kindness, and for the second time, Lily thought that Jude must have been a very frightening little boy.

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**Name Meanings**:

(1) Bonaventure – means _lucky­, _the same as Hermes

(2) Jude – means _praise_, the same as the name Aeneas, a friend of Hermes

(3) Maia –In Greek and Roman mythology she was the eldest of the Pleiades, the group of seven stars in the constellation Taurus, who were the daughters of Atlas and Pleione.

(4) Benjy – homonym of "Banji", the word for the second born of twins

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Can you guess what all this has to do with anything…in a review?


	33. A Grand Finale

**Chapter Thirty-three: A Grand Finale**

James woke up at seven o'clock. It was very cold. He almost opened the curtains around his bed. However, he soon thought better of it, and drifted back to sleep.

James woke up at eight-twenty. Sirius was up; his voice was wafting through the boys' dormitory.

"Oi, James…"

But James was back asleep.

James woke up at eight-fifty-five. He tore out of bed and noticed that the dormitory was eerily quiet. _It was Graduation Day_. _Graduation Ceremonies began at nine o'clock_. _Lily was going to slaughter him and hang his bones out to dry_.

_He ran around looking frantically for where he had placed his **Head Boy Graduation Robes**_._ They were no where to be seen. He checked his bed, the top of his canopy, Sirius' trunk, Sirius' bed, the floor. He ran to the common room and it still wasn't there. _

Finally, he checked his own trunk. It was at the very top, wrapped in plastic fresh from the drycleaners with a note in Lily's handwriting – "Don't Be Late, Love Lils." But he already was? It was eight-fifty-eight. He threw on the robes, ran a hand through his untidy locks, and sprinted to the Great Hall.

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Lily Evans woke up at eight-thirty, had a quick breakfast, and got ready for the Graduation Ceremonies. She had done a sweet thing and gotten James' robes dry-cleaned for him to wear today. Perhaps she should go wake him up – but she didn't like going up the boys' dormitory stairs.

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Gerald Afbetoqui woke in his apartment in Hogsmeade at eight-thirty-five. He woke with the same headache that had greeted his mornings for as long as he could remember. He always had visions in the early morning – his blessing was a curse. Quickly, he separated the various images in his mind.

_Today was going to be perfect_.

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James arrived to skip up to his seat on the stage that was at the front of the Great Hall where the Head table was supposed to be. The four House tables were replaced by hundreds of seats for all of the adoring parents who were watching their children graduate. There was a smattering of underclass students – including the beaming Amy Moran – a sullen Lucy Phelps – and even Regulus Black. The graduates were sitting directly in front of the stage, in alphabetical order, all houses melded together. He glanced over them to find his friends –

Sirius Black was in the front row, next to his scowling, pale cousin Narcissa. His black hair was swept back, the bangs falling artfully past his ears. The dark, scarlet red was very becoming, and his blue eyes were twinkling. He was looking nervously at James, but longingly at Lummy, who was sitting a mere seat away from him. Damn that Chang boy!

Lummy or, as her nametag finally read, Luhrmalleen Delaware, was sitting next to her elder sister. Strange that she would be graduating a year earlier than planned – and what a year it was! Her deep green eyes were sparkling, a small smile curved into her mouth. She stared at James – why was he so late?

Ashley Turpin was lounging all the way in the back, her stunning blue robes were gathering at her feet, trying to pass notes to her best friend Clarissa Waters. Patrick Sweeney was trying to talk to her again, that clumsy oaf. Luckily, the good-natured boy was stuck next to Severus Snape, who hissed at him each time he tried to move. Remus Lupin almost fell asleep waiting for James, but a well placed throw from Gerald Afbetoqui woke him up.

Lily Evans watched James glance over the crowd. It seemed that every single student looked nervous or worried…except the imperturbable Gerald Aftbetoqui, who was as calm as ever as he peered nonchalantly at the lovely Harold Delaware. She twirled the ring on her finger. It was as beautiful as the day she had received it, although he had never spoken of marriage after his impassioned proposal.

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Dumbledore strode up to the podium, pointed his wand at his throat, and magically magnified his voice. The Great Hall became silent, and the lights suddenly dimmed.

"It is a pleasure to see that you seventh years have survived your years at Hogwarts. There was, of course, a time when such things were rare, although that time has thankfully passed. I myself have survived a good thirty or so years at this esteemed institution…therefore, I think the logic is that if I can, so shall you. However, such talk is mundane – and my speech is wanting – so I now give you Lillian Evans, our Head Girl."

James watched Lily stride up to the podium, her lovely auburn hair thrown behind her. She looked…nervous, perhaps? She cleared her throat, and the Great Hall looked oddly blurry behind her silhouetted form. And at that moment, as cliché and awkward as it sounded in his mind, James knew that she was the most beautiful thing that he had ever encountered.

"_I didn't think that Hogwarts was the school for me when I arrived here. The students were capable of magic; a skill I thought didn't exist. My so-called magical abilities were merely coincidences, freaks of nature that had turned my sister and former-best-friend Petunia against me. I was ready to leave almost as soon as I had disembarked the platform. _

_But day by day, I was able to do it, feel the warmth in my fingers as a spell appeared upon my lips. And soon, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I couldn't imagine being anything else. _

… _So here I am, proud and honored to be your Head Girl, and just as proud and honored to be affianced to your very own Head Boy – and former Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, and amazed that the world I never thought mine would own me so shortly afterwards. Thank you, Hogwarts Class of Nineteen-Seventy-Eight_!"

That seemed to be James' cue to stand. But – how funny – his feet were stuck to the floor. It was odd how the Great Hall was actually made of a new variety of adhesive. He finally stood up as Lily sat back down, and moved slowly to the podium. He had no idea what to say.

"_Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, witches and wizards…the Hogwarts Great Hall proudly presents – _

_Well, actually, just me, I suppose. Well, first off – I suppose congratulations are in order…not to all of you, although graduation is fair enough, but to the man I am proud and humbled to know – Monsieur Blaque, the Hogwarts record-holder for most detentions received, a number in the thousands, I believe_,"

James paused for the collective groan from the audience. Sirius stood up, did a tiny mock bow, and sat back down.

"_But enough drunken debauchery, I am here to impart advice, especially to all those who strive to be butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. Not to mention a few friends of mine who have a calling to be knife throwers and traveling musicians. Firstly, there is an excellent candlestick making enterprise already underway, and therefore I suggest that those headed to that career path rethink their choices. However, more importantly, enjoy what you do, damnit! Nobody cares how many Galleons you truck home if you are grouchy. _

…_In any case, despite my propensity to impart faulty advice, I hope you are satisfied, and pleased with the last speech that James Potter will ever give. Adios, la clase del ano setenta-ocho!" _

Once James sat down, Dumbledore stood again. Strangely enough, he beckoned towards Sirius to stand. There was a wave of whispers – _why was Sirius being called to the podium? _ He wasn't the Head Boy or Head Girl! Only Gerald Afbetoqui did not appear the least bit surprised – he knew that Sirius Black had been present at the Hogwarts Graduation Ceremonies since the tender age of thirteen.

"_I am sure that a number of you are suitably surprised to see me in front of all of you – after all, I do have the most detentions ever received, one thousand-three hundred-and seventy-four, to be precise. Most of them imparted by mein most beloved, Minerva McGonagall_."

Sirius gave a nod to Professor McGonagall, who blushed surprisingly.

"_However, I have been giving out the Sirius Black Fan Girl Award for many years thus far. It is given to a girl in the graduating class who has demonstrated love of learning, kindness, deportment, and high achievement. Past winners include Gwenog Jones, Miriam Strout, and post-graduation honors were awarded to Millicent Bagnold_."

Sirius paused obligingly as many in the audience offered shocked gasps, including Professor Slughorn, whose eyes had grown wide with excitement with Sirius' name-dropping.

"_It is therefore my great delight, and supreme pleasure, to present this year's SBFGA to…_"

The audience was waiting with bated breath, although Ashley Turpin had prematurely dusted off her robes as though she was preparing to walk down the center aisle to receive the prestigious prize.

_"…Sasha Tsukino_."

Another collective gasp was held, as a very surprised Sasha Tsukino stepped out of her seat. It appeared as though every single member of the SBFC was staring at her with unmitigated dislike. Sasha herself was staring unflatteringly at Sirius in disbelief. Remus looked tremendously jealous of his friend. Sirius took one haughty look around the Great Hall, cleared his throat, and began once more –

"_You may all be wondering…in fact, I am quite sure that you are wondering, given your shocked visages and slack jawed expressions, what has prompted this choice. Contrary to popular belief, I am not the entire committee. However, I supported this particular choice wholeheartedly. Why was this award not given to Head Girl Lillian Evans – who surely demonstrates each of these characteristics? Or President of the SBFC Ashley Turpin – who is certainly a paragon of achievement? Perhaps even our newest students – Harold Afbetoqui…_" Gerald had just joined the remainder of the crowd in slack jawed disbelief "…_and Luhrmalleen Delaware were worthy? I think we can all agree that my favorite person in the world is Lummy. However, let me ask you – who helps every single first year who has a question about a class, at any time? Who was Ravenclaw prefect for three years? Who offered to manage the Ravenclaw Quidditch team despite certain bad experiences with the game? Therefore, I hope you will all join me in applauding Hogwarts' very own, Sasha Tsukino_."

Sirius gave Sasha a trophy that appeared to be a little girl surrounded by a hag, a werewolf, and a fwooper. Sasha smiled, gave Sirius a friendly kiss on the cheek (which was caught by the photographers from Witch Weekly and the Magical Enquirer) and said only three words.

"_Oh, the irony_."

Dumbledore got up from his stately chair, and announced,

"_Congratulations, **Class of Nineteen-Seventy-Eight**_!"

A flurry of tasseled hats were tossed into the air, yielding a pleasing mixture of scarlet, green, black, and grey, accenting the Hogwarts' crest.

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Only seven months after my _own_ high school graduation…

…review, por favor


	34. To be a Troubadour

**Chapter Thirty-four: To be a Troubadour **

Sirius Black was very pleased with how yesterday had turned out. He had tiptoed out as soon as the graduation ceremony had properly commenced, and turned up in a bar in Muggle London. He rather regretted not saying a proper goodbye to Lummy, but she seemed desperate to start her auditions with the circus or whatever she was part of, and he was determined not to stand in her way. He had just walked into an Irish-owned bar, where he saw a sign on the notice board.

"_The Feedback_ (the winner of the recent St. Patrick's Day Contest in Limerick) is holding auditions for those who aspire to be traveling musicians. All instruments are welcome. To audition – please arrive before the seventh in Dublin and enquire at the _Four Leafed Clover Tavern_." (1)

It was just the thing that Sirius had been looking for – a band who wished for his assistance. There was just one problem – Sirius didn't actually play an instrument. He spent the rest of the time in the bar thinking of different instruments he could play and downing shot glasses full of vodka. It was rather disappointing that muggle liquor was not at the same level as proper firewhisky. He had just swallowed his seventh glass when the barman refused to give him anymore.

"I don't want to be responsible for what happens, sir."

Sirius thought that this was a bit rich, especially since they hadn't even realized that he was only seventeen. However, the buzz he had gotten enabled him to think of a proper instrument on the way back to his luxurious apartment. It was a _keyboard-guitar_. Instead of strings at the top, there would be an electric synthesizer. Two instruments in one – _imagine_!

He fell asleep sprawled on an armchair, his hands clutching a sketch of a key-guitar.

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Luhrmalleen Delaware was very annoyed. Three different circus companies had declined her request to be a knife thrower. It was a most obnoxious idea that sweet blonde girls were not capable of wielding knives and throwing them at startling speeds. It was really gender discrimination at its worst. She thought for a moment, and decided that _no one_ would get the better of Luhrmalleen Delaware. And then she did a most extraordinary thing – she Apparated to Montreal.

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Lillian Evans had just submitted her application to be a Healer at St. Mungo's. Dumbledore _and_ Professors Flitwick and Slughorn had agreed to write recommendations for her. She had pored over her essays, and now there it was the time to wait. She had met Ashley Turpin at her new job in the Ministry when she was passing through there to pick up the proper paperwork. That Ashley was really a delightful girl, a bit conceited, but delightful nonetheless. Lily smiled, _no wonder Sirius dated her_.

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Harold Delaware had become a lobbyist for _Supporters of Dangerous Creatures_ (SDC). Her transfiguration powers were much sought after, especially from the capacity of their clients to inflict horrific amounts of harm on their employees. She had been sent on her first mission without any training, since, as the kind witch had stated,

"Most of our victims…er…employees, receive their training _on the job_."

So here she was, back at Hogwarts, knocking on Hagrid's door.

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Gerald Afbetoqui had visions that were becoming more and more frequent. He thought that he ought to speak to Dumbledore, but he could not even decipher what they meant. One moment, he saw a flash of blinding green light, and the next; he saw a happy family in a rural town. Were there two realities, or were they the same reality – only distantly related?

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Remus Lupin and Sasha Tsukino were holidaying in San Diego while James was in Northern California, handling the pressures of being Sirius' agent. Sasha had applied to be in the Control of Magical Creatures Department before she had left, and Remus had reacted in a surprising manner. He was happy with his position in the Muggle World, especially since they were not aware of his condition.

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So here Sirius was, lounging in Dublin, sipping a tankard of ale. It really was something out of a Muggle fairy-tale, although perhaps a leprechaun instead of a wizard. But, Sirius mused, who was checking? The barman here was not named Tom, but Brendan O'Malley, which, if Sirius bothered to think about it, was a rather curious name for a barman. Nevertheless, since he too did not bother to check Sirius' ID (or rather, James' identification) and continued handing him tankards of alcohol, it did not trouble Sirius Black.

He had just put down his fourth tankard, and began to play his new instrument absentmindedly when a shaggy-haired man walked up. Sirius had cleverly charmed his instrument to sound absolutely fantastic when he played it, for as ashamed as he was to admit it, Sirius was no musician. However, he felt that his rock-star persona and shocking moves more than made up for his lack of real talent.

"Are you James Potter, mate?"

"Unless he's being arrested, yes," quipped Sirius, leaning so that he almost fell off the bar stool.

The shaggy haired man smiled. He was young, about Sirius' age, with dark brown hair that fell past his ears. He had dark, inquisitive eyes that seemed to stare into Sirius' sapphire blue ones.

"Not that, he's getting an audition though. I'm Paul Hewson, frontman of the group you'll be traveling with – the Feedback."

"Fantastic. Why are you looking for another musician?" asked Sirius, giving Paul a piercing stare.

"Oh – one of our guys, Dik Evans, skived off on the band before our gig in March, and it's not the same without him," explained Paul. Sirius quirked an eyebrow at the surname "Evans", but otherwise nodded as if he understood. Another man, sporting a shorter haircut and donning glasses walked in, patted Paul on the back, and ordered a tankard from the barman.

"I'm Dave, if you're wondering, James _Potter_," began the new guy. Paul smiled at him, and added –

"Yes, Dave _Evans_, our fantastic guitarist."

"Another Evans?" asked Sirius inadvertently. Dave immediately stood up more defensively –

"You've got something against us, mate?"

"Nah, my best friend's girlfriend's name is Lillian Evans."

"Maybe we're distant cousins," said Dave, thoughtfully. Paul, once again, playing the part of the leader –

"Now then, are we going to chit-chat about Dave's _familia_, or is James going to play for us?"

Sirius immediately reached for his key-tar, and Dave looked at it interestedly.

"That instrument hasn't been invented yet."

"Well, I dabble in the electronic as well as the musical," replied Sirius rather mysteriously.

He immediately launched into a pitch-perfect rendition of _Just What I Needed_ (2), which was a touch too much pop for his taste, so Sirius added a new guitar riff to spice it up a bit. He transitioned smoothly from the seventies American kitsch into the more classic _Tainted Love_ (3). By the time he had finished, both Paul and Dave were staring at him wonderingly.

"That was bloody brilliant."

"Tour with us, love," added Dave. Both Paul and Sirius were shocked by Dave's rather uncharacteristic statement, but otherwise, Sirius was superbly pleased.

He was on his way to becoming a traveling musician.

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(1) This portion parallels the beginning of one of the most famous British bands worldwide, with some small alterations to fit the fan-fiction. Can anyone guess which band?

(2) The Cars

(3) The Ramones


	35. Luhrmallestique

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Luhrmall-estique**

Luhrmalleen made two very clear observations about Montreal in the first twelve minutes that she was there: They spoke very odd French, and it was rather cold. Cold for May, that is. She had attempted to teach herself French after she discovered that Sirius spoke it, but she had soon given up. However, she needed to find a hotel. A nice man was smoking outside of the store. She walked up to him, and asked –

"Parlez-vous Engl-ay?" (1)

"Oui. What is it, mademoiselle?"

"Oh good. Well, I was wondering which hotel would be good to stay at…"

"The Hilton at the corner is very fine, mademoiselle."

"Oh yes, I see it. Thank you, sir."

She picked up her single bag and trounced off to the hotel.

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Ashley Turpin was having a very busy morning. She had just met James Potter's fiancé; she was such a lovely girl. Sirius, in the short time they had dated, has lamented that James' efforts to catch her attention were always in vain.

"I'm going to take a little break," she announced to the office and her Department head.

"That's fine, Ash, just be back in ten."

The ministry food was very fine, although she had been wary of the cafeteria after the superb cuisine at Hogwarts, but her worries had been unfounded. Ashley dipped a single strawberry scone into her tea. It was rather an odd thing to do, but her attentions were elsewhere.

A very handsome young boy had walked into the Ministry. The Ministry café overlooked the entrance hall, so she could see him quite clearly without being visible. He had dark black hair, and dark, almost haunting eyes. He had the same uncanny confidence as the members of Sirius' family, but was somehow softer, kinder. Despite this, Ashley was reminded of someone, someone who she would have preferred to forget. She peered closer. He was inquiring at the front desk about where he could find out about his genealogy.

Ashley went back to her department, and decided to call upon her friend in charge of Ministry files.

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Gerald, Harold, James, Remus, and Sasha were all gathered in the Delaware estate. Sasha had tired of the gorgeous California Coast after her seventh sunburn, and Remus was only too happy to oblige, since he was unable to wear bathing suits because of his scars. James had tired quickly of the network executives, and Gerald's vision headaches were becoming more and more frequent.

"This morning, it had Ashley Turpin in it. And your cousin," remarked Gerald, massaging his temples.

"I think someone has a little crush on Ashley," mocked Harold, and fed her boyfriend tea.

"But it was different from my ordinary visions. I couldn't understand it at all. And I had the feeling that some of it had already happened."

"Don't be so negative."

James had just gone out to get the mail and the paper. He was donning a sitcom-perfect plaid bathrobe and steaming coffee mug.

"Lummy's in the paper, and there's a letter for her from someone in California. Who does she know in California? There's a ton of stuff for Sirius. I guess this is his Muggle address."

"What's in the paper about Lummy," inquired Gerald.

"I think you already know, but I'll read it."

**_Local Girl Rises to Fame_ –-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**Narcissa Avery nominated for Oscar –**_

Although it is not a well known fact that Narcissa Avery hails from the fine state of Delaware, we would all like to congratulate her on being nominated for _Best Supporting Actress _and _Best Make-up_ in the film **Peter's Struggle** that was released just two months ago. Our more knowledgeable readers may wonder why the Academy Awards are held in July this year, but the story seems to be that a very prominent actor complained that it was too cold in February, and as a result, the award show has been moved for his convenience. Several other award shows have refused to "pander to the whims of celebrities" including the Emmy's and the Golden Globes, but it seems only a matter of time once Oscar has had his say.

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"The prominent actor was Sirius, by the way," added James.

"Really?" asked Sasha.

"Yea, it was Slughorn's party. He kept going on and on about how nobody wanted to get awards in February because it was the worst month of the year. The network executives heard him, and apparently did something about it," recalled Remus.

"This letter is an invitation. It's for all of us," read Harold, almost in awe.

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_Dear Narcissa Avery,_

_We would like to congratulate you on your nominations for Best Supporting Actress and Best Make-up in the upcoming Academy Awards. Due to our inability to contact a few of the members of your cast and crew, we would also like to forward the following invitation to others involved in the film, Peter's Struggle:_

_Best Actor: Rufus Scrimgeour_

_Best Director: Rome Lycan_

_Best Picture: Peter's Struggle (Jimsie Potts & Rome Lycan)_

_Best Cinematography: Jimsie Potts_

_Best Film Editing: Gerald Afbetoqui_

_Best Sound Editing: Sasha Tsukino_

_Best Original Score: Lillian Evans_

_Best Sound Mixing: Sasha Tsukino _

_Best Original Screenplay: Rome Lycan_

_Best Costume Design: Harold Delaware_

_Best Original Song: Shelby Summers _

_Best Visual Effects: Rufus Scrimgeour_

_We hope to see your family and friends on the seventh of July._

_Regards,_

_Howard Koch,_

_President, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences_

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"I didn't know it had a score," remarked Harold.

"Well, that's what all that cool music was from. We had to get music rights from Keane," answered Remus, puffing out his chest in pride.

"Not to mention the fact that there was actually no real acting in this movie, it was all Magical Photoshop and Remus," bragged James, praising his friend.

This admission led to a rewarding kiss from Sasha Tsukino, who beamed happily upon Remus. A small card fluttered from the ornate envelope.

"We're supposed to RSVP so they can do seating arrangements, apparently," added Harold, picking up the card.

"We're all going," said Gerald, nonchalantly.

James looked at him oddly for a moment, then said –

"Well, that settles it, doesn't it?"

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Lummy had just arrived at the Hilton in Montreal, where she was already being plagued for autographs by adoring fans. She had unfortunately forgotten to don a disguise when checking into the hotel, even though she had adopted the pseudonym "Amelia". The TV show _Sirius, the Teenage Wizard_ now ran five days a week, in over twelve different languages. The piracy of single episodes now ran rampant over the internet, since instead of "season DVDs", "monthly episode DVDs" were being sold. Plotlines were auctioned widely, as well as speculation regarding the death of a character. Lummy smiled ruefully at the last thought – it was highly unlikely that in this most real of reality shows – that a character would die.

A tap was heard on the door.

"Yes?"

"Miss, would you like to take a telephone call?" The concierge had been wary of such communication since the twenty phone calls that had been placed in the first ten minutes, all asking for a chance to speak with _Miss Avery_.

"Who's calling?"

"A Mister James Potter, from Dublin."

Lummy frowned. James was not in Ireland, he was holidaying in Delaware with her sister. However, it was not a name that most people would be familiar with, so she took the call.

"Hello darling," came a suave voice from over the line. Lummy chuckled, this was definitely _not_ James.

"Hello Sirius. How did you know I was here?"

"I have my ways," Sirius replied, mysteriously.

"Why are you in Dublin?"

"I've got a spot in a great band. They're all our age, and simply amazing. Apparently they won some Muggle contest in March."

"Do they know who you are?"

"No. I go by James, James Potter."

"Don't be a twit, love. I've been trying to find this gentleman here in Montreal. His name's Laliberté and he's a superb performance artist."

Lummy heard Sirius making a choking noise in the background.

"Art thou faithful?"

"Of course, mein liebling."

"Then why the gentleman? And French? Mon dieu!"

"Enough French love, I hear enough of it here. Owl me when you can, darling."

"Achtung, baby."

"That doesn't mean goodbye, sweetheart. Or hast thou forgotten thy Allemagne?"

"That's horrible French, and I was just thinking of a name for a song. The best part of a song is the name, you know."

"Au revoir."

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Guy Laliberté finally responded to the requests from Narcissa Avery. He seemed to be a very private man, and he questioned why she even knew of him. He lived in a small apartment near the center of the city.

"Miss Avery, it is a pleasure," greeted Monsieur Laliberté.

Lummy was struck at once by his theatrical personality. It was evident why he was renowned for being a superb street performer.

"Monsieur Laliberté, the pleasure is all mine. I have heard great things about your talents as a performer," responded Lummy, having rehearsed the perfect French pronunciation of the name during her telephone conversation with Sirius. She needed to be her ultimate Narcissa personality to succeed at this.

"It is difficult, is it not, to hear of such things about a mere street performer?" asked Laliberté, skeptically.

"Not if they are as good as you, Monsieur," replied Lummy cordially, adopting a casually flirting manner. Sirius would be proud, she thought.

"What do you want with me, Miss Avery?" continued Laliberté, looking pointedly at Lummy.

"I have a proposition," said Lummy.

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What is Lummy's proposition? Does anyone know? Hint: Look up Guy Laliberté on Wikipedia

(1) Can you speak English in _very_ bad French


	36. Monday, Bloody Monday

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Monday, Bloody Monday**

"C'mon mates, its time to roll out," called Larry Mullen, drummer for _the Feedback_. Sirius smiled beatifically, what right did _McGonagall _have to tell him that he couldn't be a traveling musician?

"Larry, I can't find any clothes," complained Evans. Sirius was suddenly struck with a rather vivid memory of when they had bewitched all of Snape's school uniforms into frilly pink dress robes.

"That's because you never do any damn laundry," retorted the drummer.

"_James_, can I see your key-tar again?" asked Evans, jumping about into a pair of trousers.

"What are we doing today that is so important?" queried Sirius, looking pointedly at Paul.

"We are doing a demo tape for CBS," replied Paul rather nonchalantly.

"Whoa – I've never played a single song," lamented Sirius.

"Nah, you're a natural."

"What songs are we demo-ing?"

A man clad in all black, looking particularly knowledgeable, strolled up.

"We've got to leave, loves," suggested Adam, who seemed to know a great deal about music. Paul turned back to Sirius after glancing for a moment at Adam –

"Well, we've got this new one called _Monday, Bloody Monday_. Something about the work week being too dull. Very apropos right now. And _Another Day_."

"Mate, you need something German in there," joked Sirius.

"Why's that?"

"Well, German's have the I'm so angry and bloody awesome thing going on…I think we should channel that," explained Sirius, remembering how they had bewitched Trey Connelly their third year to go around pretending to be Kaiser Wilhelm II.

"You may have something there," noted Paul, enigmatically.

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In the meantime, Harold and Sasha Tsukino decided to go Oscar dress shopping in New York. This time, their disguises were much more exciting and high class. Harold had swept up her blonde hair into a long ponytail, donned bright pink sunglasses and a pink blazer a la Legally Blonde. A pair of glittery heels and a bag completed the outfit. Sasha's beautiful black hair was down, tinted sunglasses covering her grey eyes. She looked much more business like in a three piece suit and black boots.

"Aren't we lovely?" quipped Lily, who had just Apparated into New York.

"When will you hear from St. Mungo's?" asked Sasha.

"In a week or so, and then, if I'm lucky, I'll go through seven months of intense training," replied Lily, somewhat defeated.

"Don't worry, darling, if anyone would make it, it'd be you," reassured Harold truthfully.

"What are you going to do after this summer?"

"Well, I'm a lobbyist for the SDC, but there aren't that many cases on the docket right now," answered Harold, referring to her job defending hideous animals.

"And you, Sasha?"

"I hate to say it – but after Sirius' award, the job offers just came pouring in. I think I'll do some ambassadorial work with Department of International Magical Cooperation. I don't really like Crouch, though."

Lily made a face. She approved of the Potters' house elves, but that way that man treated his servants was _disgusting_.

"Dolce and Gabbana!" shrieked Sasha, and ran off.

"I prefer Oscar de la Renta myself," joked Harold, admitting that she had never shopped for a dress that was quite so expensive before.

Lily smiled. She was shopping.

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"Hullo, boys," greeted Mr. Heyden of CBS records enthusiastically.

"It's a pleasure to see you again Mr. Heyden. This is James Potter, he's replacing Dik," explained Paul, who seemed genuinely glad to see Jackie Heyden.

"You look very familiar. Have you demo-d for me before?" asked Mr. Heyden, surveying Sirius carefully. Sirius almost blanched – he had barely changed his appearance – just donned a set of artsy spectacles and a bright green tie to wear with a black shirt and trousers. He flipped back some of his slightly long hair –

"I don't believe so, sir. I just started playing."

Dave, who had taken a great liking to "James", threw an arm around Sirius' shoulders and bragged –

"James made his own instrument. It's bloody amazing."

"Well, aren't you sharp, Evans," teased Adam.

"That's because he's _the Edge_," added Sirius, laughing.

"Hey – I kind of like that," mused Dave, staring at Sirius.

"Like what?" asked Sirius, confused.

"That nickname. I think I'm going to use it. Dave Evan…_the Edge_," answered Dave, smiling.

"Well, that is wonderful, boys. Now, I need some background on you all before you demo – don't worry, we're not the police," quipped Mr. Heyden. Sirius looked around nervously again – where had he gone to school? He did a complicated non-verbal spell to summon information to his mind.

"Well, er – we all, except James, went to school at Dublin Mount Temple School. In Dublin, of course," replied Paul Hewson.

"And one day Larry was bit bored with his drum set, so here we are," added Adam.

"How about you, James?"

"Well, I was in a …pub…lic…library in London, and I saw the notice on the bulletin board to come audition. And they were very receptive."

Larry almost started choking with laughter.

"Any schooling, James?"

"Er…I went to Eton College. I just graduated," lied Sirius.

"Eton? That's quite impressive, James."

"Thank you, sir. Those beaks (1) were not as fond of me as I was of them, I'm afraid. I had a bloody hard time making Sixth Form Selects (2)," continued Sirius, affecting a slightly more high-brow accent.

"That's wonderful; I'm an Old Etonian myself. No university, James?"

"'Fraid not, even though Eton blue (3) was always number one for me. A few too many Rips (4), if you know what I mean," laughed Sirius, surprised at how believable he sounded.

Mr. Heyden simply beamed at Sirius in a fatherly fashion, and they began recording their demo tape.

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A week later, _the Feedback_ was doing another gig in Dublin. Sirius was looking over the song lyrics in the van. He looked on thoughtfully.

"Hello Dublin! Are you ready for…_the Feedback_?"

cheers from the crowd

"I'm Paul Hewson – and we give you, _the Edge_, Adam Clayton, James Potter, and Larry Mullen!"

further cheering

"_Wake up  
The dawn of another dull day  
Take up  
Your dreams and on your way  
Oh oh ooh_

_- _

_Daylight  
Mother stands in the hall  
Last night  
Head against the wall  
Oh oh ooh_

_- _

_When night turns to day  
And the children come out to play  
Another day_

_- _

_Stop, shake out  
They came my way  
Oh oh ooh..._

_- _

_Boy, salute in a street uniform  
Toy, soldier ripped and torn  
Oh oh ooh_

_- _

_When night turns to day  
And the children come out to play  
Another day_

_- _

_Stop, shout  
They came my way  
Oh oh ooh"_

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"I'm bloody tired, Hewson," complained Larry Mullen.

"That was awesome though, did you hear them cheer?" said Adam.

"Two weeks of touring is fantastic. Where are we going next?" added Sirius, bouncing a rubber ball up and down on the floor.

"Paris…Rome!" shrieked Evans, drunkenly.

"Excuse me, may I speak with James Potter?" asked a pretty girl with a notepad.

"Speaking," said Sirius, and then started laughing hysterically.

"We're heard about how you and Paul are revolutionizing music with _the Feedback_. Where do you plan on going from here?"

"Oh, the usual. Ultimate fame, drugs, and death," joked Sirius.

"Come now, Mr.…wait…"

The girl's eyes had gotten wide with amusement and triumph.

"You're not James Potter."

"Says who," retorted Sirius, angrily.

"You're on television _everywhere_. I can't believe no one has noticed yet. You're _Rufus Scrimgeour_."

Sirius nonverbally Stunned the girl and then turned to his bandmates.

"Let's go."

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"What the hell was that all about, _Potter_?" demanded Paul Hewson angrily.

"I can explain," answered Sirius, weakly.

"Wow, you're – _Rufus Scrimgeour_?" asked Larry.

"Mate, your TV show is bloody awesome. That chick is gorgeous," mused Evans.

"I didn't want to be in the spotlight anymore. It was getting too much," continued Sirius.

"So you joined a rock band?" queried Adam, confused.

"I'm going to quit and go back to America. But you guys have to come visit me. You can meet all my friends from H…school. And all the gorgeous chicks I know," laughed Sirius, suddenly surprised that he was going to miss all these guys he'd just met.

"From Eton?" added Adam.

"From Eton," amended Sirius.

"James, you can't quit – you have great ideas – at least let me see what you've done with those lyric sheets you keep borrowing from me," lamented Paul, his eighteen-year-old eyes looked genuinely sad.

"Well, first off – don't be the _Feedback_. It's not a cool name."

"What then?"

"I was thinking Dragon Lady?"

"Like a Chinese Woman?"

"Like the United States Surveillance Aircrafts from the 60s – the U-2s."

"What else, then?"

Sirius grinned sheepishly.

"I re-wrote _Monday, Bloody Monday_. Nobody wants that song."

"Hey – I wrote that!" complained Larry.

"Well, Larry, you're the drummer."

"Let's hear it, then," demanded Evans.

"_Yes..._

_- _

_I can't believe the news today  
Oh, I can't close my eyes and make it go away  
How long...  
How long must we sing this song?   
How long? How long..._

_- _

_'cause tonight...we can be as one  
Tonight..._

_- _

_Broken bottles under children's feet  
Bodies strewn across the dead end street  
But I won't heed the battle call  
It puts my back up  
Puts my back up against the wall_

_- _

_Sunday, bloody Sunday  
Sunday, bloody Sunday  
Sunday, bloody Sunday (Sunday bloody Sunday...)  
(all right lets go!)_

_- _

_And the battle's just begun  
There's many lost, but tell me who has won  
The trench is dug within our hearts  
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart_

_- _

_Sunday, bloody Sunday  
Sunday, bloody Sunday_

_- _

_How long...  
How long must we sing this song?  
How long? How long..._

_- _

_'cause tonight...we can be as one  
Tonight...  
Tonight..._

_- _

_Sunday, bloody Sunday (tonight)  
Tonight  
Sunday, bloody Sunday (tonight)  
(come get some!)_

_- _

_Wipe the tears from your eyes  
Wipe your tears away  
Wipe your tears away  
I wipe your tears away  
(Sunday, bloody Sunday)  
I wipe your blood shot eyes  
(Sunday, bloody Sunday)_

_- _

_Sunday, bloody Sunday (Sunday, bloody Sunday)  
Sunday, bloody Sunday (Sunday, bloody Sunday)  
(here I come!)_

_- _

_And it's true we are immune  
When fact is fiction and TV reality  
And today the millions cry  
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die_

_- _

_The real battle yet begun (Sunday, bloody Sunday)  
To claim the victory Jesus won (Sunday, bloody Sunday)  
On..._

_- _

_Sunday bloody Sunday  
Sunday bloody Sunday..."_

_- _

"That was extraordinary," said Adam, staring at Sirius with something akin to awe.

"You religious, mate?" asked Paul, looking pointedly at Sirius.

"Let's just say, I've found the magic, shall we?" replied Sirius rather blasphemously –

"I'll see you all, then?"

Dave Evans looked strangely emotional as Sirius gathered up his things that had been lying in the team caravan for almost three weeks.

"How will we find you, er – Rufus?"

Sirius winced upon hearing the name.

"I'll send you an owl."

Adam's eyes became as wide as saucers.

"A real owl?"

"That way you'll know it's me."

Soon most of the band members bid goodbye to Sirius as he made preparations to "catch a taxi to take to the airport". Paul Hewson was the last to leave.

"So this is it, _Bonne Voix_ (4)," joked Sirius, tears almost coming to his handsome face.

"What's that, Rufus?"

"It's French, for Good Voice. I sure hope you get one sometime soon, mate."

"It reminds me of something my friend used to call me."

Paul turned to leave.

"Paul?"

"Yes?"

"Call me Sirius."

Paul turned once more. He turned back to see his friend one last time before they both disappeared into their respectively famous lives. But Sirius wasn't there. And all of things were gone. Paul smiled. He had a feeling that none of them ever really met James Potter.

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(1) Means "teachers" in Eton Slang

(2) Sixth form Selects is the same thing as Prefects. Unfortunately, Sirius wasn't either.

(3) Eton blue means you played either cricket or rowed at Eton.

(4) Rips imply that the work done is substandard - and is torn as a mark, and must then be submitted for inspection. This seems more accurate, considering Sirius' personality.

(5) French for Good Voice, but more importantly, a predecessor of Paul Hewson's famous alter ego – _Bono_ (Vox)

For anyone who still doesn't understand – the band that Sirius was temporarily part of was U2, the British band that officially formed in the summer of 1978. Both "Another Day" and "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" are actual songs by the band. The US surveillance plane is actually the inspiration for the name – because it was seen by the Soviets and created one major crisis during the Cold War.


	37. The Red Carpet Beckons

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: The Red Carpet Beckons**

Joan Rivers (1) and her daughter, Melissa Rivers (2), were standing on the red carpet, ready to do their award show "thing" for the E! True Hollywood Television Network. Melissa Rivers looked like a younger version of her mother, who resembled someone who had tried to stretch out her age as far as it would go. And it had snapped.

"Rufus is coming," said Melissa, to her mother, almost nonchalantly.

"I heard, with that tramp of a fiancé," replied the elder Ms Rivers rather invectively.

"Fiancé?" gasped Melissa, moving around her stunning gown to become more comfortable for the several hour ordeal she was about to undertake.

"Narcissa Avery," spat Joan.

"But mother, she's not a tramp. She's rather pretty," wailed Melissa.

Joan Rivers simply shook her head, and stood near the microphone.

"Hullo everyone – I'm Joan Rivers here at the red carpet before the Oscars – why, I do believe that's John Travolta I see!"

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"Who wears ties nowadays?" complained Sirius as Lummy tied his tie around his neck.

"Everyone, darling," soothed Lummy as she tightened it.

"Why don't you wear a tie, liebling(3)," returned Sirius, putting an arm around Lummy as she was close to him, holding his tie.

"Because I would look silly wearing that shirt. Besides, they don't make ties my size," laughed Lummy, wriggling out of Sirius' arm.

"They make ties in every size, love," replied Sirius, leaning in to kiss his girlfriend.

A camera in the corner caught every moment.

"You look absolutely stunning, Sasha," praised Lily, her green silk Armani trailing the ground.

"I didn't think that Mr. Saint Laurent was going to just offer me a dress to wear," blushed Sasha, a swathe of grey silk and lace clouding around her lithe form. Harold traipsed down the stairs, her blonde hair tied up in an elaborate twist. She wore a very simple black gown, claiming that she preferred to be away from "fuss and feathers".

"Did anyone hear a thump downstairs?" asked Harold, cheekily.

"Why, should we have?" questioned Lily, looking almost worried.

"Oh, only that Sirius probably keeled over upon seeing my dear sister."

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The Rufus Scrimgeour Entourage arrived at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion when the crowd had already begun to mull around. Sirius was the first to exit the limousine, clasping a slender white hand that was extended from the door. Lummy stepped out, clad in a shimmering aquamarine.

"I've always wanted to do that, my dear."

"Didn't everyone?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harold and Gerald were the first to be accosted by Joan Rivers & Co.

"Now, refresh my memory – who are you two again?"

Harold noticed that they had turned off the cameras. They were probably on a commercial break.

"I'm Shelby Summers, and this is my husband Don Quixote."

It seemed that Melissa Rivers may have done a double take at this suggestion, but it was difficult to tell.

"Oh, so you have been nominated for best song?" blurted out Melissa, fanning herself.

"That's right."

"How long have you and er – Don, been together?" continued Joan rather amicably.

"Fifteen years last July," replied Gerald, smirking.

Harold turned her heel, and Gerald swept after her. It was not clear who was more shocked, Joan Rivers or her daughter. Next to be summoned was our favorite directing duo, "Jimsie Potts" and "Rome Lycan".

"Misters Potts and Lycan – why we have heard nothing but good things about you two!" gushed Melissa, ensuring that the cameras were definitely running for this moment. James looked slightly sheepish, since he hadn't really contributed very much to the production. On the other hand, Remus was very much in his element.

"Well, Miss Rivers, you are too kind. We're just a couple of lucky teen-twenty-something's with a camera. And who's to say that we'll even win anything?" lied Remus.

"With fourteen nominations, I'm sure we'll be seeing more of you tonight! That's the most since _All About Eve_ (4)! Now Miss Suskina, who made that lovely dress of yours?" asked Melissa.

Sasha blanched at the hideous pronunciation of her name, but answered cordially,

"It's an Yves Saint Laurent."

Joan Rivers smiled beatifically upon her, adding,

"It's so rare for him to give a dress to an unknown; you must have made some impression. And Miss Evans, where is that little number from?"

Lily blushed on James' arm, and replied –

"Armani."

"How darling! Now, where is that handsome actor friend of yours? We know that he _must_ be here," began Melissa.

"Oh – he'll show up," dismissed James airily, and disappeared with Lily on his arm.

As Joan and Melissa Rivers waited for the teen sensation, they ran into Fred Astaire, a very old Olivia de Havilland, Charlton Heston, Kirk Douglas, a lovely Diane Keaton, the inimitable Henry Mancini, a young Jack Nicholson, Sylvester Stallone, and a bevy of other luminaries.

But Joan only had eyes for the one.

He appeared moments before the Oscars would officially begin, slightly tipsy from Muggle liquor, but debonair as ever. Lummy was wrapped in his arms, much to Joan's dismay.

"It's Rufus Scrimgeour, the man of the hour! How do you feel about being at the Oscars for the first time?"

"It's bloody brilliant, love," returned Sirius in a surly voice.

"Have you thought about getting a girlfriend?" goaded Joan Rivers, throwing a nasty look at "Miss Avery".

"Hmm, not since I already have one, no?" retorted Sirius sarcastically.

"A real girlfriend, Rufie. Not this tramp," continued Joan, insulting Lummy.

It may have been the liquor, the goading voice of Joan Rivers, or just the temperament of Sirius himself. But he only hesitated a second before he punched her in the face on the red carpet at the 50th Oscars.

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(1) & (2) Although they usually give the red carpet commentary today, they didn't in 1978! But I thought I would include them. All the other details of the 1978 Oscars are accurate, except for who wins, of course.

(3) Liebling means darling in German

(4) _All about Eve_ was also nominated for fourteen Oscars, but in 1950

This chapter, and most probably the next two chapters are done in honor of the 78th Annual Oscars (being held tonight!)


	38. Oscar, Meet the Marauders

**Chapter Thirty-eight: Oscar, meet the Marauders**

Sirius sauntered in with Lummy on his arm, and made quite a sensation. At first there was some speculation as to whether they would remove him from the premises, but then everyone agreed that he had really done them a service. Hadn't every actor wanted to throw a punch at Joan Rivers once? And she was completely fine, a little shaken up, but otherwise in prime condition.

"Ladies and Gentleman, here we have Muhammad Ali," announced Warren Beatty when Sirius walked in.

"Actually, Warren, that was Rufus Scrimgeour," returned Jane Fonda, playing the foil for the joke.

"Well watch out American Boxing – Rufie's on the loose! In any case, we would like to welcome you all, minus Joan Rivers, to the 49th Annual Academy Awards. This is where all the times you threw knives at your co-star come to play, isn't that right Ellen?"

Ellen Burstyn, another co-host, emptied her pocket of knives.

"Now we present to you Sylvester Stallone and Muhammad Ali."

"The Supporting Actress embodies true acting – without the limelight, and all the difficulty," Muhammad Ali.

"The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Melinda Dilon for _Close Encounters of the Third Kind,_ Vanessa Redgrave for _Julia_, Narcissa Avery for _Peter's Struggle_, Quinn Cummings for _The Goodbye Girl_, and Leslie Browne for _The Turning Point_," read Stallone.

"And the Oscar goes to Narcissa Avery for _Peter's Struggle_."

Lummy almost tripped over her feet getting up. She stared bewildered at Sirius for a moment, then walked up to the stage. She grasped the Oscar from the presenter's hand.

"I really don't know what to say – every since my sister and I found our true ancestry – and that we're wi-…er – witty, we've embraced acting to its fullest. I'd like to thank my boyfriend Sirius, my sister Harold, Rome and Jimsie, Lily of course, Professors McGonagall, Slughorn and Dumbledore. Gerald, Sasha, the Gryffindor Qu-Chess Team. And the Academy."

Tatum O'Neal came up to present the Best Supporting Actor award, smiling as her lovely dress trailed behind her.

"I'm quite upset that I don't have Ali to watch my back like Sylvester over there! In any case, the nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: "Peter Firth for _Equus_, Maximilian Schell for _Julia_, Jason Robards also for _Julia_, Alec Guinness for _Star Wars_, and Mikhail Barshynikov for _The Turning Point_. And the Oscar goes to – Jason Robards for _Julia_!"

Tamara Dobson came to present the award for Best Costume Design. Harold was on the edge of her seat – would Joan Rivers recognize her as "Shelby Summers"?

"The nominees for Best Costume Design are: Edith Head and Burton Miller for _Airport_, Anthea Sylbert for _Julia_, Florence Klotz for _Little Night Music_, Harold Delaware for _Peter's Struggle_, and John Mollo for _Star Wars_. And the Oscar goes to Harold Delaware for _Peter's Struggle_!"

Harold jumped up in excitement and shrieked. She had not designed a single costume for the movie, mostly because it was made on magical Photoshop.

"Thanks everyone! I'd like to thank Gerald, the ventriloquist's son, my first grade teacher, my sister Lummy, Joan Rivers, Shelby Summers, Professor Slughorn, my mother, Voldemort, the dinosaur from Land Before Time, James, Remus, Sirius, Lily, Ashley Turpin, Amy Moran, and that other little girl. Sasha, the annoying girl from my tenth grade math class, Snow White, the seven dwarves. The sixteen children of my second uncle once removed. Ferrari, for making such great cars. Eloise Crumpleweed for having such a horrible name. The Dutch, for inventing cloth, because otherwise we couldn't have clothes, and we wouldn't have costumes…."

Harold was cut off by the music.

Jane Fonda came up to announce the winners for the various effects categories.

"The nominees for Best Visual Effects are: Roy Arbogast and Co for _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_, Rufus Scrimgeour for _Peter's Struggle_, John Stears and Co for _Star Wars_. And the Oscar goes to Rufus Scrimgeour for _Peter's Struggle_!"

Sirius stood up and staggered elegantly to the stage. He winked at the audience, which made them love him even more. They were already confused as to why he was being nominated for a non-acting award, but they merely accepted that Rufus Scrimgeour was a man of many talents. They didn't realize that there wasn't anyone doing any of these jobs.

"Hey everyone – I'd like to apologize to Joan Rivers. However, I dearly hope that this impromptu plastic surgery improves her face. Oh, and thanks everyone. You rock! I'd like to thank everyone Narcissa Avery thanked, and Lummy, of course. Also – Minerva, if you're watching – I send my love. Ashley, you're gorgeous as ever. Paul, Edge, Larry, and Adam, _the Feedback _rules!"

Jane Fonda (1) merely shook her head in confusion, and continued –

"The nominees for Best Sound are: Walter Goss for _The Deep_, Sasha Tsukino for _Peter's Struggle_, Robert Knudson for _Sorceror_, Don MacDougall for _Star Wars_, and Theodore Soderberg for _The Turning Point_. And, the Oscar goes to Sasha Tsukino for _Peter's Struggle_!"

Sasha stood gracefully and made her way down the aisle.

"Thank you! Much love to the hag, the werewolf, and the fwooper!"

This acceptance speech surprised everyone for a number of reasons, including (but not limited to) – its brevity and its utter unintelligibility.

Neil Diamond came up, and he must be praised for his presence of mind after seeing that particular acceptance speech.

"A song is memorable long after movie has had its run – we're all familiar with those old Casablanca favorites, not to mention the _Sound of Music_. It is my great pleasure to give you the nominees for Best Original Song: Al Kasha for _Pete's Dragon_, Shelby Summers for _Peter's Struggle_, Sammy Fain for _The Rescuers_, Marvin Hamlisch for _The Spy who Loved Me_, and Joseph Brooks for _You light up My Life_. And the Oscar goes to Shelby Summers for _Peter's Struggle_!"

A minute elapsed, and no lumbering opera star. Harold magicked a glamour over herself, and emerged four hundred pounds heavier.

"Hello Ladies and Gentleman. I am deeply happy and thankful this moment. God help children in South Africa. Amen."

Oddly enough, this was a characteristic speech for Shelby Summers and nobody batted an eyelid. Neil Diamond continued with the musical presentations, awarding the Oscar for Best Adapted Score.

"To compose an original score is a most difficult and tasking ordeal – and one not easily achieved. The nominees for Best Original Score are: Georges Delarue for _Julia_, Maurice Jarre for _The Message_, Lillian Evans for _Peter's Struggle_, Marvin Hamlisch for _The Spy who Loved Me_, and John Williams for _Star Wars_. And the Oscar goes to Lillian Evans for _Peter's Struggle_."

Lily looked supremely bewildered, but soon adopted her confident attorney persona.

"I am honored to be the recipient of such a prestigious award. I'd like to thank my fiancé Jimsie Potts, my friends Sirius, Lummy, Harold, Remus, Gerald, and Sasha. My Professors, The Ministry, and my parents. And my loving sister Petunia, even though she no longer speaks to me."

William Holden came to the stage to present the Oscar for Film Editing.

"The nominees for Best Film Editing are: Michael Kahn for _Close Encounters_, Walter Murch for _Julia_, Gerald Afbetoqui for _Peter's Struggle_, Walter Hanneman for _Smokey and the Bandit_, and Paul Hirsch for _Star Wars_. And the Oscar goes to Gerald Afbetoqui for _Peter's Struggle_!"

Gerald, who had already foreseen this event, was not at all surprised. He merely strolled up to the stage, collected his award, and said a few words. He knew how the audience would react to what he had said. In any case, he was only slightly amused by the events unfolding. He smiled mysteriously. Something far more exciting was on the horizon….

Donald Sutherland was presenting the award for Cinematography. This was one of the Academy's most prestigious Awards.

"The nominees for Best Cinematography are: Vilmos Zigmond for _Close Encounters_, Fred Konekamp for _Islands in the Stream_, William Fraker for _Looking for Mr. Goodbar_, Jimsie Potts for _Peter's Struggle_, and Robert Surtrees for _Turning Point_. And the Oscar goes to Jimie Potts for _Peter's Struggle_! That's the eighth Oscar tonight for Peter's Struggle folks!"

James walked up confidently, happy that Lily had mentioned him as "fiancé" in her acceptance speech.

"Hey everyone – I gave a speech like this not to long ago. Unfortunately, I can't use the same lines as last time because then it wouldn't make any sense. So, in turn, I thank everyone I can remember, and some I can't. Especially Lillian Evans, the most beautiful woman in the world. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her fiancé. She is definitely better looking than you. Auf wiedersehen loves."

To Be Continued…

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(1) Someone else actually presented this award, but this worked better for the story flow. See these two websites for the actual winners/presenters of the 49th Academy Awards (IMDb Academy Awards, and the Full Cast and Crew for the 49th Academy Awards)


	39. Marauders, meet the AfterParty

**Chapter Thirty-nine: Marauders, meet the Oscar After-Party**

"James, that was unnecessary!" whispered Lily rather invectively. But everyone around her told her to quiet down, because Liv Ullmann was making her way onto the stage.

"Now, I believe I have the most unenviable position tonight, because these are five very talented and handsome men who have been nominated for Best Actor! We have Woody Allen for _Annie Hall_, Richard Burton for _Equus_, Marcello Mastroianni for _Una Giornata Particulare_, Rufus Scrimgeour for _Peter's Struggle_, and John Travolta for _Saturday Night Fever_…"

No one would have believed it if they hadn't seen it, but Sirius was actually completely white for the ten seconds after the nominees were announced.

"And the Oscar goes to Rufus Scrimgeour for _Peter's Struggle_!"

Sirius shakily stood up. This was a real Oscar. Even if it weren't his face, it was his voice that had won something. He didn't need to be an American or a Muggle to understand that this was a big deal. A very big deal.

"Honestly everyone, for the first time in my life, I have no idea what to say. I'd like to thank everyone all over again, but in a bigger and better way. I'd like to thank my Professors for making sure my head isn't full of fluff, and all that jazz. I'd like to thank Jimsie and Rumsie for being superb roommates, because it's not easy being green. And the SBFC, but especially Amy Moran, because she's going to make one hell of a professional chaser some day! And of course, my dear Luhrmalleen Delaware, I'm not going to call you by that stupid name anymore, thank you for putting up with me and being gorgeous all the time."

The hall filled with thunderous applause as the musical cue tried to cut Sirius off, but failed. Louise Fletcher quickly rushed up to the stage the moment that Sirius had stepped off.

"Let's hear it for the _ladies_! The nominees for Best Actress are: Diane Keaton for _Annie Hall_, Marsha Mason for _the Goodbye Girl_, Jane Fonda for _Julia_, Anne Bancroft for _The Turning Point_, and Shirley Maclaine for _The Turning Point_. And, the Oscar goes to Diane Keaton!"

Diane came up and said a few words, but it was slowly getting closer and closer to the grand finale. It was now Remus' turn to become a ghastly white color. Norman Mailer took her place on the stage.

"The nominees for Best Original Screenplay are: Woody Allen for _Annie Hall_, Neil Simon for _The Goodbye Girl_, Robert Benton for _The Late Show_, Rome Lycan for _Peter's Struggle_, and George Lucas for _Star Wars_. And, the Oscar goes to…surprise…Rome Lycan for _Peter's Struggle_!"

Remus fainted. James went up and took the award, and said very little. Sasha was vainly trying to revive him before he missed anything else important. Lily muttered something about Award Shows being way too stressful for the ordinary person. Jeanne Moreau walked up to the stage –

"The nominees for Best Director are: Woody Allen for _Annie Hall_, Steven Spielberg for _Close Encounters_, Fred Zinneman for _Julia_, Rome Lycan for _Peter's Struggle_, and George Lucas for _Star Wars_. And the Oscar goes to…Rome Lycan for _Peter's Struggle_…I hope he's woken up by now!"

Sure enough, Remus had been revived. He walked slowly to the stage on shaky legs. He glanced at Sasha, who gave him a nod of support.

"Well, never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen. Actually, never in my wildest dreams did I expect to make a film. But here I am, and here we are, with Oscar. I'd like to thank everyone, because without you all, this could have never happened."

It was barely a split-second after a frail and stumbling Remus had left the stage when Jack Nicholson pounced up to take his place. His booming voice was a stark contrast to Remus' tone, and the words filled the halls –

"The nominees for Best Picture are: Charles H. Joffe for _Annie Hall_, Ray Stark for _The Goodbye Girl_, Rome Lycan and Jimsie Potts for _Peter's Struggle_, Gary Kurtz for _Star Wars_, and Herbert Ross for _The Turning Point_. And the Oscar goes to…this must be a record or something…_Peter's Struggle_!"

Sirius jumped out of his seat and wolf-whistled, Lily stood up and began dancing with Sasha, Gerald – who was bored because he knew it was going to happen – did something rather unexpected. He took James' place with Remus. They looked exactly the same, so very few people noticed. James and Gerald shared a look, James understood, and sat down. Remus and Gerald accepted the awards, and Gerald took the microphone.

"Hello everyone – I'm not Jimsie, I'm his cousin, Gerald. But I'm going to take this opportunity to say – Harold Foxtrot Delaware, will you marry me?"

Gerald had knelt down by this time, but Harold could barely see him, with tears streaming down her face. Her sister had the great presence of mind to give her a healthy push –

"Oh Gerald, of course I'll marry you!"

And that was that. It was possibly the first time in the history of the Oscars that someone had proposed as an acceptance speech. It was also the first time (and the last) that a single film won twelve Oscars.

--

"Budge up you fiends, its after-party time!" shrieked Sirius, who had unearthed a ghastly disco outfit from somewhere. His ordinarily stunning appearance was marred by the flashy white suit that he had donned.

"Sirius, what in Merlin are you wearing?" asked Lummy, barely able to contain her laughter. However, to be fair, Lummy was no longer in her angelic gown, but in a very 80's hair scrunchie- wide necked shirt get-up.

"Don't Muggles wear this rubbish?"

"Not anymore, love."

Sirius gave an annoyed snort, and waved his wand over himself. He was transformed into a punk rocker, eye-make-up smeared across his handsome face, his black hair too long and lank, his clothes artfully tattered. He surveyed his appearance in a mirror he had just conjured.

"My hair looks like Snivelly's"

"Don't worry about it, the rest of you looks gorgeous, gorgeous," joked Lummy, who was having fun charming Lily's clothes.

When they were all ready, they piled into a limousine and headed off to the nearest Marriott After-Party. When the group walked in, it appeared very tame and boring, but as soon as Sirius entered, everything changed. Lummy wasn't sure where he had acquired the rock star attitude, but he sauntered in amidst a cloud of blue and pink smoke while shouting,"East Los Angeles loves – I've got a tune for you."

His key-tar appeared at his fingertips (the Muggles watching this blamed their alcohol intake), and he began strumming maniacally.

"I want you to want me…I need you to need me…I'd love you to love me…I'm begging you…"

The song that Sirius had burst into was called "I want you to want me" by Cheap Trick, and it appeared to have hit the spot. The party guests began dancing wildly, and Lummy beamed in appreciation for her boyfriend. Lily, who had somehow learned to break-dance, waved her wand to put a different, more "hip-hop" beat on the song. Pretty soon, she was twirling around on her head, challenging the different party guests.

"Did you know she could do that?" Harold asked of James.

"Not until right now," replied James, looking somewhat scarred.


	40. A Family Reunion

**Chapter Forty: A Family Reunion**

Sirius and Lummy were planning a nice getaway for their friends, because going to California was just too stressful. Actually, Sirius had just discovered and was now recovering.

"Look, Lummers, I can see the hotel room _itself_. This is like magic. Why don't we use these?"

"Because, Sirius, we don't need them."

"But Lummers, I've never stayed in a hotel."

Sirius looked like the pleading puppy he sometimes was.

"Come _on_ Lummy, I want to go!"

Lummy smirked. It was pretty often that her adorable boyfriend sounded like a small child. It was one of his more charming traits.

"Now, Sirius, we just don't have the time to do something like this. Lily has to train for her St. Mungo's position, you and James have to get cracking on those Auror applications, Harold has to act as a lobbyist, and I have to set up my circus troupe."

"But Lummy, I don't _want_ to be an Auror. What about my personality suggests 'dark wizard catcher'? I mean, sure, I'm good at magic, and I'm clever, but my entire bloody family are dark wizards! I'm not supposed to do this!"

"Sirius, you know that you _do_ want to do this…"

Lummy and Sirius were saved from having their first "serious" argument by the mailman. An invitation had arrived for "Mesdames Luhrmalleen and Pearly Puff Delaware, esq."

"What's that?"

Lummy opened it, and read:

_You are cordially invited to the:_

_FAMILY REUNION. Everyone's coming, don't be left out._

_To be held at the residence of Elder Benjy and Aunt Maia, Morgantown, West Virginia. _

_Please respondez as soon as possible_.

"Well, apparently, we're all going to family reunion."

"Are we?"

"Well, _I _am, and _you_ are future family."

"Who says?"

"I do, Padfoot."

Sirius scowled, but ran off to tell everyone else. The reunion was to take place in two days, so there was really no need to RSVP. Apparently, Elder Benjy and Aunt Maia had some magical hold over their relatives.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"But I wanted to take those silver teacups. Otherwise Gerald can't drink his tea," protested Harold, tugging at her bag.

"Harold, I don't drink tea."

"Well, that's funny."

"No, it's really not."

"James, I wanted another pair of shoes to take. You know, to go with my business casual outfit," suggested Lily, kicking her fiancé.

"Lily, we're not going to the Ministry – we're going to _West Virginia_. They don't even _have_ business casual there. They don't have business _anything_."

"Well, you are a stereotypical wizard, and that's that, James Finckelstein."

"Well, Lily _Araminta_ Evans, I don't appreciate…"

"That's not my middle name, you oaf."

Gerald, who really didn't require the Sight to see the argument that was forthcoming, quickly piled everyone into the car. It was a Lexus LS.

"Where did we get this _sweet_ ride, sugar daddy?" asked Sirius, emulating the movies he had seen due to Remus' unhealthy obsession with Muggle Media.

"NBC sent it to us as a thank you present. You know, for punching Joan Rivers."

"Fascinating," replied Sirius, and sat in the driver's seat.

"Excuse me, Mr. I actually only drive a broomstick. The only thing _you_ drive is that Nimbus, and your crazy motorcycle. _I_, on the other hand, am licensed to operate this machinery," replied Lummy with a superior smile.

Harold, Lily, and Sasha all laughed.

"Actually, Lummers, that last time you drove a car…it, uh, died. I am the only one who has an _American_ driver's license, _and_ hasn't been in six accidents," answered Harold, throwing a look at Gerald, who, for once in his life, looked rather sheepish.

"Well then, ROAD TRIP, my luvas!" shrieked Sirius, dragging Lummy into the car. Remus, Sasha, Gerald, Lily, and James followed suit.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Several hours and several rounds of Sirius singing "What would you do with a drunken sailor" before they arrive in Morgantown.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They soon settled in, and the first other family member they saw was…

Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle. Esq.


	41. The Name Game

**Chapter Forty-one: The Name Game**

Sirius was quite open-mouthed in shock. This was quite forgivable, however rude, since when one arrives at the family reunion of one's girlfriend, one does not expect to find the wizarding world's worst enemy. But perhaps Sirius hoped too much.

"Hullo everyone, we've got a splendid turnout, every family member who's alive has arrived, and some we didn't quite know about, and _everyone_ brought friends!" began Elder Benjy rather enthusiastically.

Sirius and James began to say something to the contrary, but their girlfriends stopped them.

"We've got to be polite, he's _family_," hissed Luhrmalleen into Sirius' ear, as she was apt to do when annoyed.

"Some family. I thought _mine_ was bad…actually, mine's _here_."

And sure enough, there was Bellatrix Lestrange née Black, complete with her husband Rodolphus, and his revolting brother, Rabastan. She seemed to have brought some more of her pals along, including Narcissa's fiancé, Lucius Malfoy, and a Bulgarian wizard named Igor.

"I didn't know they invited _blood-traitors_ to these reunions."

"Actually, apparently, we're both friends of the same family, right, Trixie?"

"I've always detested that nickname."

"Have you?" replied Sirius, grasping Lummy's hand somewhat forcefully, and turning away.

"Now, we've got to get to know each other," suggested Elder Benjy, with an air of candy shop owner with a very delicious sweet.

"Get to _know_ each other? I think I got to know her enough at …"

But Lummy prevented Sirius from finishing his invective statement by clapping a slender palm over his mouth.

"We're going to play the Gaunt family version of the name game. Everyone gather around the table now."

Both Sasha and Lily gave little gasps at the name "Gaunt." When everyone looked at them curiously, Lily whispered,

"Lummy's descended from _Salazar Slytherin_…"

Sirius did a double take, but pulled his girlfriend closer to him.

"And that shouldn't make a difference to _anyone_. Let's sit down."

It took a lot to get Sirius actually angry, and this seemed to be one of those times, and everyone seemed to understand that, and sat down.

"Now then, let us all introduce ourselves; say our favorite thing, and our favorite sports team, shall we?"

This announcement was met with some amount of annoyance.

James obligingly began.

"My name's James Potter, my favorite thing is my broomstick, and my favorite team is the Gryffindor Quidditch team, when _I_ was captain, that is."

Sirius throws James a _look_ from two seats down.

"My name's Lillian Evans, my favorite thing is _Hogwarts, a History_, and my favorite team is Manchester United, of course."

The entire table booed. Muggle sports were not appreciated in this crowd. To be fair, Elder Benjy, Aunt Maia, and Bonaventure did not even know which team she was referring to.

"Mi nombre es Luhrmalleen Delaware, y mi cosa favorita es…"

"Lummy, we're in America now. So, talk English, love," whispered Sirius, knowing that she just wanted to break up the monotony.

"My name is Luhrmalleen Delaware, and my favorite thing is my pair of Omniculars, and my favorite team is the Philadelphia Eagles. Wahoo Eagles!"

"Now say that in Spanish, Lummers," mocks Sirius.

"Mi equipo favorito son las águilas de Filadelfia."

"I hate you."

"No you don't, love."

Elder Benji waited five seconds before he cleared his throat in annoyance.

"Fine. My name is Sirius Black, which, incidentally, is the name of the brightest star in the sky. My favorite thing is the Marauder's Map, and my favorite team is the Gryffindor Quidditch team, when _I_ was captain, darlings."

"Touché," whispered James across the table.

"My name is Sasha Tsukino, and my favorite thing…is the story of the fwooper, the werewolf, and the hag. My favorite team is the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team."

This particular admission received boos from the entire table. This may have had something to do with the fact that there were no other Ravenclaws in the group.

"Filthy players!"

"Can't hold a Quaffle to save their lives!"

"Sneaky bastards!"

"I wouldn't team with a Ravenclaw if my life depended on it!"

Remus beamed happily upon his girlfriend.

"My name is Remus Lupin, which, incidentally, is a rather ingenious clue to my identity. However, I digress. My favorite thing is Magical Photoshop, which I have used to produce my Academy Award winning feature film, _Peter's Struggle_. If any of you are interested in …"

"Remus, we want an introduction, not a commercial."

"Technicalities. Anyhow, my favorite team is the Toyohashi Tengu."

Sasha returned the smile.

"My name is umm…Pearly Puff Delaware, and my favorite things are feathers. My favorite sports team is the Pittsburgh Steelers. Steelers OWN the Eagles."

Unfortunately, no one else present could make head or tale of this statement other than her sister. Lucius Malfoy looked interested for another reason.

"Are you descended from the Lords de La Warr?"

"Of course."

"Why, they're second cousins of my half-sisters twice removed (1). That makes us family!"

"I was wondering where you got that shock of blonde hair," commented Lummy rather snidely. Lucius pretended not to hear.

"My name is Gerald Afbetoqui Potter, son of the famous ventriloquist, Richard Afbetoqui. My favorite thing is snow gliding, and my favorite sports team is the Irish National Side. They're going to win the World Cup, you know."

"That's a load of trash if I ever heard it," burst out Igor Karkaroff, a half-Russian, half-Bulgarian wizard.

"Anyhow, that's enough interruption, _Igor_. My name is Lucius Malfoy, as you all _must_ know. My favorite thing is money, and my favorite team is the _Slytherin_ Quidditch team."

"The Slytherin side can't play for crackers, Lucius!" retorted Sirius.

"Only a _Gryffindor_ would say such a thing."

"Stop acting like children. My name is Rabastan Lestrange, and my favorite thing is knitting. My favorite team is the Scandinavian All-Star Recruiting team, and that's that."

"Rabs, you don't even know where Scandinavia is!"

"Sure I do."

"Where is it, then?"

"Between the Atlantic and Pacific ocean, Mo-ron."

"My name is Rodolphus Lestrange, and my favorite thing is beating my brother with a large and heavy stick. My favorite team is also the Slytherin Quidditch team, when _I_ was captain."

"Roldy likes to pretend he was a good Quidditch captain," remarked his wife, rather superciliously.

"I _was_ a good Quidditch captain."

"That's what you think."

"I was a _very_ good Quidditch captain, _Trixie_."

Sirius smirked as his cousin's own husband used the dreaded nickname on her. He leaned over to James to whisper –

"He's going to get it now. Bella hates being called Trixie."

"Well, _my_ name is Bellatrix _Black_, and my favorite thing is Muggle-baiting. My favorite team was the Slytherin Quidditch team when _I_ was captain for _four_ years."

"Who's got a bee in their bonnet, _now_, Trixie?"

However, when everyone realized who was next at the table, they silenced. No one bickered while Lord Voldemort waited.

"My name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, and my favorite thing is collecting objects of great value to others…but of more value to me. My favorite team is the Vratsa Vultures."

"My name is Jude, but y'all can call me Bonaventure. That's a mouthful, folks. My favorite thing is rock fishing, 'cause I catch a lot of fish that way, and my favorite team is the West Virginia University Football team."

"My name is…er… Aunt Maia, and my favorite thing is knitting, just like Rabastan." She beamed at Bellatrix' brother-in-law. "My favorite team is Jude's soccer team."

Half the table didn't speak after this. Both Harold and Lummy were very surprised – what _had_ Aunt Maia managed to say that would confuse so many powerful wizards. Finally, Sasha Tsukino piped up in a very small voice,

"What's soccer?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(1) The joke here is that everyone _is_ actually related to everyone else: Lummy and Harold are related to Lucius Malfoy through their father, Drake de la Warr. Sirius is related to Lucius by marriage (or future marriage, since his cousin Narcissa marries him). Bellatrix is Sirius' first cousin, and is married to Rodolphus. Rodolphus is Rabastan's brother. In this manner they are also related to Harold and Lummy by marriage (through Lucius). Sirius, as a pureblood, is thus related to all other purebloods. He is somehow (unknown) related to the actual Gaunt family, or Lord Voldemort's ancestors. Lummy and Harold are related to Aunt Maia through their mother, Selene. Selene is a homonym for "Celæno", the brightest star in the Pleiades Star Cluster. As some of you may know, the Pleiades Star Cluster is also known as the seven sisters, three of which are Selene, Maia, and Merope. Merope Gaunt, or Voldemort's mother, was the dimmest of the seven sisters, because she married a mortal (in Greek mythology). Thus, Lummy and Harold are cousins of Lord Voldemort, although they are much younger. Oddly enough, Jude (Bonaventure) is genetically very similar to Voldemort. Elder Benjy is "the second born of twins" , or the second of the set that consisted to Tom and Benjamin Riddle. (Elder is a poor anagram of Riddle). Tom Riddle, was of course, Lord Voldemort's father. If you go back and read earlier chapters, you will see how the descriptions for Jude are very similar to that of a young Tom Marvolo Riddle. However, back to how everyone is related , James (by the Black Family Tree) , is Sirius' first cousin once removed. He is affianced to Lily Evans, rendering her a relation by marriage. He is a cousin of Gerald Afbetoqui Potter, who is therefore also related. Gerald is of course, affianced to Harold, so he is related through two directions. Igor Karkaroff is half -Bulgarian (pureblood) and half-Russian. His pureblood ancestry traces back to the same lineage as other pureblood lines, but his Russian half is related to that of Sasha Tsukino's (who is half-Russian and half-Japanese). Remus, is possibly the most indirectly related , for although he may soon be related through marriage, he is only a "blood" brother to James and Sirius, for all the Marauders share this deep bond, who are entwined very securely in this family web.


	42. The Teams

**Chapter Forty-two: the Teams**

Elder Benjy had come up with a new idea after the name game. There was a small problem with every one of Elder Benjy's new ideas – they were unequivocally horrible. Some were less horrible than others, but they tended to have terrible consequences nonetheless.

"We are going to play timed team charades. Everyone divide into teams, quickly," announced Elder Benjy.

"Team Charades?" asked Remus rather blankly. He stared at Lummy. Sirius threw an arm around his gaping girlfriend and remarked,

"Your uncle is pretty good at coming up with awkward situations."

However, despite their misgivings, the party divided themselves into four teams in an efficient manner. Somehow, Elder Benjy, despite his claim to have no magical ability, had managed to make the teams "integrated", that is, mixed between members of Voldemort's party, and members of Harold and Lummy's party.

Sirius and James had named themselves "the Cyclones", and were teamed with Bellatrix and Rodolphus. They were all united by their hatred for Rodolphus. Except for Rodolphus, of course. But they didn't need him.

"Why'd you marry him if you don't like him?"

"He's a pureblood."

"That's not a very good reason."

"I realize that now, but we'll have good pureblood children who will support Voldemort."

"Well, to each his own. I don't like him."

Rodolphus finally realized what they were all talking about.

"Hey! That's me you're talking about!"

Bellatrix gave a sad look at Sirius and added,

"See – he's slow as molasses in January."

Lummy and Sasha were on a team with Igor Karkaroff and Rabastan Lestrange. Lummy was very much relieved by this, because Lucius Malfoy was trying to catch her eye, and she found his hair too reflective. Rabastan, unlike his brother, was very popular, on account of his fascinating name.

"You know, you're the only Rabastan I know."

"Really? I think I'm the only one I know, too."

"How _did_ your parents think of it?"

"Drugs, of course."

"Which ones did they take?"

Rabastan thought for a moment, and replied confidently,

"All of them. At one time. You know, Luhrmalleen's a pretty funny name too."

"Oh, I know."

"What was with _your_ parents?"

"Well, I really don't know. But now that I come to think of it, they were probably related to _your_ parents."

In the meantime, Sasha and Igor were discussing their ubiquitous Russian heritage.

"I am Russian from my father's side, of course."

"Whom are you descended from?"

"Catherine the Great."

"I thought our family was descended from Tsar Nicholas I?"

"Well, I think that he was descended from Catherine."

"Really? That's absolutely smashing."

As a result, Sasha and Igor had named their team "The White Russians", partially because of their heritage, but also because Rabastan enjoyed drinking himself silly.

Lily and Remus were saddled with Lucius Malfoy and Jude. Jude was not so bad, it was only that he was the youngest player and was not likely to know as much, but Lucius was insufferable. He had decided to bestow "Malfoy family honor" upon Lily and Remus, despite that fact that Lily was Muggleborn. Although this was a good thing, he had also decided that this mere gesture was the greatest gift known to man. The blonde-haired fairy looked at Lily.

"You know how great an honor this is?"

"What?"

"Knowing me."

"Knowing you…what?"

Lucius seemed to find it odd that Lily could not understand. He shook his long mane of blonde hair and repeated,

"Do you know how great an honor it is to know me?"

Lily wasn't quite sure how to respond to such a statement. She suspected that Lucius Malfoy expected nothing less than a resounding "Yes!", but she wasn't sure if she could fake a sincere answer.

"Oh, it is a very great honor, I'm sure."

"You'd better believe it. The Malfoys are descended from _all_ of the founders."

Remus' eyes grew wide at Lucius' statement.

"That can't be true. They aren't ever related."

Lucius sneered at Remus. He almost sneered at Jude from the momentum, but remembered at the last moment that he was one of Salazar Slytherin's last surviving descendants.

"I'd hardly expect _you_ to know, you half-breed son of a …"

He then remembered that there were children present, and was prevented from uttering the word he longed to say. Jude's dark eyes stared at Lucius in curiosity.

"Uncle Lucius, what _were_ you going to say?"

"Don't you worry about it my dear boy, it wasn't anything."

But Lily couldn't help herself.

"Yes, Uncle _Lucy_, what _were_ you saying?"

"Dash it all, it's impossible to be friends with you lot."

Their team, of course, was named "The Malfoy's" because Lucius was apt to throw a fit if they were called anything else.

The last team consisted of Lord Voldemort, who was going by Tom Riddle for the time being, Aunt Maia, Harold, and Gerald. Aunt Maia seemed to be unusually fond of her nephew.

"So _you're_ Merope's boy. That's absolutely adorable. She had a hard life, that one. Why, father was practically insane, and little Morfin was a bothersome little child. Everyone says that I stole away the prettiest one when I ran off to Argentina, little Selene."

"That's very nice."

"So you were raised in an orphanage? What a hard life. You could've come to live with us, you know. Jude would _love_ having his cousin live with us."

"No really, it's fine…"

"Nonsense! Family needs to look out for each other. You wouldn't say no to your old aunt and uncle, would you? Jude would adore you as a playmate."

"No, honestly, I'm quite…"

"That's settled then. You and Jude look like twins, you know. It's quite uncanny. You can teach him all your magic tricks."

"I'm afraid…"

"Don't worry about the money, Tom. We'll pay for everything. We know how poor you orphans are."

"No it's not…"

"No, we'll buy you clothes too. Don't worry about a thing. And you can bring your pretty wife over from England to live with us."

"I don't have…"

"You're not married? That won't do, not a bit, Tom. I've got just the girl for you. Mia down the road, she'll keep house, _and_ she knows magic tricks. She's just your age too, fifty-two or so."

Only Aunt Maia would consider fifty-two a "girl", but they say there's madness in every family. However, not everyone could "convince" Lord Voldemort to live with them. In the meantime, Gerald and Harold were planning their wedding.

"I want _white lilies_ and red peonies. It'll look splendid."

"Let's have a joint wedding with James and Lily at the Chateau."

"The Chateau?"

"Oh, Uncle Charles has got a great one down in Majorca."

"I didn't know James' father's name was Charles."

"Yes, Charles and Spode, those fine fathers."

Harold quirked an eyebrow at her fiancé.

"Is your father's name really 'Spode'?"

"Of course not, love."

This last team was named by Gerald, as the "Gauntlets", which he thought to be a suitably distasteful pun.

"Ok then…team Cyclone, please select a representative."

…And that was that.


	43. The Marauder's meet Reality

**Chapter Forty-three: The Marauders meet…Reality? **

Lily had just received notification that she had been accepted into the very competitive Healer program at St. Mungo's. She was the first Hogwarts graduate to be accepted in three years for the two year accelerated program. Sasha was Apparating to the Ministry with her to go in for some interviews in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

"Hello, what's your name, my dear?"

"Oh, Sasha Tsukino."

"Hogwarts, class of seventy-eight?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful. Please wait in that side room for a moment. The Deputy Head will call you in shortly."

Sure enough, a twenty-five year old woman soon appeared amidst the waiting room of comfortable plush chairs and took Sasha by the arm.

"You seem to have an excellent record, good Newt scores all around."

"Thank you."

"Do you have any experience?"

"I was a prefect for two years. There some rudimentary law enforcement there."

"That's very common in applicants. How about after graduation? Have you had any internships? That's really what we're looking for – hands on experience."

"I'm afraid not."

"But it has been almost two months since graduation. What have you been doing?"

"Traveling."

Sasha almost blushed in shame. How could she be gallivanting in America when she could have been pursuing a proper law enforcing job?

"Well, you are very impressive, ordinarily, but this is one of the top jobs in the Ministry, I'm afraid, Miss Sushkina, that…wait."

A terrible hope bloomed in Sasha's heart. Might she be eligible? _What_ aspect of her long resume had finally caught her attention?

"You received the Sirius Black Fan Girl Award?"

"Yes."

"That's very impressive. It is awarded to only one girl each year. This year, they had applicants from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang as well."

"Applicants?"

"Certainly. All Hogwarts female students are eligible without application, but the award has gained quite a reputation in past years. The Sirius Black Fan Club is a much respected institution."

"Oh, is it?"

"I was part of its founding process. Only a few girls, but soon the trend caught on. By the second year, it was becoming a very important social edifice."

Sasha's eyes were wide with amusement and surprise.

"Forgive me; are you not a bit old to have been in the club? I mean, Sirius is _my_ age."

"Yes, but _my_ sister was a seventh year when the club began, and I had graduated only three years before her. I was a lowly member of the Ministry then, but SBFC has helped me since."

"Are there many Ministry members associated with SBFC?"

"Of course, it is one of our most important recruiting tools. Now, do you have any personal connections to Mr. Black?"

"Mr…who…oh, _Sirius_. Well, I am dating one of his best friends."

"Really? Which one, Remus or James?"

"Remus."

"He's very interested in films, that one. Now, Miss Tsukino, I do believe you may start work next Monday."

"Me, work?"

"Of course. Your resume is _very _impressive. You'd be surprised how far being connected with Mr. Black will get you in life, Miss Tsukino."

_This_, Sasha _had_ to hear. How was she to expect that being associated with someone who had founded "the hag, the werewolf, and the fwooper," would help her in life?

"Now, my friend, Gene, at Mungo's had a great applicant the other day. She was Head Girl at Hogwarts, superb Newts and Owls, the whole package. A letter of recommendation from Professor Dumbledore, I believe. She was going to be a shoo-in, but there are only three slots for that accelerated program, you know."

Sasha nodded her head as though she _did_ know.

"In any case, we had taken this brilliant witch from Transylvania, a witch from the Auror department – top priority, you know, and it was down to her and the boss's _son_."

Sasha's mouth was a perfect 'O' as she heard the tale about her friend Lily.

"Now, the witch from Transylvania was a top priority too – her father was the _biggest_ donor to St. Mungo's, _and_ she was the top scorer for all of Eastern Europe. There'd be hell to pay if _she_ didn't make it. The Auror department is the biggest thing these days – national security, you know. Now, the thing with the boss's son, even though they're pureblood and what not, he was a bit off. His interview was shabby. But they were still going to take him over the girl from Hogwarts. She was just a muggleborn, you know, and no one was going to complain if _she_ wasn't accepted."

Sasha Tsukino had turned a rather pale color that made her pretty grey eyes look particularly ashen.

"But then Gene dug up all those articles that said she was James' girlfriend! She was a personal friend to Sirius Black. Now, Sirius may be the so-called black sheep of the famous Black family, but he's still the heir! And there are all those SBFC members scattered throughout St. Mungo's. So there was obviously only one decision to be made."

Sasha couldn't believe that they had rejected the boss's son to take her friend Lily.

"Gene wrote a petition, and they accepted _four_ students into the accelerated Healer program. The Minister of Magic signed it herself. Mrs. Bagnold was none too pleased about that."

--

Sirius was truly sick of his fame. Everywhere he went, he could not avoid being recognized as "Rufus Scrimgeour", "the heir to the Black fortune", or "James Potter, key-tar player extraordinaire". Who knew that the little known band, _the Feedback_, would grow to become U2? There was really only one thing that could be done:

Plastic Surgery.

After perusing a few articles, he decided that if he were to make himself ugly, it would solve the majority of his problems. True, he would have to suffer that particular indignity, but it was a small price to pay. He went to Dr. Magellan's health clinic, and sat in the waiting room. A middle-aged woman was at the desk, filing her nails. Sirius rapped on the counter impatiently with his knuckles.

"Hullo, Dr. Magellan is busy right now. Do you have an appointment?"

"Er – no, but I would like facial reconstructive surgery done today."

"I'm afraid we require an appointment for that. What is your name, sir?"

Sirius had come to loathe this question. He was forced to think of various aliases for himself everywhere he went – Sirius Black, Rufus Scrimgeour, James Potter, Grumpy Summers – these were all _very_ recognizable identities. So he said the first Muggle name that came to his head.

"Er – Charles Darwin."

The receptionist raised her eyebrow at this, but took the name down.

"When are you available, Mr. Darwin?"

"Anyday. I am free all the time. And money is no object."

"You know, Mr. Darwin, you look very familiar. Have you ever been in jail?"

He was quite surprised by this question, to say the least. He didn't think he looked like a convict.

"I don't think so."

"Well, Dr. Magellan can see you later today, actually. How does five o'clock sound?"

"Um, it sounds like five o'clock."

Sirius was quite confused. Was this a covert hearing test?

The receptionist stared at him as though he were not quite right in the head. She cleared her throat, and explained,

"I meant would that be a suitable time?"

"It's six hours from now. I guess I can wait."

He placed himself at one of the corner chairs, and began to peruse one of the six-month old magazines on the table. Seconds later, a bevy of twenty-somethings in stilettos came in, clickety-clacking on the linoleum floors. It appeared that most of them had come to support the one girl who actually had an appointment. As a precaution, he moved the magazine so that it was directly in front of his face. Once the one girl had gone in, her five friends settled down in the remaining chairs in the waiting room.

"Oh my gosh! Look at this Kaitlyn! Rufus Scrimgeour!" cried one of the girls, her pink-colored talons pointing at the cover of one of the ratty magazines.

Sirius flinched. He brought the magazine even closer to his face, so that the only way one could have seen his face was by looking directly down from on top of him.

"Honestly _Jessica_, that magazine was from like, twelve years ago. He hasn't been in the news very recently, except for that exposé about U2. I can't imagine why a total hottie like Rufie would want to become a grungy street musician."

Kaitlyn paused to admire her new manicure.

"_I_ think it's sort of romantic. Like an undercover cop," said another girl, massaging her feet after taking off one of her heels.

"You _would_, Dahlia. I think that he's totally full of himself. I mean, he's dating that total gorgeous blonde Narcissa or whatever, he makes loads of money, _and_ he won an Oscar. What has he really done, you tell me?"

"Gosh Christine, you are _so_ bitter. I heard that he's taking some time off to be with his family and stuff like that. It's totally sweet."

"Jessica, you are wayyy too much of a romantic. Let's ask that gentleman over there, he seems to be pretty interested in People magazine."

With this, Jessica's friend walked up to Sirius , and said loudly,

"I'm Simone Laurence, and I'll be you've been listening to our girly conversation. What do _you_ think of Rufus Scrimgeour?"

Sirius pressed the magazine closer so that it was almost touching his nose and mumbled,

"Oh, I've heard of him."

"Sorry, didn't catch that, maybe if you removed the magazine from your face, we'd be able to," said Kaitlyn sarcastically.

"I'm not in a position to be doing so, terrible accident, facial reconstructive surgery scheduled, very sad story."

"Mister, you must think that we're pretty superficial! But we won't mind your ugly mug," replied Christine blithely.

He kept holding the magazine with only one hand so his palm was pressing the fold of the magazine was pressing directly against his nose. He held out his other hand and announced,

"I'm Charles Darwin, naturalist."

"De-lighted to meet you, Mr. Darwin. How did you get into an accident?" asked Dahlia, flipping her blonde hair unnecessarily, as her new friend couldn't even see her.

Jessica moved closer to Sirius, and he was afraid that she's look down upon him, so he cringed into the corner of his seat and pressed the magazine even closer.

"Gosh Mr. Darwin, you've got a pretty _sexy_ voice. Now, what _do_ you think of Rufus?"

"He seems like an upstanding fellow. I was in a horrible broo-car accident."

"What's a broo-car, Mr. Darwin," asked Christine, her eyes wide.

"He means car, Christine," said Simone, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

Unfortunately, their friend returned from seeing Dr. Magellan, bringing the Doctor out with her. Her friends all got up to give her a hug.

"Did it hurt, Darling?" asked Dahlia.

"Oh Dahls, it was just a preliminary appointment. But I want all my girls to come with me next time!"

"We will," chorused the twenty-somethings.

"Mr. Darwin? I've got a break now, if you don't want to wait until five." asked Dr. Magellan, looking about aimlessly.

"Mr. Doctor, he's riiight here," cooed Christine, pointing to Sirius' magazine masked face. Sirius got up, still holding the magazine tight to his face, and sprinted across the room, grabbing the Doctor's hand. He only stopped once they got inside one of the rooms. He finally dared to remove the magazine from his face.

"Close the door! I don't want them to recognize me."

The doctor stared at him, until comprehension dawned on his face.

"You're Rufus Scrimgeour. I have tons of appointments when men come in just to look like you. And there's a fair amount of pretty girls who think they'd do better looking like the lovely blonde girlfriend of yours."

"That's precisely my problem. I want to look like this," said Sirius, holding up a picture of Peter Markov from Remus' film, _Peter's Struggle_.

"Well, we'd have to break your nose, shorten your face, add more skin and fat to your forehead and cheeks…why do you want to do this, Mr. Scrimgeour? You will look very ugly."

Dr. Magellan said this with the knowledge that several hundred of his patients would have killed to look like the man who was now standing before him.

"Please Doctor, I'll _pay _anything. I want to be _normal_!"

"I'm sorry Mr. Scrimgeour. I value my reputation more than your money. I would lose thousands of clients if anyone found out that I was the one who destroyed your handsome face. You're better off trying to get beat up in a dark alleyway. Good day."

And the Doctor merely opened the door to allow Sirius to walk dejectedly down the white linoleum hallway.

"That's not Mr. Darwin, it's the _GORGEOUS_ Rufus Scrimgeour!" cried Dahlia, Jessica, and the other girls, and that was the last thing Sirius heard before he Apparated away.

--

"Remus, what _is_ this?" asked James incredulously, staring at the huge studio.

"I'm opening my own network and production agency. You can be in it too," added Remus, somewhat offhandedly.

"Sure, I can pilot James-vision."

"Only if it's good. I'll have to treat you the same way I treat all my other possibilities. Otherwise this network won't run. I can't have a show that only shows Lily all the time," explained Remus somewhat patiently.

"What about CSI: St. Mungo's?"

Remus paid his friend no attention. There was another appointment.

"Mr. Lycan? I've come to show you this great Japanese show called _Sushi Today_."

Remus pressed the "next" button on his desk.

"There's a great new concept, Mr. Lycan. Six people locked in a house without any windows are poisoned with a little known Asiatic poison, but no one knows which one. They each have to find the antidote before the contestant dies. The one who is alive last wins one thousand dollars."

James kindly told the man to leave.

"Wait till you hear this. Oh, are you Mr. Potts? Great to meet you, the name's Johnson, Andrew Johnson. Now, here's something for you, go along with your whole magical streak. Picture this: Five religious people are dropped from the sky into a ditch filled with noodles. They must all pray in order to get out."

"LEAVE, PLEASE, JUST LEAVE!"


End file.
